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Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Top 15 Iconic Images of the 2008 Yankees

Counting down... like on TV...

15. Players on hands and knees scooping dirt from the Yankee Stadium infield following the final game.

14. Kyle Farnsworth crying after learning he’s been traded.


13. Chien-Ming Wang rounding third, sprinting toward home.

12. Joe, marching to the mound with a long face, hand outstretched, preparing to the take the ball.

11. That Tampa Bay Ray asshole pulverizing Francisco Cervelli in a meaningless spring exhibition, breaking the young catcher’s wrist.

10. A-Rod walking back to the dugout, biting his lip, shaking his head, then glancing back at the pitcher who just fanned him.

9. Sweat cascading from Sidney Ponson’s forehead.

8. Pinch-runner Justin Christian picked off first, killing a potential ninth inning rally, in a crushing defeat.

7. Mike Mussina being hugged after recording the first 20th win of his great career.

6. Jason Giambi slapping his hands together, grinning behind his mustache, standing at second base, in one of his short-lived hitting streaks.

5. Johnny Damon crashing into the left field wall, injuring his shoulder, trying to make a great catch.

4. Bobby Abreu stopping and turning to watch a ball hit the right field wall.

3. Carl Pavano walking to the dugout after retiring the side in order, facing boos.

2. The great Mariano Rivera, doffing his cap to reveal a bald spot.

1. Derek Jeter at home plate, saying it’s the fans that made Yankee Stadium great, in the most memorable speech of his life, aside from the one he’ll make going into the Hall.

What did I miss?

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Transcripts From Sox' Front Office Bug Revealed: The Teixeira Afternoon

Happy Holidays to all!


After a week of undercover journalism, I'm back with much to report.

Thanks to a relative in the F.B.I., I was able to secure a few listening devices.

One can only imagine what happens when Federal Surveillance Equipment falls into the hands of the It Is High investigative reporting team.

Disguised as unemployed Aramark employee looking to submit tax information to the Redsocks' front office personnel, I was able to slip into Theo Epstein's office and plant a XP-09 transmitter (spy-speak for a 'bug').

The first day, Monday, the 22nd of December, didn't yield much except for a few phone calls to 1-900 numbers, a few phone calls to a brain surgeon regarding Kevin Youkilis and a whole lot of Mark Teixeira speak, such as what foolish team would take Mike Lowell's albatross of a contract off their hands.

However, as everyone in Yankiverse can attest to, everything changed Tuesday, the 23rd.

What follows is an exclusive conversation between John Henry, Larry Lucchino and Epstein, recorded at 2:40 p.m. on 12/23/08:

(The opening sounds indicate severe destruction, similar to the sound of a cheap metal chair being smashed against a wooden door. The sound of shattering glass is crystal clear)
Epstein: "Whoa, Larry what's the deal? My mom bought me that vase from Bon Ton for Hanukkah last year..."

Lucchino: "Theo! Have you seen the news?!?! Have you turned on a goddam TV or radio since lunch?! Or have you had your nose buried in that 'Leisure Suit Larry' video game all afternoon?"

Epstein: "Geez Larry, well, I finally found the diamond ring in the sink at the bar, now I can propose to the prostitute and make it to the next level! Did something happen? I've been killing time waiting for Scott and Mark to call -"

Lucchino: "Well, you're gonna keep waiting you little snot nosed punk! The goddam Evil Empire just signed Tex for 8 years and $180 mil!"

Epstein: "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!"

(More sounds of destruction, followed by yelps of pain, and screams of agony. Suddenly, the distinct sound of a old, heavy wooden door slowly creaking open)

Henry: (Yawns first) "What seems to be the problem, gentlemen? Your tomfoolery woke me from my slumber."

Lucchino: "Count Henry!!! Be careful good sir, it is a full two hours until sunset!!! Steer clear of the window, for a ray of sunshine could end th-"

Epstein: "Count Henry, the Empire swooped in at the last second and signed my man-crush, er - I mean our first baseman we have targeted for years, Mark Teixeira, to an eight-year deal!"

Henry: "Ahhhh, young Mark from Anaheim? Yes, yes, he is a lovely looking boy, with fair skin and what must be delectable blood, similar to a mid-region Chianti from the 70's -- WHAT THE FUCK, THE YANKEES GOT HIM?!?!?!"

Lucchino: "Yes Count, I just came in now to inform Theo, but alas, he was nose deep in video games and hookers."

Epstein: "Now Larry, thats not fair! I was just killing time waiting for Scott to call. He said unless the Earth stopped spinning, he'd call at 2 p.m. EST with Mark to hammer out the details."

Henry: "The ring for the whore is in the sink at the bar, Theo."

Lucchino: "Would you two forget about that stupid, adolescent, soft-core porn video game? My God, our entire offseason just got screwed! At this point, the Yankees, Tex and Boras are making us grab our ankles on a national stage!"

Henry: "Actually, Larry, the more politically-correct statement is now BOHICA."

Lucchino: "BOHICA, Count?"

Henry: "Bend over, here it comes again!"

Epstein: (Heard giggling) "That's pretty good Count!"

Lucchino: "Well, what the hell are we going to do? WEEI is reporting that an angry mob with pitchforks and torches are forming and mobilizing in Kenmore Square in front of the Pizzeria Uno! They're not that far away, Count, and you can't be seen during daylight hours! We have to do something, Curly Hair Shaughnessy has a midnight deadline, and if we don't counter this move, him and Tony Assarotti will slay us in The Boston Gammon's Globe tomorrow!"

Henry: "Ooooh, I hate that asshole Dan Shaughnessy... Between him and Assarotti, two asshole columnists at one rag? What is this world coming to? Young Theo, my apprentice, what doth thou have on thy back burnereth?"

Epstein: "Well, we have the Penny deal all but done, we just have to make sure his right arm is still physically attached to the shoulder socket, but we were going to wait to announce that until --"
Henry: "I imagine that Bradley Penny has fabulous tasting blood! He's been engaging in the Southern California diet for the last few years!"

Lucchino: (slams a fist on Henry's coffin) "I've got it! Let's call the St. Louis Cardinals and see how much Pujols would cost in a trade! We could do the same with Florida about that shortstop we sent there for Beckett and the Ghost of Mike Lowell a few years ago! Then, we could release to the media that we've 'had talks about pursuing tardes for Pujols and the shortstop', and it could very well appease our fans long enough so we can figure out what the hell we're going to -- COUNT!!! Don't suck Theo's blood, we need him to play darling and sweet talk the media!!! Plus, he has guitar practice with Gammons tonight and he may suspect something."

Henry: (over the sounds of sucking blood from Theo's neck) "Trust me, Gammons knows the score...." (the tape ends with an evil, Vincent Price-esque cackle)

----- ----- ----- ----- ----- -----

More to come, as I imagine it will take Henry quite some time to discover the transmitter in his bed, er, coffin...

Yankee leadership divided over distribution of "Youk the Tragic Redsock" satire

FLASH: Bomber brass hotly debating controversial song parody that could tarnish Yank-Redsock rivalry. Lyrics to follow.

(Warning: Those who might be offended by vulgarity, bad taste and horrible rhymes should NOT read further. Remember: This is meant to be a parody of a parody that would be written by Yankee management -- think cocktail napkin in the Tampa Horse Breeders Association lounge -- therefore the rhymes must be bad. Got that? See, the real funny thing here is that it's not funny. In that sense, it's brilliant, one of the funniest things you'll ever read, because it succeeds in being unfunny. But, hey, it was this or writing about Minka Kelly stealing Jeter from us -- they're buying a love shack in LA -- which makes her either the Yank Yoko Ono or the 2009 First Lady of the Yankiverse. Oh, fukit. Crunch time. You already got the joke, right? It's so unfunny you have to laugh. And if you are a Redsock fan, visit our special Lounge Link to the left, just for you. Where were we? Oh, yeah. The song...)

Youk, the tragic Redsock,
Batted three oh eight
And set up in the batters' box
Leaning out over the plate.


Little Roggie Clemens,
Loved that rascal Youk,
And plunked his noggin oh-so hard,
People felt it in Dubuque.


(Several heart-warming verses about life, throwing bats, and exchanging toys for performance enhancing drugs.)

The games go on forever,
Not so little boys,
So Roggie Clemens went away
To play with other toys.

Youk still hangs his head out
And won't let his spirits wain
He takes his thumps still in the bean,
From Joba Chamberlain.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Yanksclusive: The Top 10 Yankee Stories in 2008 that the Yankaganda Media Didn't Want You to Know

1. Before Madonna, Alex Rodriguez dated Condoleezza Rice. Distress over her globe-trotting ways undermined his ability to hit with runners in scoring position.


2. The Japanese signed Darrel Rasner in hopes of unlocking the ultimate energy source. They want to learn how his 88-mile-an-hour fastball is converted into a titantic, 450-foot blast, the kind that could power an entire city.

3. Redsock Kevin Youkilis has a rare brain disease that requires a severe impact trauma to the skull periodically. If he does not receive a blow to the head during Yankee games, his own trainers must administer one with a shovel.

4. Hideki Matsui’s wife, whom the slugger took pains to shield from the public, turned out to be a man.

5. Before A-Rod, Madonna dated Condoleezza Rice. Her distress over world events undermined Madonna's ability to workout with runners in scoring position.

6. During the excavatons of Yankee Stadium, construction crews found the remains of the Broadway musical ‘Young Frankenstein."

7. After one big victory last April, John Sterling’s vocal chords became locked in a 38-minute "thu-u-u-uh", which ended only after Suzyn Waldman doused the veteran broadcaster with a cold bucket of Snapple. Doctors warned Sterling to keep all win-warbles at less than 8 seconds, or he will die during one.

8. Melky Cabrera, during a game against Oakland, astounded teammates by calculating Pi to the 190th digit in his head. Unfortunately, he went 0-4 with two strikeouts.


9. Bobby Abreu's wariness of walls stems from conception. Doctors say Bobby may have watched his twin brother die in the womb after crashing into the intestinal wall, while chasing a white blood cell.



10. The actual first phone call made after the death of Heath Ledger was not to Mary Kate. Before calling the supertwin, the house crew phoned for an update on the Yankee-Twins game.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Yankeetorial: We Must Tighten Security and Maintain the Watch Fires for Our Enemies Are More Dangerous than Ever

To the Yankiverse:

I am fear-blogging from paradise, unable to vacation fully due to the signing cease fire -- not one in the last week - and the sense that we will grow flabby from the constant masturbatory rethinking of our order (... oohh, Cano batting sixth, or Matsui, ahhhhh...?) Believe me: The Kansas City Royals fans are not sitting at home pleasuring themselves about who will bat third!

Go to Redsock terror sites -- I won't link for fear of driving up their commercial value -- and you'll see a simmering, festering, almost Christmassy giddiness that some gigantic trade is soon to come. They're planning to get Roy Halladay. They think the next great star in the heavens is someone named Lars Anderson. They're in their frathouses, poking pins into AJ Burnett dolls, and spitting wine coolers onto our likenesses.

Now is not the time to celebrate having won the 2009 World Series.

Bolted upright in my sleep with inner terror, I jotted down these notes, which I offer verbatim.

1. Feeeagents. (Translation: There are no more free agents worth sucking up to, unless we're talking about a Cody Ransom to compete with Cody Ransom.)

2. Htrrrrrrrrrrade. (We must prepare to outbid the Redsocks on any trade. I'm talking Halladay here. Before he hits the market, Theo Epstein will try to shoplift him. The Redsocks long ago built a wing in their Hall of Fame for Jacoby Ellsbury; they'd trade the bum in a heartbeat. They are starting to hype prospects in the way we've done -- (which is a good sign for us; hyping prospects is the best way to kill them.) But we have to be able to outbid them: Start with Swisher, add Melky, Kennedy and go from there.)

3. Important: Ga.. (Unfortunately, I cannot remember this thought. But I do believe it was critical. Damn.)

Filed over coffee in less than eight minutes.

el duque

Saturday, December 27, 2008

We're the only people in the world who had a decent holiday season

Think about this, Yankiverse.

The season began with a Walmart temp crushed to death by coupon-clippers. It ended with Santa using a flame-thrower on his ex-family
.


In the middle, wackos attacked India, George Bush dodged a shoe, the governor of Illinois got busted, and nobody went shopping.


Except, of course, us... the Yankees... the last true manifestation of American capitalism and hubris.


I'd like to insert here some wisdomtoid. I've none to give. Hopefully, by this time next year, a World Series ring will once again validate our lives. Then again, I remember that old Yiddish adage -- I think Whitey Fraud coined it, or maybe it was Shamus -- which says:


Want to make God laugh? Sign a free agent pitcher.


Oh, well. I'm off to a warmer place, family and all. A National Lampoon vacation. We thought of signing Andy Pettitte as spiritual guide, but he wanted $12 million.


Carry on, Yankiverse.

And if Santa rings the doorbell, run.

Friday, December 26, 2008

It's still Hannukah!



Here's what I want (since I already got a nice iPod Touch, gelt and nearly everything else I desire).

Written by our pal She-Fan, a goddess of the Yankee blogiverse.

Pre-order your own copy here. It ships just in time for pitchers and catchers!

And the winner is... The 2008 IT IS HIGH "Human of the Year"

Mr. Speaker, Mr. Chairman, President Levine, Governor Paterson, Pope Ratzinger, Coach Berra, Archduke Ferdinand, esteemed Gammonites and charter members of the Yankiverse...

At long last, Hell Year has ended. (Applause)
The last 366 days -- yes, the year didn't just seem long -- shall be remembered as a constant pain in the testicles of our collective soul. And it shall traced to the dismal play of those error-prone beings of humanity known as the 2008 Yankees. (Booing)

Today, though, we honor the person who brought joy unto Yankimanity.

First, let's note some great achievers.

Mike Mussina won 20 games for a team that didn't deserve a 20-game winner. He did it through heart. For years, we joked that he was "Mr. Almost:" Almost won 20, almost won Cy Young, almost threw a no-hitter, and we're almost glad we signed him. Let the record show: Thank God we signed him. We hate to see him go, though he retires with grace. (Hello, Bernie? Hello, Favre?) He leaves as a great Yankee. Nothing "almost" about it.

All year, Johnny Damon comforted wounded veterans and wounded teammates. If 10 measily pop-us fell for hits, he'd own the 2008 batting crown. He fought for us. He earned the Yankee fan respect that is reluctantly bestowed upon former Redsocks. We hope he retires a Yankee and wears our cap into Cooperstown.


Hank Steinbrenner sprang from his father's loins as a fully grown punchline, the underachieving buffoon-clone of another generation's Boss Hogg. Redsock fans said he'd bungle us back into the Omar Moreno 1980s. That won't happen. Brother Hal will run the team, and Hank is apparently comfortable with that. Surely, he had a say in spitting $400 million at Sabathia, Burnett and Teixiera. (He could pocket that money and buy more cigarettes.) The guy wants to win. We will make fun of him, because punch lines -- no matter how lame -- are hard to find. (See SNL David Paterson sketch.) But let the record show: We'll always prefer Hank to that oily, golf-cart driving, ginned-up, Stepford-husband, "look-I've-got-the-body-of-a-12-year-old-girl!" conniving moneytwat, John Henry.

Jason Giambi spent last year lost, in the field and at bat. Still, you loved him. He talked publicly about that golden thong, seducing the tabloids on a subject line that would bury most players. Then he grew the 'stache. He ate a lot of back page bullshit, and make no mistake: In NYC, that's a great addition to a club. Unfortunately, we were a team of DHs, and he cannot field. He's gone. Let's remember those two HRs off Pedro in our last great victory - blasts just as critical as Aaron Boone's. Let's cheer when he comes back and homers against us. Bring your thongs.

But in 2008, a truly wretched, hideous year... one human being gave us 12 weeks of pure, unadulterated joy.
Ladies and gentlemen, the IT IS HIGH Human of the Year.

Thank God we're not signing him. (We're NOT signing him, right? Please tell me we're not signing him.) No Yank tickled us as Manny did. Watching the Redsock fans foaming, blushing, accusing him of crimes, screaming until their fratboy voices changed... that memory must warm our hearts until pitchers and catchers report in February.

Congratulations, Manny!

Oh, one other thing: Ask Scott Boras if he'd like to represent blogs.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Alphonso's 12th Christmas


A 70-second Christmas home run derby that even Bobby Abreu would covet.

Happy Halladays

Even to Redsock fans.


Merry C.C.hristmas

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Babe Claus

Piece


Behold: A visit from three wise men

They traveled from great distances to the East, to the Team of teams, to accept gifts of gold, frankencense and stock dividends.


And it was a miracle.
And it ruined the Redsocks' Christmas.

Yanks Continue Belt-Tightening Ways with Cheaper Solution at Firstbase

Last year: Jason Giambi, $23.4 million

Next year: Mark Teixiera, $18 million

That leaves $5 million for the luxury tax.

Everybody happy.

(Insert Giambi waistline joke here.)

" Twas The Night Before Christmas and IIH, IIF, IIc Is Not Asleep !


Between my troubles following the IIH,IIF,IIc Xmas celebration ( which havebeen visually documented by other members of the editorial board), a small financial issue with New York's own Bernie Madoff, and some heavily armed guys in Tex-Mex uniforms prowling around with search warrants in South Mexico, I have surface for a few seasonal remarks:

1. We need to give a shout out to El Duque who, single-handedly, pulled off the Teixeira swindle.

It was he, ( Duque ) who urged Brian Xmas Chanukah Cashman to pull the trigger, despite the economic meltdown, despite the $400 per seat tickets to the bleachers at the new digs, despite the nightclub self-shooting of Plaxico and his suitcase full of money at home, and despite the hated Red Sox and their penurious, short-sited evil owners and GM.

Duque raged and raged. And he did it with words, not his sword.

As a result, IIH,IIF,IIc has two victories so far in the "Hot Stove Season," and the Yankees have yet to make a bad deal.

Take a bow, Duque.

2. With the recent reminder that my opening day prognostications for the 2008 Yankee team proved relatively prescient ( not to mention accurate ), I pledge to return to Tampa for Spring Training in 2009 and to blog-report daily on what I see, do, and think.
I will aso go to a few Yankee games.

You'll all get my first day predictions again in 2009 and I intend to be all over the lot.
But one thing I'll tell you now; Ian Kennedy will not win a game as a Yankee before the All Star break.

3. I hope our editorial guys are not out of gas.
We still need a speedy, power hitting outfield...I have Tampa Bay in mind. We still need a .320 hitting catcher with power, youth and a great arm. Let's go get one. Hell, let's get two.

4. And Manny should be available to us whenever we need a big hit. Let's offer $100 million for one year. I'd use him as a pinch hitter for A-Rod in every big situation. Then, he can finish up the game at third. Picture that.

5. I recommend tequila as the drink of choice for this holiday season. A wassail bowl full of blue agave and well-seasoned worms, with Dos Equus chasers. Can anyone tell me why the worms have a strange affect on what my mind sees, especially when looking at mulit-colored blinking tree lights?

6. I sent Hank and Hal invitations to our New Year's Eve party at the Cantina, with a promise of unusual good times, a view of some of our better prospects, and a chance to play a few innings themselves.
7. A $1 Billion payroll is my goal for this Yankee team.
8. And to all....a great ( ok good ) night !!

Election Suspended: Brian Cashman Named YANKEE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH FOR DECEMBER


Congratulations, Cash!
Your parking space awaits you.


Tuesday, December 23, 2008

What it means.... Special insider edition

1. Jeet is landlocked at shortstop. We used to figure he'd migrate to first or third. Now, he plays short to the end of his career... or until we ditch Arod. (P.S. The Angels have a lot of unspent money!)

2. The Blue Jays will have to deal Roy Halladay. They've already been mathematically eliminated. We could offer Swisher, Hughes, Kennedy, maybe Chien-Ming Wang, maybe Robbie Cano, scads of money, women, hostages, drugs, whatever it takes. He's the best pitcher in baseball. What. Ever. It. Takes.

3. Each of our infielders just avoided 10 errors next year. In Cano's case, he just saved a longterm lease on his NYC loft.

4. We avoid drinking the hemlock known as Manny Ramirez. And Hank avoids a crushed eyesocket after failing to produce game tickets for 35 homies.

5. Brett Gardner/Melky Cabrera/Austin Jackson get to play center without having to hit their weights. The Braves can trade us Mike Cameron in exchange for Kei Igawa.

6. The Redsocks keep Mike Lowell -- 70-year-old hip and all -- at third.

7. We can finally stop crying when we think of Tino.

8. Jesus Montero, our best prospect, can learn to play catcher or be dealt. We could get a closer for him. We also have Austin Romine, another great catching prospect. Scouts say Montero will eventually play first. Not for us.

9. We return to our rightful status as the most eyeballed team in baseball. The Redsocks were claiming it. What a joke. And so what if we're hated? Even when we are liked, we are hated. Bring it on.

10. Lefties can't kill us. There's no Giambi, no Abreu. We could have three switch hitters in the order (Tex, Melky, Jorge.)

11. We now have two guys named Teixiera. (We got the other one, a minor league pitcher, in the Swisher-Betemit deal.) He spells his name the wrong way.

12. Instead of eight firstbasemen (Giambi, Betemit, Ensberg, Nady, Duncan, Sexon, Miranda, Ransom), one.

13. With Tex at first, we can get a flashy backup for Cano and Jeet, rather than the Wilson Betemits of the world, who should be playing noseguard for the Jets.

14. Piss off the Redsocks. GOD, I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THEIR FACES. YAHHHHHHHH-HAH.

The best things in life are free; for everything else ...

Two top-flight starting pitchers ... $255 million


Powerful switch-hitting first baseman with a good glove ... $180 million


Watching Redsock fans whine, scream, rant, curse and cry ... priceless

Do you see what I see? Way up in the sky, Rob'rt Shepherd boy...

Do you see what I see...?


A star... a star... high up in the night...

He can hit both lefty and right.

He can hit both lefty and right.

Movement!



Teixeira deal done.

"Lack of movement" for Boras clients



Though patience is part of the process.

Happy Hannukah!

Little known fact: Kevin Youkilis is Jewish!

Here's hoping he chokes on a latka!

And the winner is... The 2008 IT IS HIGH Crystal Skull Award

... Given to the person who gave the greatest head...

And shoulder...

And rib...

And more head...

Ladies and gentlemen... the Floggin' Noggin... the Titanium Cranium... the Feudal Noodle... the Boston Baked Bean...

Our Crystal Skull Award winner... Kevin Youkilis.


DRILL, BABY, DRILL!

Looking forward to CC Sabathia!

Monday, December 22, 2008

Dare we hope for a Christmas miracle?

Lady Brett's got herself a bullfighter.

Have an Orson Welles Christmas

Ho ho ho. Uh-oh.

Conditions in Dominican League Still So Backward that Trainers Haven't Learned to Mask Drugs


That's the news out of Blood Selig's office, where MLB has suspended two unknown prospects, one of whom was listed as Yank beef.

New York Yankees catcher Damian Taveras and Baltimore Orioles pitcher Ambiorix Suero were suspended for 50 games each Monday after positive tests for banned performance-enhancing substances.

This is the real story:

Both players were in the Dominican Summer League. Forty-two of 69 suspensions announced this year under the minor league program have involved DSL players.

Yeesh. Can't anybody down there sell clean pee?

And the winner is... The 2008 IT IS HIGH "Rookie of the Year..."

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Ms. Martha Stewart and Eminem... (applause)


MARTHA: Thank you. Marshall, it's wonderful to be here with you because we have so much in common.

EMINEM: Yo, what you mean?

MARTHA: Well, your gift is rapping, and I love wrapping gifts. (Laughter, applause.)

EMINEM: Yo, bitch, I'ma fuckin' kill you. (Laughter, applause)

MARTHA: The IT IS HIGH "Rookie of the Year" award annually goes to the rookie performer who in the most recent annum out-performed all other rookies over the last 12 months. And the winner is... Marshal, will you do the honors?

EMINEM: Yo, it be one name... HANK.

Congratulations, Hank Steinbrenner!


IT IS HIGH hereby respectfully requests a Q and A with Mr. Steinbrenner to congratulate him and discuss the future of humankind. Hank, it's up to you. Contact us at: elduque.itishigh@gmail.com

Good luck with the horses in 2009!

Sunday, December 21, 2008

A Possibility for CF?

It's just a thought I had, while in a Captain Morgan's and egg nog induced coma this morning:


Have you taken a close look at the guns on this fine product of New Jersey? Jesus Mary and Joseph, I bet she has a better arm and more tools than Johnny Damon at this point.

Wonder if one year and a cool million would do it?

At least she wouldn't need her own suite during road games. I'm sure they could find someone on the team willing to split a hotel room with her....


Final Roll of Film From the 'IIH' X-Mas Party Found!

As promised last week, the final roll of film filled with photos from the It Is High, It Is Far, It Is... caught Christmas Party was found today. I immediately had the pics developed for all to enjoy.

A lot of folks emailed me to ask exactly where Hank Steinbrenner was during the CC/AJ presser at the old Yankees Stadium last week. This is the last known photograph of 'Hanka Claus'. If you need to rent a Santa for a Christmas party or whatnot, I highly advise calling Hanka. He was awesome at it.... Just make sure no kids or Redsock fans are around....

I didn't realize just how many members of the savvy New York media showed up. Here, Sweeny Murti (in the Betty Boop X-mas tee shirt) gets his groove on....

Of course, the It Is High Headquarters comes complete with an Olympic size pool. I don't know whats scarier: McNamee, Canseco and Clemens all in the same location at once, or P-Abe in a wet tee shirt....

My dog, Booney Boggs Brosius, spent a little too much time with Scooter the Squirrel. After the party, he checked himself in the Joba Chamberlain Rehabilitation Center, in Moose Breath, Nebraska....

This shot comes straight from Alphonso's cell phone camera. Apparently, that great-big-pimp- daddy-ladies-man grabbed a few of our, ahem, hired entertainers and secured himself a secret room deep in the bowels of the IIH HQ where he orchestrated a 'Princess Leia in Slave Attire Pillow Fight' for his enjoyment. Thanks for the invite, Alphonso....

Theo Epstein showed up at the party, and was spotted throughout the evening at the bar, taking shots of Jagrmeister with Carl Pavano, exchanging hugs and back slaps, and shoving hundred dollar bills in Pavano's pockets, all the while laughing uncontrollably. We left him in the hands of Whitey Fraud at the end of the night....

As for Carl, you may ask? While we were trying to responsibly secure designated drivers and safe transportation home for our drunken comrades and bretheren, Mr. Pavano somehow slipped past our security gaurds. He was last seen getting on the New Jersey Turnpike at 3 a.m. Rumor has it he was set to try out for the Leones de Yucatan, a Mexican League team the next day....

But, according to reports, he never made it to the audition....




Happy Hanukkah!


Best wishes from your pals, Brian Cashman and Theo Epstein.

(And remember: only goyim pay retail!)

Year in Review: Alphonso's Terrifyingly True Opening Day Predictions...

Nostradonso?

This is what he said. (Emphasis added.)

I'm in the camp that this Yankee team does not make the playoffs. Here are my worries:

1. The fact that Jason Giambi is our best option at first base is frightening. It puts a major point of weakness in our defense. He doesn't throw well. His fielding is slightly below average. His offense "upside" is unknown at this point, due to aging, performance fall-off and injuries of last three seasons.

2. Our outfield is shaky, too. Oddly enough, Abreu is likely the most solid guy at the moment. Melky has shown plenty of promise, but which way will he go as the league gets to know him better? We still see little power from him.

3. Damon and Matsui should be fine as interchangeable parts, but both have lost a step on defense.

4. Shelly Duncan as back-up to the other four outfielders provides; possibility of " hot streak" power if he plays a lot; marginal defensive speed and glove; excellent arm. However, how effective will he be playing sparingly?

5. Catching is fine as long as Jorge ducks the aging thing and injury thing for another season.

6. Infield is good. Wilson Betemit is a pretty decent back-up player.
7. The real worry is pitching:

A. We really don't have an ace.

B. Chin Ming has shown erratic performances, and one wonders how is head is dealing with post-season collapse.

C. Moose is bound to wear down as the season progresses. Andy is already wearing down.

D. Hughes is not impressing me as the next Roger Clemens. Not based on Spring training outings. He may become great. Or, he could be 9-10.

E. Kennedy can't seem to start a game without giving up a quick four runs. We know how that wears on a team.

F. Joba, let's face it, has not yet come close to pitching like he did last season with the Yankees. I think he had one quality outing.

G. Why did LaTroy Hawkins get an automatic seat on the bus? He always walks the first two batters he sees. Haven't we lived the last two seasons with bullpen guys who do exactly that?

H. Farnsworth will be no different than he was last year, despite the magical relationship Joe G. purports to have with him.

I. The best reliever in Spring Training was this guy ( Patterson? ) who had never pitched above A ball, right? So he won't get a MLB job now.

J. There has only been inconsistency from Bruney, Henn, Vargas, Edwar, Olendorf, etc. Nothing to excite.

L. The Alan Horne and Jeff Marquez "cups of spring coffee" were pretty uneventful and unimpressive.

Not bad. We didn't need to play the season.

And the winner is... The 2008 IT IS HIGH "Secret Santa" Award

Given to the man or woman who labored quietly for the Yankees throughout 2008, without receiving proper recognition.

Our "Santa's" 5.66 earned run average belies the fact that he came to be used only in runaways and against weak hitters. His giant bag of goodies included a rally almost every time he slid down the chimney to enter a game.

Ladies and gentlemen, the IT IS HIGH Secret Santa for 2008....

Michael August Timlin


Thanks for everything. Hope to see you again in 2009.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Yankeetorial: The Redsocks Say They're "Not a Factor" with Teixiera... And They NEVER Lie, Right?

To: Yankiverse
From: Department of Infinite Truth Operations
Subject: Redsock Lies

Dear Madam or Sir,

By now, we should know never to trust a filthy Redsock.

Karim Garcia turned his back on a rake-wielding Fenway bullpen thug. He paid the price.

Don Zimmer believed Pedro Martinez would fight fair. He was wrong.

The Japanese trusted Boston not to sign baseball players before draft-age eligibiilty. Too bad for them.

Mo Vaughn put it this way: "To be lied to for all these years is something that is probably tough to take for the fans of New England."

Now, they claim they will not chase Mark Teixiera.

They are lying. They opening their mouths, looking us in the eyes, and telling falsehoods, the likes of which would make Condoleezza Rice return her shiny jackboots to Bloomingdales.

They must learn a life lesson.

Hal, Hank, Brian... Sign Mark Teixiera. We must bury them now. We must offer $180 million. Put the cash on the barrelhead. Don't let them get Teixiera for anything less than $200 million. In the last 10 years, they've made it a sport to bid up the price of our players, cackling in private while screaming in public about how much we overpaid.

Now, we're going to let them have the best free agent in baseball... without bidding?

And then we chase Manny?


No. No. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


Hal, Hank, Brian... LISTEN!!!... They're playing you like a violin! Don't let them. Sign Teixiera! This is your Johan Santana moment. This is the deal you will spend the next 10 months explaining. Bury them. Make Teixiera an offer. WIN THE 2009 PENNANT NOW. It will not be cheaper at the trading deadline.

Letter to the Editor... "Ashamed to be a fan..."

Newsday

December 17, 2008

As a baseball fan, I have been following the antics of the two New York teams in their pursuit of free agent players. But the Yankees are the stars of the show ["Yankees: Really bumping up their mound staff," Sports, Dec. 14].

They literally begged one pitcher, CC Sabathia, to take more money than they originally offered, even though there was no real competition from other teams. Now they have to pamper Andy Pettitte and hope he will agree to accept a deal that reduces his pay from $16 million to $10 million per season - this after a poor season.

All of this is happening in a time when people are losing jobs and their hope. Americans have lost trillions from pension plans and the auto industry is on the verge of collapse, yet these baseball people are arguing over fortunes, totally oblivious about what goes on in the real world. It makes me ashamed to be a fan.

Michael A. Guerriero
East Northport

Letter to the Editor... "That's insane..."


Calgary Sun (Alberta)
December 17, 2008

Yankees Are Crazy

Dear Editor,

The New York Yankees are seeking $370 million, on top of the $965 million they already received, to help with construction of the new stadium. Yet, they sign CC Sabathia to a seven-year, $161-million US contract. That's insane.

JAMIE SEMARK

Letter to the Editor... "It's no wonder..."


The Virginian-Pilot(Norfolk, VA.)
December 18, 2008

Obscene salary

Dear Editors,

Re "Yankees land Sabathia for record $161 million," Sports, Dec. 11:

In this day and age, when teachers are struggling to make ends meet, the Yankees will be giving a pitcher $161 million for seven years.

That comes out to $23 million a year. There are thousands of teachers who don't even make $50,000 a year. It is no wonder that it costs so much to see professional sports events.
Ruth E. Cornwell
Norfolk