Saturday, March 31, 2012
The guy spans several Yankee generations, one of the last links to Old George. He built our farm system, personally sweet-talked CC Sabathia into coming East. Like Jeet and Mariano, his whole career has been Yankees, Yankees, Yankees. He is of-the-cloth. He is the Everyman who walked among the gods - and decided he had become one.
WTF happened to him? What made him into an adrenaline junkie, a risk-taker and an obsessive gambler? He climbs buildings, he slips off with nutcase stalkers, he crashes his wife and kids, and now, he may have gutted the Yankees for the next 15 years on a trade that - simply stated - he didn't have to make.
Last winter, if Cashman did nothing, we now would have six solid starters, plus Andy Pettitte returning, and we'd have Jesus Montero, one of baseball's next great young hitters ready to electrify New York. If Cashman did nothing. But he couldn't. He bellied up to the roulette table, placed everything on a pitcher the Mariners were willing to trade - right there, a flag should have raised - and today, Michael Pineda goes for an MRI on his shoulder.
The impact of today's MRI could haunt us for the next 20 years.
OK, get a grip... Pineda had one bad outing last night, and today's MRI might show nothing. It's too soon to panic in Needle Park. Last week, we practically had Joba on his death bed, and now he might be back in August. This could blow over. We could laugh at this... haha...
Yeah, right. Well, hear this, Yankiverse:
If Michael Pineda goes south, it needs to fall hard on Cashman. He will have brought his downfall on himself. I'm starting to sense a self-destructive gene, a psychological desire to blow-up everything he's built -- and if so, he's not the guy we want running the New York Yankees. He's now on double-secret probation.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Matches Jeet's 3,000th for intensity.
State practicing, Batavia.
1. Carl's ERA while pitching for the Yankees.
2. How Carl really hurt his rib in that car accident with the supermodel, costing him a year of pitching for the Yankees.
3. Carl's dream of returning someday to pitch for the Yankees.
4. Carl's "Single White Female"-level infatuation with Kei Igawa.
5. Carl's whereabouts - to Alphonso.
If the Dodgers go for $2 B, the Yankees are worth - what - the states of Alaska and Kentucky? To put in a bid, God would first have to sell the planet Mars. To imagine the cash it would take, you must ponder a list of pure, 100-proof evil: Trump, Koch, Putin, House of Saud, bin Laden Group, Ryan Seacrest...
OK, let's backtrack. Money, it's a gas. Some will win. Some will lose. Some are meant to sing the blues. Poor man wanna be rich. Rich man wanna be king. Ruby takes her love to town, and it's just a sprinkling of the Mayqueen. That's life. But how about this future rule of Yankee discourse:
NO MORE EFFING POORMOUTHING BY THE EFFING OWNERSHIP.
On Monday, you can't openly muse how much the team is worth - not even counting the YES Network - and on Tuesday, whine how the payroll needs a weed-whacking. The Yankiverse must never let them get away with this. When the Steinbrothers poormouth, they should be condemned for what they are:
Multi-billionaires who pretend to be mere millionaires, so we will feel sorry for them.
You know, I've heard Trump poormouth. The Koch boys do it all the time. Same with Putin and the Arabs. But I have never heard Ryan Seacrest poormouth.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Tomorrow: Official tentative Joe Girardi in-pencil proclamation of starting rotation (subject to change)
Saturday: Battle against always-tough (and future deadly AL foe) Houston Astros, former team of Andy Pettitte
Sunday: Official exhibition opening of magnificent Florida taxpayer boondoggle Marlin Stadium
Monday: Second day of christening future Florida Marlin monstrocity, eventually to be called Tax Debt Field
Tuesday: All-or-nothing "Battle for Exhibition Bragging Rights" game one against famous Chapter 11 Mehs
Wednesday: Game two of Non-Subway mayor's exhibition trophy against Mehs and last shopping day for other team's castoffs.
Thursday: Final designation of Yankee official 25-man roster and "Night of a Thousand Quotes."
Friday: Season non-exhibition opener -- "Battle for Tampa" -- against arch rival former Devil Rays, now the Tampa Rays.
2. Nebraska Cornhuskers
3. Albany Great Danes
4. Connecticut Huskies
5. Charleston Cougars
6. Concordia-Morehead Cobbers
7. Marist Red Foxes
8. Rhode Island School of Design Nads
9. Boston University Terriers
10. Fairfield Stags
The New York Yahwehs
Let's call this trade right now and move on. Yankees win, thuuuuugh Yankees win. The Jesus Montero era in Seattle is over. Guy couldn't hit his lint's weight. Nothing for 2012. Suzyn's in the clubhouse with the wrap-up.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
2. "the Pearl" Monroe
4. Grey tea
5. of Sandwich
6. "Fatha" Hines
10. (TIE) Averill, Torgesen, Tatum
2. Jack was born in Flemington, New Jersey, birthplace of Danny Federici! (BRUUUUUUUUCE!)
3. Jack was a star player in high school!
4. Jack was once traded for future Yankee failed lefty Mike Meyers!
5. Playing for the Orioles in 2003, Jack was on the verge of scoring the tying run with two outs in the 12th, when he stumbled on third base, out-manuevered the Yankee defense in an incredible rundown, sprinted for home with nobody covering the plate, then fell a second time and was tagged out by Aaron Boone!
6. In 2004, Jack had one measily at bat in the majors. He struck out!
7. Jack is known for comedic plays in the outfield!
8. In 2007, Jack was named in the Mitchell Report as a user of performance enhancing drugs. He says they made a mistake!
9. Jack is 6'1" and weighs 245 pounds!
10, Jack is viewed as insurance in case Raul Ibanez doesn't hit!
“It’s just another thing in the book of Joba that has continued to grow,” he said. “Add another chapter, and hopefully there is a few more chapters to come on the good side.”
Of course, this is what he meant.
... And one day, Joe appeared unto Cashman, the lord of management, and spake:
“O, Man of Cash, hear me!
“We hath no wings to fly upon, for our bridge to Mariano Rivera hath fallen long ago into sea of Randy Choate.
“In the pit of mid-game, no lead can is safe, no contest secure. Until we find a savior, our battle is lost.”
And Cashman replied:
“I know of a hummongus being whose girth and growl portend the End of Days. I hath seen the Leviathan, and it is called Joba..."
"Outfielder Curtis Granderson was scratched from Tuesday’s lineup with soreness in his right elbow. The Yankees said they did not think it was serious, but Granderson was scheduled to have a magnetic resonance imaging test."
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Says the Randy Levine of Boston, Larry Luccino:
“We are creating the Royal Rooters Club to fulfill a promise we made to our season ticket holders, while also finding a home for some of the precious artifacts that will now be on display as well as enjoyed by our fans as part of an enhanced tour program.”
Precious artifacts? How about fried chicken bones from John Lackey? Tickets for Yaz's private jet on road trips? A ketsup applicator for Curt Schilling's famous "bloody" sock. (Note: No DNA tests have ever been performed.)
Remember Gen-K? Paul Wilson, Jayson Isringhausen and Bill Pulsipher? The boys of 1995? Nope, we said: Our pitchers will be different. We will have a great staff, with Phil Hughes, Ian Kennedy and Joba Chamberlain.
Well, let's not belabor this. With Joba's recent Joe Theisman-moment, it's now up to Phil to salvage what has become our Generation Zero. As it stands, only Kennedy made it through the door, and he's in Arizona. (Reminds you of Isringhausen's career, eh?)
OK, I know that you're screaming: But we dealt Kennedy for Curtis Granderson; the trade turned out! You're right. But my point is, we expected those pitchers to lead us through 2020. We got one out of three.
Bump forward three years, and I direct your attention to our so-called Killer B's: Andrew Brackman, Manny Banuelos and Dellin Betances. Brackman's toast, Betances might go to the bullpen, and Manny got busted for Empire State early in camp, for lack of command.
Just remember this: With pitchers, there are no Killer Bs, no Generation Ks, no amber waves of talent. Now and then, one salmon-jumps upstream, and you find a great pitcher. Our best hope this year might be David Phelps, or some guy toiling at miserable Trenton. It's fun to give names to groups of prospects. But right now, it's up to Phil Hughes to save the past.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Nobody wanted Joba hurt. But on the day of doom, I recall this timeline of reaction:
12:30 p.m.: Working, concentrating. Overhear delighted Redsock fan saying, "Too bad about Joba."
12:31 p.m.: Locate breaking news on computer.
12:35 p.m.: Walk street, screaming at God, looking for bridge.
1:45 p.m.: Conclude this is good news. Minor setback. It will keep Joba from pushing too hard, too early, wrecking elbow, which feared he would do. Now, he can't come back too fast. It's insurance. Besides, it takes a full year to come back, and a good 16 months to be fully effective.
1:47 p.m.: Return to work, newly energized.
1:48 p.m.: Overhear Redsock fan say, "Terrible news."
1:49 p.m.: Check latest update. Hear Cashman "doom" scenario, suggests Joba out for year. Read comments on River Ave Blues. Joba will never walk. Joba could die. Amputation looming. Joba might be in wheelchair like dad. Joba will get hooked on Oxy. Pegleg Joba, they'll call him. Forget Joba. He is dead.
2:00 p.m.: Wonder streets, seeking death bus.
Today: Joba could be back in August. Everything overblown. Overblown? In the Yankiverse? IMPOSSIBLE!
But I still think at some point, maybe age 30, the gigantic one will figure out how to control his 7-foot tentacles, and become a decent, if not overpowering, pitcher. But not for us. Check out that ERA.
“Don, you’re right.”
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Meanwhile, the Blue Jays look like the 1927 Yankees of the Grapefruit League. Nineteen and four? Incredible.
If the playoffs were held today - even with the expanded one-game Wild Card playoff - the Yankees would finish out of the running. And you better believe the writers would be questioning Joe Girardi's move to let that game against Boston end in a tie. It cost us everything.
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Where was AJ Burnett? Kim Kardashian celebrates Yankee walk-off victory with symbolic pie-in-face flower bombing
KARDASHIAN NEWS NETWORK _ In a rare public appearance Thursday, Kim Kardashian's cleavage was brutally flower-bombed, apparently by a jubilant but drug-addled former New York Yankee, who in reliving a walk-off 2009 victory, mistook her busom for the face of centerfielder Melky Cabrera.
Kardashian's cleavage was visiting New York to speak on behalf of its humanitarian campaign for humanitarianism, when former Yankee pitcher AJ Burnett - half-blinded by a spring bunting incident - leaped onto the stage, confronted the two breasts and yelled, "Way to go, Melky!" He then tossed a bag of flower - he had no access to cream pie - into the famous cleavage.
Bodyguards hustled the cleavage into a bulletproof bra, where it could be secured, as well as lifted and separated. Burnett is now said to be at Rikers Island, collaborating with co-trustee Louise Meanwell on an unauthorized biography of Yankee GM Brian Cashman.
This website has learned of Yankee burqa-like garments currently being sold on the open market, even though their head-cloaking design is linked to 50 percent of the shooting death of teenager Trayvon Martin, according to Fox News liberal spokesperson/investigative reporter Geraldo Rivera (not related to Mariano.)
We are referring to the "hoodie," similar to the notorious invisibility device used in the Harry Potter movies, whose name alone conjures imagery of "hoods" and "die." Rivera - speaking on Fox, the nation's electronic babysitter for the elderly - blamed the offensive and threatening sportswear for forcing Florida Neighborhood Watch Capt. George Zimmerman to shoot Martin, apparently believing he was a young President Obama.
In an appeal to America, Rivera (not related to Mariano) said:
I am urging the parents of black and Latino youngsters, particularly, to not let their young children go out wearing hoodies. I think the hoodie is as much responsible for Trayvon Martin’s death as George Zimmerman was.
We at IT IS HIGH hereby call upon the Yankees, and their surrogates across America, to help unauthorized neighborhood non-police patrols fulfill their non-responsibilities, without victimization! Ban the Death Hoodie.
Friday, March 23, 2012
Gorbachev, tear down this wall!
For you diehards, here's the set list.
In Memory of Elizabeth Rizzuto
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Did Andy's impending return prompt the trade of AJ Brunette? (right)
First, I've been pissing and moaning about that sickening deal since the moment it washed up on the Gammonite red tide. For starters, you never have too much pitching. And since when do the Yankees scrounge for nickel deposits? Also, I could foresee - still can - AJ getting traded and facing us next fall in a rage of venom, a la Kenny Rogers for Detroit. Thus, I railed against the deal. Not that anybody listened. I'm merely the Voice of Yankee Truth. Why would anybody care?
But now, I'm wondering if I was too harsh on the Branch Rickey of Stalkables. If Cash knew Andy Pettitte was coming back to the Yankees, dumping Burnett would make sense. We'd have eight pitchers for five slots - instead of seven - and AJ would likely miss the cut. Under that scenario, he would loom as a future clubhouse headcase and a magnet for fan abuse.
So for whatever it's worth, the Voice of Yankee Truth here is taking back some of the horrible things it may have said or implied regarding Cashman's deal. I'll give him benefit of the doubt. But let's put a Gammonite on that question: Was Andy a factor in AJ's banishment?
Nothing personal against Melancon, aside from him being a Redsock. But for the first time since 2010, maybe we can puke up the rancid egg yolk of that Lance Porkman trade deadline stinker. It would be nice. That deal still bugs me. Let us count the ways: 1) Berkman clanked for us, 2) Melancon pitched well in Houston, 3) Berkman moved to St. Louis - we got nothing for him - and won them a World Series, 4) Melancon goes to the Redsocks, possibly the cheap replacement for Papeblon, 5) To be determined.
In fact, it could have been worse. According to news accounts, Berkman tried to convince Andy Pettitte to come out of retirement with the Cards, instead of the Yankees. That would have been the ultimate dart.
In baseball, you see it again and again. A bad deal just goes on forever, like a Kenny G solo. With our luck, Melancon will become Boston's closer, and Berkman will make the Cards forget Albert. Will it ever end?
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Now, it's basically a one-month prize. Andy Pettitte will return on or about May 1. He will knock somebody - Freddy Garcia, perhaps - into the bullpen, which will domino down the line, until somebody gets a mileage voucher to wherever on the New York State Thruway the former Scrantonians are currently holed-up.
But, you say, injuries will open slots for Man No. 25. One tweaked hammy, and the guy is back in the Bronx.
But in late June, Joba Chamberlain should return.
Number 25, we hardly knew ye.