Well, that's the diagnosis, anyway, so Phil Franchise is the Yankees' DL Addition of The Day. Congrats, Phil!
Suzyn is hoping that Darrell Rasner gets called up. Her excitement is palpable (and kind of icky, actually.)
Maybe what's required now are some Oblique Strategies, a system of dealing with challenges, co-created by non-musician and former Roxy Music member Brian Eno, producer of U2 and the imminent Coldplay album.
They need hits, too. Couldn't hurt.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Well, that's the diagnosis, anyway, so Phil Franchise is the Yankees' DL Addition of The Day. Congrats, Phil!
Ms fan Buhner's Ghost and I will beerily liveblog Friday's Wang-Bedard duel from Ozzie's Restaurant & Lounge in Seattle. We already know the story of the game: El Pavo's return to The Stadium. PLUS: If things go as planned (do they EVER?) I'll be fresh from a matinee of Iron Man, so look for some tantalizing hints. I'm announcing this now so that I can't back out.
Suzyn: War's over, man. Hughes dropped the big one.
Sterling: Over? Did you say "over"? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!
Sterling: And it ain't over now. 'Cause when the goin' gets tough... [thinks hard] the tough get goin'! Who's with me? Let's go!
[runs out, alone; then returns]
Sterling: What happened to the Yankee fans I used to know? Where's the spirit? Where's the guts, huh? "Ooh, we're afraid to agree with you Mr. Sterling, Red Sox fans might make fun of us." Well just kiss my ass from now on! Not me! I'm not gonna take this. Papplebon, he's a dead man! Ortiz, dead! Schilling ...
Suzyn: Dead! John's right. Psychotic, but absolutely right. We gotta take these bastards. Now we could do it with conventional weapons that could take years and cost millions of lives. No, I think we have to go all out. I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody's part. Let’s trade Phil and Ian!
Sterling: We're just the team to do it.
Suzyn: Let's do it.
Together: The Yankees do it! Thuuuuuhh YANKEES DO IT!
1903 The New York Highlanders (to be renamed the Yankees) win their home opener at Hilltop Park beating Washington, 6-2.
Thus far, no one has been accused of using steroids.
Back in the Golden Days, Papa Boss wouldn't hesitate to spin cycle a few young players who aren't cutting the Guldens. Considering that today, the sportswriters turned on Phil Hughes and Ian Kennedy (and they are, after all, the final arbiters), let's look at some hot deals that could turn this gas-guzzling '08 Minivan around!
Trade: Phil Hughes to Whitesox for Paul Konerko.
Kony has 5 HR, and it sure would be great to see him in the line-up, protecting Giambi. He'd give us a fifth 1B off the bench in tight games. He's only batting .229, so he'd come cheap. You can never have too many DHs. Last night, we had to bat Melky for that rent-a-catcher, Chris Somethingorthother, and he could only draw a walk. Kony could have hit a HR, bringing us within two.
Trade: Ian Kennedy to Cubs for Jon Leiber.
Everybody's thinking: What? The Cubs would give up Leiber? His ERA is under 3! But we could probably get this 38-year-old steamboat, who would settle our rotation in the spirit of Rick Rhoden. He's been battle-tested in New York, and he could be positioned for a breakout year.
Trade: Joba Chamberlain for Roy Oswalt and Shawn Chacon.
Yes, you're thinking, the Astros would be crazy to give up Chacon! His ERA is 2.45! He's among the league-leaders. And Roy Oswalt, too? You must be smoking some of that Ken Phelps weed! Well, Oswalt is tanking right now. His ERA is over 6. It would be hard to see Joba go, but let's just imagine Oswalt in Pinstripes and Shawn going the entire season with a 2.45 ERA. He'd win 25!
Trade: Melky to Milwaukee for Jeff Suppan.
We'd be on top of the world with Suppan, who is only 33! Yup. I bet you thought he was at least 38. Only 33. For that reason alone, he's practically a hot prospect. He's got a solid ERA of 3.48, and we could add him to the rotation without skipping a beat. It would also solve our overcrowding problem in the outfield.
Trade: Austin Jackson, Jesus Montero, Dellin Betances, Alan Horne and a couple others for Benji Molina.
Let's corner the market on Molinas! The guy is having a breakout season at age 34. He's batting .301! With him in the line-up, we can rest Jorge. And those kids? Forget them. They'd get off to a bad start, the writers would eat them up, and we'd end up getting less in trades.
Wait... do we have anybody left over to get Melvin Mora? Carlos Delgatto?
Could we trade for Randy Johnson again? That always works, doesn't it?
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
She looks like she would be 5-7.
This scary lady looks taller. But she isn't.
Should we worry about this?
"ESCAPE TO NEW YORK: THE MIKE PIAZZA STORY."
Mike becomes a star with the Dodgers and Mets, while always secretly pining for Derek Jeter. He has the pick of the litter, babe-wise. But he's a defensive liability. His life is never complete.
Mike is released by the Oakland A's. He goes from card show to card show, fashioning out a meager trade, having his pick of the litter, aging dancer-wise. But something is missing.
The phone rings. It's Brian Cashman on the line. "Jorge's hurt," the plucky GM says. "We need you." Mike is stunned. "I'm a defensive liability," he says. "They'll run on me." But he goes to Denzell Washington (played by Oscar Gamble), who teaches him the art of self-control. And then he signs with the Yankees, leads the team to the championship, and wins at last the man of his dreams.
Monday, April 28, 2008
A friendly word of advice from your pals here at It Is High: Please be careful with the press, Joe, especially when it comes to players and injuries. You might be able to get away with testiness and lack of openness in Opa-Locka or Coral Gables — though you didn't — but in that movable media feast that is the New York Yankees, you don't wanna get on the wrong side of the ink-stained wretches.
Peter Abraham. Mark Feinsand. Tyler Kepner. Sweeny Murti. THOSE guys.
Take care of them or they will take care of you.
FROM THE DAILY NEWS:
During another Big Apple excursion, the two holed up in the trendy SoHo Grand and later partied with Monica Lewinsky and Michael Jordan. McCready, according to a source, even bummed a cigar off His Airness to give to Clemens.
FROM THAT ENCHANTED EVENING...
MINDY: … and so when Rocket’s jet hits the tarmac, BLOOEY, his knee flies up and breaks my nose! It's just a dang accident, fer crissakes, but there's blood everywhere. You'd think I was some crazy lady. Say, anybody got OxyContin?
ROGER: Ha. Ain’t she something? I call her my "road trip honeybee," because she buzzes my hive with her sweet nectar. Speaking of nectar, who’s low on Rocket Fuel? You, Mona?
MONICA: Could you please freshen my 7&7.
MINDY: I was in a seven-on-seven once. A coupla Dallas Cowboy linebackers. Got myself two busted ribs and a Charley Horse. Wrote a song about it, “Hit Me Again and I’ll Have Your Truck.”
MICHAEL: I remember that song. Dennis Rodman used to warm up to it, wearing full bridal dress.
MINDY: I think I dated Dennis Rodman. I lost four teeth. They used to talk about him going to the backboard. What he really did was go to the bedboard.
ROGER: Hah. Ain’t she something? You should have seen her in 10th grade. Hey, none of you are with Child Protective, right? Good. So, Mona, when you’re not Presidential interning – you know, all that secret stuff you do for national security -- you follow baseball?
MONICA: A little. My friends call me Calvin Schiraldi, because I blew the Biggest Save of My Career.
ROGER: Well, heh, you stay away from that Bill Clinton. Listen, kid, you got something special, and that creep can't carry your shoes. Yeah, you may be a little chubby, but you got a major league strike zone. Tell you what: Look me up in Houston, and I'll line you up with Jose Canseco.
MINDY: Jose Canseco? He's got himself a twin brother, right? I think I dated them once. Broke my wrist with a tire iron. Hey, about that OxyContin...
Follow up on Suzie's post (below.)
Yeesh. The Rocket had a 10 year affair with county singer Mindy McCready?
Here are the lyrics to her hit song, "10,000 Angels."
Speaking of the devil
Look who just walked in
He knows just where to find me
Here we go again
I can tell he's gonna ask me to dance
But that's not as far as he wants to go
I need ten thousand angels
To help me tell him no
Yeessh. Was she referring to Wally Joyner and Jim Edmonds?
It's gonna be a long year.
On the al Yazeera forum, the frat boys are wondering if Shrek was on the Brian McNamee butt-enhancement plan.
Check out these comments. (BTW, we at IIH-IIF-IIc encourage readers, like Republicans voting for Hillary in the Ohio primary, to join this forum and weigh in. Remember: Give yourself a Redsock name.) It gets really personal, really fast.
1. Posted by bigdl52 on Apr-26 11:25 AM:
Big Papi Steroid rumors are resurfacing....Symptoms of Steroid Withdrawal?? Knee, shoulder, joint pains...Look at Giambi.. Of course loss of power and bat speed... Papi with 54 homers in 2006 followed by shoulder pains, alleged bad knee in 2007 though Sox never acknowledged that, never did anything regarding that issue.
In 2007 huge drop in home runs...First two thirds of season had only 15 homers..but hitting over 330... Why? If the knee hurt so bad why the great average... Why did he hit 20 homers the last third to wind up with 35?? Was it because he stopped juice and or HGH, saw there was no blood test, so resumed in season enabling the better final third of season?? This year Mitchell report and Roger Clemens hearings.. Did they scare Big Papi totally off the stuff???
2. Posted by eddiehouseson on Apr-26 11:30 AM
STFU YOU IMBECILE
NINETEEN PAGES OF COMMENTS LATER....
184. Posted by markes8336 on 12:01 AM
Did I honestly just get called out by a cockroach??? LMAO
Wow, I haven't heard a challenge like that since 4th grade!
I would take him on any day, even without my trusty can of RAID - lol.....
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Cantor Abraham Seif, the ritual circumciser who probably separated more newborn Jewish boys from their foreskins than any other mohel in South Florida history, has died at 86.Wait for it...
Known far and wide as Seif the Knife -- or
The Yankee Clipper -- the Polish-born Holocaust survivor learned the delicate procedure in Brooklyn after World War II.King Of Circumcisions Dies At 86
By 1988, Seif estimated he'd done 10,000 circumcisions, yet he told The Miami Herald that he still recalled the first one.
''I fainted,'' he said. ``Everyone does.''
Mark Feinsand of the Daily News, in the half-inning chit-chat with John and Suzyn, broke the news to them and the world:
He read it on the NY Times web site (How many media references does it take to screw in a lightbulb?) that Posada has a tear in a shoulder muscle, and he's going to have it examined.
Suzyn expressed anger that this diagnosis wasn't made sooner. She remembered a similar situation with Bernie's shoulder, and it's clear that she no longer trusts doctors. She said it will likely require surgery. She is going to want some answers about this. If some doctor tries to bullshit her, she'll bite his nose off and spit it in his face. She's fuming.
Upon hearing the news, John was devastated. He ascribed a significance similar to the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand. He kept asking what it means, what will happen to Jorge, who will catch, how would we go on? He said Giambi and Cano have to get it together. He said we all must go on. He was sort of like Winston Churchill, rousing the spirit of the English masses during the bombing raids. Very courageous.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
FACT: Psalm 23 is the most quoted psalm.
FACT: It took 23 years for the Koran to be revealed to Muhammad.
FACT: Human sex cells have 23 chromosomes.
FACT: The earth tilts at an axis of 23.5 degrees.
FACT: It takes blood 23 seconds to flow through the human body.
FACT: Today, we left 23 runners on base.
THAT'S MORE THAN 2 PER INNING... OR EVERY 3 OUTS!
No, not the lyric poet!
Jeez! This is a Yankees blog, right?
Poetry? Sure, Scooter's musings were powerfully poetic, enduring and evocative, but the It Is High crew welcomes our pal Shelly Duncan back to the line-up.
Spikes up, dude!
There is sorrow enough in the natural way
Brian Bruney is done for the year.
He suffered a "Lisfranc," which is the George Will way of saying his dog is barking bad.
Lisfrancs are a bitch. They take time. In the old days, as Joe Girardi said yesterday, Bruney would return on a peg.
For a long time, we at IIH-IIF-IIc used Bruney as a punch line. The body, the tattoo, the jowls, the lead-off walks -- he symbolized our annual bullpen collapse.
He came to camp this year changed. He'd lost weight. He'd gained discipline. It showed on his face. It showed in his pitching.
He became the one guy on our roster who seemed to have risen to a new level.
(Maybe, after all, Robinson Cano never will.)
Well, life sucks. You play the cards you're dealt. We wish Brian Bruney the best. He leaves as the guy who saved himself. We think he'll be back, and when he does, he'll have a fine career.
He deserves our support. He deserved better than this.
No more Bruney jokes. Of course, we now have Chris Britton.
I wonder if he's been watching?
Friday, April 25, 2008
Yeeeesh. Bud Selig held a news conference today, hinting that baseball officials won't face fines for the steroids scandal. They might as well have been interviewing a rock.
This is what Mr. Quotebox said:
ON THE SCANDAL: "Whatever has happened has happened."
ON PLAYERS NAMED IN THE SCANDAL: "Just the announcement of all their names was punishment enough."
ON THE YANKEES CHARGING $500 TO $2,500 FOR SEATS NEXT YEAR: "They know their market better than I do."
ON ESPN CONFRONTING MIGUEL TEJADA WITH THE FACT THAT HE'S 33, TWO YEARS OLDER THAN HE CLAIMS: ""I was saddened by it."
Next time, they should raise these subjects:
GENOCIDE IN DARFUR: "The world can be a terrible place."
PEDOPHILES WHO LIVE AMONG US: "Far be it from me to judge."
NAKED, BIG-BREASTED BIKER CHICKS: "They certainly have a better idea about what they want than I do."
AMBIVALENCE: "Hard to say."
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Our second delay of the night leads me to do some number crunching.
Mainly, on this fella right here:
Yes, that is Youk (I know you can't see his bald noggin, but it's under there)
Anyways, take a look at these here numbers.
Now, Youkilis was hit by a pitch 15 times in 2007.
So far this year he has only been hit once.
At this rate, Youk might get hit 6, maybe 7 times throughout the season. So what do we do?
There are 13 games against the Red Socks for the rest of the year. If Farnsworth comes in at least half of those to face Youk, we will meet our quota.
If Joba comes in the other half and doesn't miss like he did last year, we will most likely double our profits of Youk's HBP.
On Mourning an Afternoon
By John Sterling
It's not nice to say this,
And I'm really ashamed of myself,
But of course,
If they had played this afternoon,
They would have played nine innings
In beautiful weather.
Anyway, they're putting the tarp on.
I mean I don't blame them,
Putting the tarp on.
It is POURING.
Looking at it from the Yankee standpoint,
(We are Yankee broadcasters,
And the two of us have basically
Seen every game for twenty years.)
It's too bad
Because Hughes was pitching well.
I know it's only two innings
And he had a three-nothing lead.
But who knows?
April 24, 2008
Tired of seeing Stubby in the same white golf shirt day after day?
Think the wardrobe should match his no-holds-barred demeanor?
Then go out and buy the man a new shirt!
Just make sure it's something that will go with a blue sportscoat.
IIH, IIF, IIc
OK, so Hank's comments that it's "idiotic" that Joba isn't in the starting rotation right now, innings limits be damned, got all the press, but Stubby said some other things that got lost in the shuffle. As a public service, IIHIIFIIc now presents excerpts from the rest of the interview.
"Why the hell is it three strikes for an out, but four balls for a walk? How fair is that? I'm not sure what moron made that rule, but I'm on the horn to Selig ASAP to talk to him about that. Make it 3-and-3 or 4-and-4. That's smart. That's fair. I'm a patient man, I know we can't change it in the middle of a season, but mark my words, that rule ain't gonna be in the books next year."
"Another thing that pisses me off. You ever notice the bases? Check it out - first, second and third bases are all square, but home's got, like, five sides or something like that. What pea-brain is behind that? I mean, that's just sloppy. Shit, someone needs to pay attention to detail in this league - is it just me, or is everyone incompetent in this game? I guarantee we'll get that fixed before than All-Star Game. We're not going to look stupid here."
"I ain't all that impressed with this Pope guy. I flew back to New York to see what all the hubbub was when he came, and I ran into him in a hallway at the stadium and said, 'Hey Benny, what's up? Should Joba be a set-up guy or a starter?,' and he looked at me like he didn't know what I was talking about. I mean, you visit someone, you learn a little about their interests. That's just basic fucking politeness there. What a jerk."
"Why are there nine guys on defense, instead of a nice, round number like 10? I saw this slow-pitch softball game, and they had four outfielders per team, for a total of 10 guys on the field. See, someone was thinking there. That's the way to do things. People like round numbers. Whatever shit-for-brains came up with the idea for nine guys on a side wouldn't last long in my organization, that's for sure."
"I just bought some of that ProCede stuff. I bet it's good shit. I mean, Giuseppe Franco wouldn't put his name on the line for something that doesn't work."
From the Yankee Pravda:
Yankees manager Joe Girardi had a surprise guest visitor in his office at U.S. Cellular Field, welcoming in New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg for a
brief, informal chat.
"We talked baseball," Girardi said.
And Giambi's the Easter Bunny.
Apparently, Hillary will do anything to sabotage Obama, even seduce an earnest Yankee manager into joining a third party spoiler ticket.
Oh, well... At least they'll have neat campaign stickers...
Building America's Bridge to Mariano
SEND IN THE BOMBERS
MORE JOBS, MORE JOBAS
The Manager's Party
Vote Michael the Blue
(And Girardi, too!)
Bring Joe to the Plate
SAFE AT HOME
MIKE AND JOE
No bull, just bullpen.
New York/New York
For the USA-Rod.
IT IS HIGH, IT IS FAR, IT IS...
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Back when Jim Kaat was in The Booth, he called Ozzie Guillen, "Ozzie Gui-zhen."
I could never figure out (1) why he thought it was pronounced that way, and (2) why nobody in the production truck ever set him straight.
Now, I love Jim Kaat. The guy could pitch and play his position with the best of them.
But how do you get Gui-zhen from Guillen?
Mark Twain said it best: When the human race has once acquired a superstition, nothing short of death is ever likely to remove it.
From the Yankee website, a glimpse of either heaven or hell. Yogi Berra and Derek Jeter have been named the official spokesmen for the 2008 DHL All-Star FanFest, which will be held July 11-15 at the Jacob K. Javits Center in New York.
Yogi Berra and Derek Jeter have been named the official spokesmen for the 2008 DHL All-Star FanFest, which will be held July 11-15 at the Jacob K. Javits Center in New York.
They're calling it "an interactive baseball theme park."
To celebrate, an apparently Disney automated Jeter says this:
"DHL All-Star FanFest is a unique event that will bring excitement and enjoyment to baseball fans of all backgrounds. DHL All-Star FanFest is the largest baseball fan event in the world, and I can't think of a better stage to hold this type of once-in-a-lifetime experience than New York City."
Twenty-Six Flags Amusement Park.Main attractions:
TED WILLIAMS FROZEN TALKING HEAD.
PITTSBURGH PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN.
IT'S A SMALL WANG AFTER ALL.
THE BIG UNIT TOWER OF TERROR.ANDY PETTITTING ZOO.
GEORGE STEINBRENNER 1980s MANAGER-GO-ROUND.
DEB CLEMENS-JESSICA CANSECO HALL OF BOOBJOBS.
INFLATABLE GIAMBI DP BOUNCER.
RIDE THE SEPTEMBER 07 AMAZING METS SLIDE.THE McNAMEE CRUSHED BEER CAN SYRINGE COLLECTION
SEE THE HORRIFYING WAX MAN
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
IIH, IIF, IIc
In Today's Times.
The Gray Lady claims St. John McCain greased some real estate woopie with Arizona developer Donald Diamond during Yank-Diamondback games.
Dammit. This is an outrage!
Not that they cozied-up -- hell, no surprise there -- but that the two would bill and coo over a land deal at a Yankee game.
Story says, at one point, when Diamond is cooking up a deal, he writes to McCain:
''Sorry you can't make it to the Yankees series."
There oughta be a law. Wait a minute. There is. McCain wrote it.
Those reports failed to answer one essential question: On the same page of what book?
Back in 2001, when some TV funnyman dared question George Bush war strategy, eloquent White House press hound and superYankfan Ari "Not Hairy" Fleischer said it best:
"There are reminders to all Americans that they need to watch what they say."
Ari, where art thou?
Because that is the hell of present day Yankeeland:
We are handing the Redsock Nation madrassas easy propaganda victories on their 24-7 hate machine media.
Witness the cackling of today's al Yazeera Globe:
"The (Redsock) strong start is only reinforced by the fact that the Yankees' situation could implode. Already Hank Steinbrenner is talking about Joba Chamberlain and his 100-mile-per-hour fastball being in the rotation and called anyone who didn't see that "an idiot.""
Yes, they're laughing in the Kremlin, using our words against us.
Skeptical comments against our current Yank regime are being audio-looped throughout Boston, used to brainwash their blueshirt youth.
We at IT IS HIGH hereby demand that bloggers, reporters, announcers, politicians and citizens hold their tongues about the dismal -- NO, MAKE THAT "hopeful" -- state of the Yankees.
We call for a Citizen Ministry of Criticism Restraint.
OK, calm down, rights-huggers. Don't get in a Huffington post about free speech.
We're just saying free speech works best when everybody shuts the hell up.
From now on, if you have something to whine about Giambi's bat or Mussina's fastball, keep it to yourself. Beat the dog. Tug on a fire hydrant. Take a pill.
Loose lips cost hits.
With that in mind, we offer non-confrontational information content, designed to elevate the sphere of Yankee intellectual discourse AND NOT GIVE THE REDSOCK NATIONALS PROPAGANDA TOOLS TO BE USED AGAINST US.
SUBJECT: ARod's tweaked quad.
QUESTION: What is the status of ARod's leg?
ANSWER: Here is relevant information.
See? That's how you do it.
You don't go blabbing about ARod's superprego wife. You give out relevant Yankee Citizen Ministry of Criticism Restraint-approved infotoids.
In this time of crisis, let's remember the manfan called Ari and honor him through his most rousing bleacher chant: "No com-ment."