"He has a good job. He gets to stay in nice hotels, eat the free food and he never has to actually pitch."
"The Yankees have run the bases like Ray Charles for two days."
"Ross Ohlendorf warming up. Chris Britton has climbed to the top of the dome with a rifle."
Pete Abe's in-game analysis is priceless. Put this guy on the radio.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
"He has a good job. He gets to stay in nice hotels, eat the free food and he never has to actually pitch."
I'm headed to Frontier Field tonight to bear witness to some of the Yanks' fine fine vintage prospects. I'll get to see Jeff Karstens and the other fellas (seen below) in live action, right behind home plate.
I should bring a ball to get signed, because we all know that Ben Broussard is going to be the next Mattingly... I'll talk to Alphonso about making some bets on that little known fact.
1. Jason Giambi’s golden thong.
Note to Sterling: “THE GIAMBINO! THE MAN IN THE THONG HAS JUST GONE LONG!”
2. Kei Igawa scouring Pa. Amish Country for fine sushi.
Dice-K is on the DL with a mystery bum shoulder. Wouldn’t it be neat if, in the end, we actually get more for our wasted Japanese investment than Boston?
3. Carol Pavano. (The King.)
Great news: He's light-tossing off the mound!
4. Hank Steinbrenner, as chain-smoking, dim-witted acorn that fell from Family Tree of Back Page Quotations.
He’s does the Will Ferrell dumb-ass look almost better than Will Ferrell.
5. Derek Jeter’s personal quest to conquer the Maxim Hot 100.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, deliver him from Kim Kardashian...
6. John Sterling, "thu-uh Voice... driven by Jeep."
Frankly, it's too easy. Besides, aside from us at IT IS HIGH, no one on the planet more deeply mourns a Yankee loss.
7. Jason Giambi's emerging porno mustache.
To replace his weight jokes. (Hello, Chris Britton?) OK, time to state the obvious: As much as Yank fans can’t wait for the contract to end, we’re really going to miss this guy.
8. George's advanced senility.
As the Greatest Generation increasingly howls at the moon, this joke is losing steam. Who wants to be remembered for cracking the last "Old Crazy George" line?
9. A-Rod as A-Hole.
We glimpsed life without him. Let's STFU.
10. Phil Hughes/Ian Kennedy: The new Nomars.
God help us. This isn't funny.
Friday, May 30, 2008
When pooping next to Larry Craig
Beware his outstretched, hairy leg.
You’d best assume a new position,
When he taps on your stall partition.
When pleading next to Larry Craig,
Ignore the outcome he might beg.
He might assume a new position,
And call your court an inquisition.
When running next to Larry Craig,
Forgive him if he lays an egg.
When he assumes a new position,
It’s just the GOP tradition.
No, we're not talking about Jason Giambi's slow metamorphosis into a porn star.
The historic F.X. Matt Brewery in Utica - brewer of Utica Club, the official beer of IIH IIF IIc - was the site of a major fire Thursday.
Officials said it's unclear when they will be able to bottle beer again.
No more Utica Club ... NOW what the hell are we going to drink?
IT MIGHT BE... IT COULD BE... IT IS!
GOODBYE, MR. SPAULDING!
GOING, GOING, GONE... HOW ABOUT THAT!
KISS IT GOODBYE!
GET OUT THE BREAD AND MUSTARD! IT'S GRAND SALAMI TIME!
IT IS HIGH… IT IS FAR… IT IS… caught.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
We've heard from two different baseball men recently that Igawa asked the Yankees over the winter if there was any way he could return to Japan. The Yankees quietly explored their options, got nowhere and gave up. They're still on the hook for nearly $11 million to Igawa through the 2010 season.
What in the name of Carl Pavano is going on here?
We desperately need a LH reliever, but we don’t try Iggy?
Why? Is it that we're paying him too much?
Good grief, how many LH relievers have we pulled off the scrap heap, only to find that’s where they belonged?
Does our LOOGY reliever have to be Billy Traber or Sean Henn?
"Sorry, Ig. We can’t try you in the pen. You priced yourself out of the position. We’ll keep you in Scranton. That way, the writers won’t remember you. Out of sight, out of headlines. Oh, here's your flying monkey outfit."
So we get nothing.
I really hope I’m all wet, and there is a solid reason why we’re don't give Igawa a shot at the bullpen. Does he refuse? That’s never been said. He can't adjust? Not been tried. Too fragile? Who cares? His stuff won't translate? Yeah... and Mike Myers’s stuff did?
This is a bad time to start turning cheap. And in recent years, every time we've gone cheap, it's always cost us more.
The Little General
The Baby Bull
The Village Idiot
The Toy Cannon
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Last night, you got thrown out at third, picked off second and you whiffed trying to bunt a runner over. Your average is down to .286, and you turn 34 next month.
It started when when you hit your No. 7 (Mickey Mantle curse?) on the Maxim 100 Honeybucket List: The “Friday Night Lights” high school cheerleader, Minka Kelly.
Jeet... are we in a Jessica Simpson/Tony Romo situation?
OK, look… whatever.
But, Jeet, you gotta watch out here.
Springsteen had his Julianna Phillips phase. He recorded “Tunnel of Love.” Can you name one song on the “Tunnell of Love” album... aside from “Tunnel of Love?”
Lennon had Yoko. End of story. Sir Paul McCartney married the crazy Stump Lady, the one who poured water on the divorce attorney, after taking Paul to the cleaners. She claimed he made fun of her wooden leg. Frankly, we hope he did.
We read accounts of your divorce,
How Heather Mills, with foul disdain,
Did swear your actions caused her pain.
She claimed you swung a glass about,
And drank too much and cussed her out.
But one charged left all others vague:
SHE CLAIMED YOU MOCKED HER MISSING LEG!
Sir Paul, you never seemed a grump,
But did you sing, “Here Comes the Stump?”
And you’d be Britain’s cruelest schemer,
If playing, “Maxwell’s Silver Femur.”
Pledge to us, we hereby beg:
You never called her “Polythene Peg.”
And when you said you were the Walrus,
You didn’t add that she was paw-less.
No matter how she played the role,
You didn’t dub her “Rubber Soul.”
And think of how bad she would feel
To hear, “I Wanna Hold Your Heel.”
Sir Paul, no matter what she’ll say,
We still believe in yesterday.
But in a war of he and she,
Some words of wisdom: Let It Be.
Jeet, Jeet, Jeet... Whatever makes you happy, we're good.
Dateline; Las Vegas, Nevada. May 28th. 4:05 am:
A couple days ago, 89mphfastball started it in the forum.
1. WANG2. PETTITTE3. MUSSINA4. CHAMBERLAIN5. RASNER
I SEE NO ROOM FOR THE BOY WONDER, THE MAN WITH THE BLAZING 89MPH FASTBALL, THE “FRANCHISE.” PHYLISS HUGHES, MAYBE AFTER THEY RELEASE IGAWA THERE WILL BE A ROTATION SPOT FOR PHYLISS DOWN IN SCRANTON, HAHAHA!!!!! THIS GUYS CAREER AS A YANKEE MIGHT BE OVER BEFORE IT’S BEGUN!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!
THE LAST PLACE NEW YORK YANKEES!!!!!!
Wow you obviously have no life. How sad. Everyone has commented on here maybe once & you’ve commented what…like 300 times maybe? What a loser. Don’t you have some weird friends to hang out with? Do you even have any friends? I guarantee that you wouldn’t have the balls to say anything like this in person. Do you think Phil really gives a sh** about anything you have to say? I cant wait till Phil & Ian prove you wrong. There here to stay
YOU GUYS NEED TO STOP TALKING SHIT.STOP TRYING TO ACT ALL HARD OVER THE INTERNET.WINNING A FIGHT OVER THE INTERNET IS LIKE WINNING THE SPECIAL OLYMPICS.EVEN IF YOU WIN YOUR STILL RETARTED. PHIL DONT WORRY YOU WILL DO JUST FINE ONCE YOU COME BACK WITH THE GLASSES. HOW ARE THE GLASSES WORKING ANYWAY?
89mphfastball then countered:
THERE’S ONLY ROOM FOR ONE PERSON TYPING IN ALL CAPS, AND THAT’S ME. GTFO!!
OH, NO. NOW OTHERS ARE USING CAPS.
Ian Kennedy has a mercy injury, Joba Chamberlain is preparing to blow out his arm, and LaToya Hawkins is flat-out pitiful...
So what did we do yesterday?
The Yankees signed the veteran first baseman Ben Broussard to a minor-league contract and assigned him to Class AAA Scranton/Wilkes-Barre. Broussard, 31, has played seven seasons in the majors, mostly for the Cleveland Indians. He hit .159 with three homers in 26 games for the Texas Rangers this season.
Yep. We added to our fleet of Hummers. We went out and bought a new evening gown.
We signed a slow, LH firstbaseman -- our 8th inning "bridge" to Kelly Ensberg.
Let's see now, there's Giambi, Duncan, Ensberg, Betemit, Posada, Damon...
It's good to know we're not developing anybody young at the position.
Wait! IDEA: Switch Joba to firstbase?
Before yesterday's/tonight's second straight game of horrible pitching by LaTroy Hawkins, I geared up for Baltimore with some gratuitous spy equipment from Alphonso of IIH, IIF, IIc.
Once there, I secretly installed a tiny video camera (courtesy of Suzyn) in Dave Trembley's office.
The results are shocking... as seen below.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Charging the mound.
Around the horn.
Punch and Judy hitter.
“IT’S A TWO-OUT DOUBLE BY ROBBIE CANO!
ROBBIE CANO . . . DON’T YA KNOW!
A RIBBIE DOUBLE!
A RIBBIE BY ROBBIE!
Oh . . . what am I saying?
It was Jose Molina.”
It's almost time for the 2008 Major League Baseball draft, when the Yankees scour the land for the most frayed elbow available.
Our heroes -- who still await a pitch from 2007's first-round steal, Andrew Brackman -- will look hard for the top candidate to immediately go under the knife.
Two years ago, we congratulated ourselves on the early selection of college closer Mark Melancon, who promptly underwent TJ surgery.
Then we traded Gary Sheffield for Humberto Sanchez, who followed suit.
Of course, they joined JB Cox, Christian Garcia, and a host of other supposedly can't-miss prospects, all of whom have gone under the knife. And this came in the era when we signed Jon Lieber and Octavio Dotel, mostly so we rehab them to resume careers that were never the same before their injuries.
Meanwhile, we congratulate ourselves. "Look, everybody! We drafted a guy who would have been a top pick, one the top four, if not for the fact that he'll undergo surgery, miss the next 20 months and maybe never be the same."
OK, fine. What's done is done.
Melancon and Cox might pitch for us this year. Who knows about Brackman? Every young pitcher is a roll of the dice. Every pitcher is a Pavano waiting to happen.
But next week, please please pleeeeeeeze.... draft a guy who isn't hurt.
We at IT IS HIGH thank you all for coming.
A strangely robed man, wearing a pointy hat, was seen leaving a public blog cafe in the still snow bound mountains of Italy at 12:06 est today.
According to eyewitnesses, this international figure was watching the latest "movie " posting on the IIH, IIF, IIc Yankee blog, and hoping to win the prize of a week's vacation in Scranton ( tickets to the games, not included ), and attend the planned summer pigout fest and balloon twisting contest.
A lucky civilian took this picture of the publicity shy fan fleeing the area, and sent it to our editorial staff by JPG.
The secure, armored, and mileage efficient mogul mobile, pictured above, then drove straight into the trees ( at right ) and disappeared.
There was no sound. No crash. No smoke.
Our official blog counter, and auditors from Price Waterhouse Coopers, have yet to confirm that this is the real thing.
The Little General
Black & Decker
The Old Perfessor
The Human Rain Delay
Among the leading candidates...
Favorite Player: A-Rod
Favorite book: "Catcher in the Rye" by JD Salinger
Likes IIH, IHF, IIc because: "It's where the action is, baby."
Favorite Player: Dellin Betances (Single A Charleston)
Favorite Book: Koran
Likes IIH, IIF, IIc because: "Love Yanks and Yanks support, and is number one site for Yank fan, yes?"
Age: Declined to answer
Career: Currently on disability
Favorite Player: Roger Clemens
Favorite Book: Where's Waldo
Likes IIH, IIF, IIc because: "I like the pictures of the girls in swimwear."
Monday, May 26, 2008
Sunday, May 25, 2008
A teary eyed Jason Giambi confronted reporters today with the news that his right foot is among four severed limbs that have washed ashore in British Columbia.
Giambi said he "can't say for sure" when the foot was cut from his body, but he assumes it was during a west coast road trip, possibly in Seattle.
"All I know is, I woke up one morning and went out to the park to warm up, and it was a hell of a lot harder to run the bases. I said to myself, 'Jesus, I feel like I'm running with a piano on my back.' So I waved Gene Monahan over and told him that I felt some weakness in my foot and he said, 'Jason, you have no foot. It's gone.'" I was really shocked, but he was right. Where my right foot used to be, there was nothing. Nothing."
Right foot or not, Giambi is hitting .333 in May.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Daily Backpage has the scoop, pushing it into Day II.
The nut of it (Keep in mind, this is the Visitor Clubhouse):
Hanging on a back wall, beyond the lockers and just above a tiny dining table where players chow down on a snack before the game, is a sports ticker
with gambling lines, one after the other, on everything from the NBA's Eastern Conference finals, Sunday's Indy 500 and - perhaps most surprisingly - MLB games.
So, with the Orioles and Yanks set to take the field in a matter of hours, the digital ticker scrolling just above the players' heads reads, "Baltimore (-155) at New York
We say, Brilliant. Redford and Newman at their best!
Dangle the candy, and let the mark bite down.
Consider this possibility...
Sixth inning. One man on. Close game. On the screen in the Mariners clubhouse comes this message…
BETTING LINE ON ICHIRO STEALING SECOND: 5,000-1.
In the Mariner dugout, there’s a commotion. Out steps Miggy.
“Yo, Skip!" he says. "It’s 5,000 to one that he’s not running. We got bets says he does. You wanna slice?”
Yeah, she booted your sorry ass out of the house. But you can't sit around, plotting revenge, just because she's still in the game. It's over, dude. Deal with it.
Friday, May 23, 2008
We trash Seattle with Shelley hitting a home run.
Scranton wins, with Igawa pitching 6 innings (3 ER), Eric "the Other" Duncan hitting a HR, and J.B. (as in JoBa?) Cox pitching the ninth.
At Trenton, Austin "Action" Jackson hits a home run.
And Jesus of Charleston gets a hit.
Let's hope Alphonso gets the counseling and restorative medication he needs.
Today we are treated to yet another steamy revelation from the Red Sock fan whose feeble attempt to jinx the New Yankee Stadium was thwarted by the forces of what's right and good in the world.
Gino Castignoli reveals in today's Daily Planet that on the same morning he planted a David Ortiz jersey and a Red Sock scorecard deep within the bowels of the New Stadium construction site, he also contributed an additional souvenir from deep within his own bowels.
Yes, dear fans, Mr. Castignoli called for a deuce, took his own internal core sample and dropped a big steaming turd in the punch bowl of Yankeedom, metaphorically speaking.
"There was nobody around, and I really had to go," said Castignoli before a hastily-imagined news conference at a Midtown eatery. "It was early in the morning, still damp out. I'd been eating a lot of bran just in case I got an opportunity like this. I looked around, and then just went right there. After I was done, I was going to cover it up right away, but something told me not to.
"I stepped back, and watched the steam rise. It was really beautiful, like being on the backstretch at Churchill Downs after a dawn workout. It was so big, I wish I had a camera to take a picture of it. Come on, you guys have done that, right? It kinda looked like a big dead catfish, hey ... catfish. Heh."
Mr. Castignoli refused to reveal the precise location of his impromptu fertilization project, but indicated that he was "proud" of what he'd done.
"That dump has my DNA all over it," he said. "That means the DNA of a Red Sox fan is buried under the pitcher's mound of the New Yankee Stadium. Oops, I mean left, no, right field. Yeah, down near the foul pole. Yeah, that's the ticket."
There were no immediate plans to dig up Mr. Castignoli's contribution to the lore of the Red Sock-Yankee rivalry, nor were there any plans to auction it off. In fact, area scientists noted that in all likelihood, the dew-covered doo-doo had already returned to cozy confines of terra firma. However, respresentatives of the Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum in Cooperstown, N.Y., indicated that if any traces were recovered, the Hall would consider placement in a special exhibit on the shrine's front lawn.
One thing remains clear: The Red Socks are No. 1 in Gino's heart, but the Yankees are No. 2.
Many of you know that Alphonso has a baseball " exacta" in play ( sorry Commissioner ); That neither Ian nor Phil wins a game for the Yankees prior to the All Star break ( 11,000 -1 odds ), and that the Yankees will not score more than two runs per game for the rest of the season ( 408,000 - 1 ), beginning with last night's contest.
The combined payout on a $2 bet is 408,000 x 11,000, or approximately the cost of fuel for El Duque's luxury boat for the summer of 2008.
"I'm still good," Alphonso blurted. " But last night could have totally dissed my retirement plans for high living... I thought this ( wager) was in the bag.
As all Americans and ex-pats know by now, Ian pitched great but did not get the win and the Yankees won 2-1 on a Cano clutch single in the bottom of the ninth. The exacta remains in play.
The Vacuum Cleaner
The Melk Man
The Mad Hungarian
The Yankee Clipper
Conine the Barbarian
Thursday, May 22, 2008
We hereby adopt the independent St. Paul Saints of the American Association.
Sunday is Larry Craig Bobblefoot Day.
The first 2,500 fans in attendance will receive a bobblefoot. The design is a bathroom stall, with a foot that peaks out of the bottom and "taps" up and down.
The Yankees should hold Spitzer Night, with everybody getting a pair of knee-high brown socks that poke out of a sheet.
Page 6 of Rupert Murdoch's JETER NEWS & WORLD REPORT says the Captain's Log has a brand new entry.
Minka Kelly -- the 27 year old once-abandoned daughter of an Aerosmith guitarist nobody remembers, who on "Friday Night Lights" plays the kind of high school hottie than had us clapping erasors against our forehead back in math class -- is supposedly hoping to convert her fine strike zone into a World Series ring.
Gooooooooooooooo, Derek! Score, Cappy, score!
Last we knew, our boy was tagging No. 6 on his personal quest, to conquer the entire Maxim Hot 100. He's now pulled two gams ahead of John Mayer, and Mayer -- like Jose Molina -- hasn't had a decent hit since 2006.
To see Jeet work is like watching a sherpa climb the seven peaks, or Rosie O'Donnell clean out every fastfood joint in Terra Haute. This is like an Agatha Christie novel, retrofitted by Jacquiline Suzanne. One vs. 100.
This whole Yankee season is going down the tubes, but Jeet is having a career year.
Take that, Redsock fans.
And all you true-blue Tampa Bay Rays, take a good gander at the happy cheerleader above, and tell us once again how you'll never, never, under any circumstances, join the hated Yankees.
From the San Gabriel Valley Tribune, a truly horrifying story. CLAREMONT -- A local water representative Wednesday called for the resignation of Director Xavier Alvarez, who has pleaded guilty to falsely claiming he won the Medal of Honor. At a meeting of the Three Valleys Municipal Water District, Director Brian Bowcock called Alvarez a "disgrace," read from a lengthy list of what he called Alvarez's lies and urged him to have the "decency to resign your position."
WARNING: Do not read any further if you have high blood pressure, hammerhead toes or any sense of decency. This will upset you. (Especially you, Mr. Steinbrenner.)
CLAREMONT -- A local water representative Wednesday called for the resignation of Director Xavier Alvarez, who has pleaded guilty to falsely claiming he won the Medal of Honor. At a meeting of the Three Valleys Municipal Water District, Director Brian Bowcock called Alvarez a "disgrace," read from a lengthy list of what he called Alvarez's lies and urged him to have the "decency to resign your position."
The story lists the alleged false claims told by Alvarez, compiled by Bowcock, as:
Played for the New York Islanders
Wife a Latina starlet
Cal Poly Pomona graduate
Registered civil engineer
In the Marines for 25 years
Medal of Honor
Shot 16 times
Served in Vietnam
Played for the Boston Red Sox
This guy doesn't need to resign. He just needs to be around a bunch of fellow Redsock fans. Hell, they all claim to have won Medal of Honors. They all got shot in Vietnam. They've all suffered. Just ask them.
With all his honors and his great stats, why isn't A-Rod the king of New York?
In the sixth inning Wednesday night, A-Rod hits a home run - or, what looks like a home run. It hits the yellow staircase just beyond the wall in right and bounces back in play. It should have been a home run, but the ump blows the call and A-Rod only gets a double. He's pissed (justifiably) and argues in vain.
Later on, he comes around to score, so the bad call ends up costing the Yanks nothing. Nada. Zip. Makes it meaningless. The Yanks go up 8-0. Finally, after hitting what the manager calls "rock bottom" with a four-game losing streak, being outscored 23-4 in two games and dropping to last place - last place - something good is happening.
But A-Rod's not happy.
After crossing the plate, he looks out to the field - at the ump, at the wall, whatever - and shakes his head in disgust. He gets to the dugout, and slaps hands with his teammates, but is still visibly pissed, still shaking his head, still bitching.
All this whining because he lost his home run - which didn't mean a damn thing.
All the talk that numbers don't matter, accolades don't matter, MVPs don't matter. All the talk that winning is all that matters.
Yankee fans don't mind players getting pissed. Hell, Paul O'Neill busted up water coolers and threw tantrums like a spoiled 10-year-old. And fans still love the guy.
But A-Rod (or Mr. Rod if you prefer), here's the deal: You're getting mad at the wrong things. Yankees fans are pissed (just look at Whitey's post) over the fact that the team sucks. We're pissed that a bunch of millionaires are embarrassing themselves on a nightly bases and don't look like they care.
We want you to be pissed, A-Rod, but we want you to be pissed at what WE'RE pissed at. We want you to be pissed that the team is in last place, that Major League players can't even cover second base when they're supposed to, that a half-dozen guys aren't hitting their weight and that outside of Joba, nobody looks like they give a shit.
Well, nobody gives a shit unless you take away a meaningless home run off the stat sheet. Now that's something to get pissed off at and show some emotion over. There's a reason to get all bent out of shape.
Is it any wonder why your teams have never won?
Note: Edited to take out a reference to A-Rod putting up a joke sign about it after the game; some people wrote in comments that it was Mussina who put up the sign.
The IIH, IIF, IIc I-Team used its hidden camera technology to capture this footage of Yankees manager Joe Girardi arguing the blown home-run call in last night's game.
Here it is, for the first time anywhere:
Let's start the celebration.
A-list celebrity personal appearances?
Go out on tour?
Maybe we should make amends with the good people of Boston.
Folks... there's 100,000 of you, each one unique.
Yes, you're quite ill. And yes, your heart is aching.
But you are not alone.
It'll soon be Baby's 1st Birthday, the first 100,000 served.
What should we do?