Thursday, May 31, 2012
I mean, imagine it:
A young Yankee. One who might improve. A player you could watch evolve, grow, become a star.
One young player. Like the Angels, with that kid, Trout, who is 20. What a concept: 20? Plus, they have Trumbo. Where do they find them? They draft when we do. They're not Tampa, cellar dwellers for 20 years - (Wait a minute, neither is Tampa.) How do they get young players, and we have...
Ronnier Mustellier. It's gotten so bad that I'm watching him on the Traveling Wilkes Barres. He's 28. He's what passes as a young, upcoming Yankee. He's "young" in the Alfredo Aceves sense of the word. (And of course, we ditched Alfredo, didn't we?)
The Redsocks have Will Middlebrooks. We have... gulp... Brandon Laird - stashed forever on the Montezuma Swamp exit of the Thruway.
One young player... Just one. Can it happen? Nope. Not this year. Aint nobody bubbling up from the farms. Betances? Might as well be Beyonce. Manny Bannelos? Manny Ramirez. Austin Romine? Kevin Romine. Zolio Almonte? Eric Almonte.
We might miss the playoffs and not rebuild. That's an Isaiah Thomas team. That's a Rich Kottite club. That's Gene Mauch. That mediocrity genius.
One young player. Is it too much to ask? One?
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Texas signed Roy Oswalt.
"OF COURSE THE F====G RANGERS SIGNED HIM. THEY GET F====G EVERYBODY.”
Yes, people… the Rangers are the Yankees.
Unable to dominate the NFL, the malevolent, George Bushian state of Texas has chosen to exert its oily blood money in baseball. And we, the Eastern dandy heiress cupcakes that we are, graciously stepped aside.
Once upon an owner, the Yankees chased every free agent, especially an experienced pitcher who just might help us win a pennant. Somebody on the market? The only question is baseball was, does George intend to sign him?
Well, not anymore. The Steinboys own majority interest in a franchise estimated to be worth $4 billion. But when a free agent hits the market, they’re too busy perusing the slightly past sale-date aisle at Aldi’s.
What really sucks is that Texas not only spends the bucks, but it already has the best team and best farm system in baseball. It’s the Rangers lineup that scares people. It’s the Rangers team that brings out the fans. It’s the Rangers who everybody wants to be.
We used to be. We abdicated our crown, surrendered without a shot.
We didn’t want to be the big bad Yankees anymore.
Hey, did you hear the big news yesterday? We signed a Japanese scrap-heaper – Duzisuk Yubeteduz - for our famous Thruway Team! Hey, is Sidney Ponson throwing off a flat surface? He can’t pitch, but he’s cheap. There’s always a bargain at Aldi’s.
YANKEE RESPONSE: Talk about wasting money; Curt Schilling just cost the good people of Rhode Island $100 million.
REDSOCK CLAIM: The Yankee batting order has drifted too far to the left and is out of touch with the America League.
YANKEE RESPONSE: The Yankees recognize the civil rights of switch-hitters, and it's time for Boston's ridiculous stance to move into the new millenium.
REDSOCK CLAIM: The Yankees lack of business sense caused them to blow the Jesus Montero trade.
YANKEE RESPONSE: By dealing Montero, we created jobs for Yankee catchers and DHs.
REDSOCK CLAIM: With the number of Yankees injuries, MLB can't afford to pay for the team's health care.
YANKEE RESPONSE: Talk about health care, the Redsocks are still trying to thaw out the head of Ted Williams.
REDSOCK CLAIM: Arod is too old.
YANKEE RESPONSE: It's absurd that Boston is still questioning Arod's birth certificate, which says he's only 36.
REDSOCK CLAIM: Ex-Yankee Roger Clemens used illegal performance enhancing drugs.
YANKEE RESPONSE: Another flip-flop! The Redsocks created Clemens, and the Yankees employment of him was a virtual carbon copy of his work in Boston.
REDSOCK CLAIM: The Yankees are a failed American League East champion, and the people of the America League want a change.
YANKEE RESPONSE: The championship is five months away. A lot can happen between now and then.
Today, you will probably notice the revolving ads.
Hopefully, some will be for male enhancement therapy or special creams that
salve the places where hemorrhoids know.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
He cannot post from Mexico, so he is sending email messages - dated, I'm afraid.
"I bought this rusted out shell for $45 pesos. It makes me a Mexican citizen, by dint of ownership. It is about 299 yards beyond the left field foul post of our stadium in the south Mexico dirt field league. The significant thing is: the day I closed on it is the day the Yanks began their 5 game win streak. I'll stay inside until they lose."
Monday, May 28, 2012
"The grist of the Gods grinds slow, but infinitely small."
- historian Charles Beard -
Millions of Yankee fans donated psychic-mind energy to the International Juju Intervention (IJI), channeling their Rizzutonic ejaculations directly into TVs, which then wormholed the transmissions to central repositories, which the next day fed into the Yankee lineup and Yankee Power Report (sponsored by Indian River Nuclear Power Plant.)
The results has been - to be modest, here - infinitely phugging awesome, baby. Five an oh, baby. Ringadingding, baby.
The Yankees have won five straight, turning around a lost season and maybe - considering the stories published last week - even keeping the team owned by the family that loves it. It's like a Disney Family Network show starring Tony Danza and Tia Leone (Yankee fans, by the way.) Everything turned out positively.
How could anyone question the results of this incredible event, even if it forces them to confront their family upbringing, sense of world purpose and inner-contempt for the dogmatic religious quackery that has, until now, enslaved them? How?
And yet - (alas, there is always an "and yet") - there remain out there Doubting Thomases. You know who you are. As far as I'm concerned, the Doubting Thomas is nothing more than an English muffin - craggy on the edges, soft on the inside, just waiting to be toasted and wiped with butter.
The IJI has proven itself.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have built the bomb. It works. It can give Yankee life. It can destroy our enemies. Now what?
With great power comes great responsibility.
Since IJI, we are 5-0.
Five and oh. Ringadingdingdingdingdingding, baby!
Sunday, May 27, 2012
These people are fools.
Yes, it's true that the Yankees lost that first game against Kansas City. Point for the doubters. But it saddens me how some people today view juju as a light switch. They expect to shake a beer at the TV and see Mark Teixeira abruptly hit a home run. That's ridiculous. It doesn't happen. Except for when it does.
What happens is the juju waves you generate by doing whatever you do in front of your TV, radio or Yanklee communication device flies into a wormhole - we all know about wormholes - merges with billions of other fans' juju, sort of like sperm cells flocking around an egg. One lucky juju fertilizes the Yankee victory. But it might not happen instantaneously. We're still studying this.
What we do know is that the Yankees are 4-0 since the NJI.
Four and oh, baby. Ringadingding.
Gimmie a one. WON.
Gimmie a two. TOO.
Gimmie a three. TREE.
Gimmie a four. FOR.
What's that spell? It doesn't spell-
What's that spell? I don't know what you-
WHAT'S THAT SPELL?I JUJU!
Four in a row.
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Sculpted by lawyers... for all you lawyers.
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Friday, May 25, 2012
Less than four years into her first term, SWB Yankees President Kristen Rose resigned from office.
The news was announced in a two-paragraph press released issued at 2:19 pm on Friday, April 20, 2012.
In a Seinfeld-meets-Scranton turn of events, President Rose left the most powerful job in Scranton to return to Mandalay Baseball Properties. Mandalay Baseball runs the club along with the Yanks following a deal with the Lackawanna County Multi-Purpose Stadium Authority that was signed less than a week after Rose's resignation.
In announcing the move, Mandalay Baseball CEO, Art Matin, said "The work to search for a replacement for Kristen is beginning immediately."
Scranton Times Tribune SWB Yankees beat writer Donnie Collins wrote just five days later that:
While I'm certain there's likely a top candidate for the position working his or her way up through the ranks at Mandalay, here's some advice for those in charge of making the hire: Another suit from Mandalay, however qualified, however dynamic, isn't going to appease a frustrated fan base. He or she will be seen as a corporate big wig, inherently disconnected from the working class baseball fans of Scranton and Wilkes-Barre.
The smarter way to go would be to hire a candidate with ties to the area, and although nobody is beating down my door to put me on a blue-ribbon search committee, if I were making this hire, I'd at least call Jeremy Ruby to ask if he was interested. And if asking didn't work, I'd beg him to be
More than a month later, the SWB Yankees still appear to be without a leader.
A true captain is required in the best of times; just think how much it's needed as the club hurtles from town to town in what MUSTANG calls their "homeless summer."
Where do things stand?
Who is being considered for the job?
And why haven't we conducted a poll / election / Scrantonrendum?
The Steinbrothers are denying plans to sell the Yankees,
much like their dad once said he wouldn't fire Yogi. Well, we’re looking to one prospective owner with not only deep enough pockets to buy the team – but the
guts to say what needs to be said: Yep, we're talking industrialist Charles Koch, worth $20 billion, which will buy us a
busload of Yu Darvishes.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Undefeated and untied.
Two and oh, baby. Ringadingding.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Here comes Robbie: Swing and miss.
Arod? Time to take a piss.
Swisher needs a smaller park.
Tex, he’s really off the mark.
Raul? We’re simply out of luck.
Russell Martin? What the fuck?
Who plays left field anymore?
Last one out, please lock the door,
Brian Cashman’s last regime.
Shoot me, please; I hate this team.
Nova’s curveball seldom breaks.
Hughes makes serious mistakes.
Andy? How long can he go?
It’s not twenty-ten, you know?
And who’s our closer, Soriano?
Trust me, he’s no Mariano.
In the eighth, now Corey Wade?
Hell, this season’s fate’s been made.
I’m looking at one long bad dream,
Shoot me, please. I hate this team.
Trying not to scoreboard-watch the race between NY and Boston is like trying not to scratch a raging bout of hormonal acne. It's impossible! Your fingernails - like your eyes - can't stay away! And let's face it: This battle might just decide the 2013 top tier draft order.
Mark your calendars, draft talent gurus, for Oct. 1-3 - the last three games of the regular season. That's when Youk, Papi, Dusty and Josh return to the historic House that Ruth Built for an epic series, with everything on the line.
Why? Why must we endure this? Why can't we enjoy the cherry blossoms and horse races the way Baltimorites and Torontorians do? We spring from the loins of April like everyone else. We look hopefully at the season and then - poof - we're North Korea in a missile test. Is it management? Is it the nature of veteran players who need a crisis to wake up?
I ask because there is no guarantee that the Yankees will wake up this year. We sure didn't in 2008. And one of these days, unless we stop destroying young arms, we're going to experience a few season-long Mays. It happened in the 1960s in the 1980s. You can spend a lot of money and still be horrible. Last night, we beat KC - Kansas City! in NEW YORK, no less! - and you'd think we won an Oscar.
Are we dead and don't know it? Hard to say.
It's May. We always stink in May. But why, dammit, why?
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
This season, "Diamond Notes"--the segment of the New York Yankees Radio Network Pregame Show devoted to headlines from around the majors and bumpered with signature jitterbug music--has been hosted not by its traditional star, Suzyn Waldman, but by the Voice of the Yankees himself, John Sterling. To say that this upheaval took place without official explanation is putting it too mildly. Indeed, it occurred so far under the radar that Suzyn is still listed as "Diamond Notes" host on the New York Yankees Radio Network Wikipedia entry!
Is "Diamond Notes" a plum so juicy that John used the power of his office to steal it away from the woman he publicly calls his "Yankees compañera?"
If she wasn't thus pushed, did Suzyn vacate the role freely? Does her bubbly disposition conceal some tragic injury or infirmity, physical or psychological, that will dilute her duties now and going forward?
New York Yankees Radio Network listeners deserve answers.
And we deserve them now.
It is why I ran away back the dirt field league in south Mexico. This team is too old and the players are too rich. Cash man ( where the buck stops.....I know there are many failures in the organization, but they all work for him) has failed miserably in all phases of his job except over-paying: A. The Pineda trade B. The endless contract for an aging A-rod C. Mis-judging young Yankee pitchers, and consistently dealing away the good ones D. The pathetic record with respect to draft picks E. Total absence of young players, major league ready F. Failure to see that Nunez can't play a position, thus reducing his trade-value for A+ to D- G. Selecting a stalker for a mistress H. Not convincing the Hal & Hank rubes to spend some of Dad's money on real talent I have to run. The federales don't like me tapping the phone wires.
Dave Collins really swings the bat.
Juan Espino? He’ll be great!
Roy Smalley fields just like a cat!
It’s nineteen-eighty-two again!
And Dave LaRouche is on the mound.
Is there, by chance, a stronger wine?
I’ve grown a Bobby Meacham thirst.
It’s nineteen-eighty-two again,
Now batting, catcher Rick Cerone.
We’ve Jeter, ARod, Swisher, too.
Not Hobsons, Dents and Oscar Gambles.
Alas, I feel intense new fears.
It’s twenty-twelve… or am I wrong?
If eighty-two, I need some beers,
The next Depression's twelve years long.
Monday, May 21, 2012
2. Even the '98 Yankees went through rough patches.
3. You can't win without timely hitting. The Yankees aren't getting timely hitting.
4. Somebody is going to have to step up and get a big hit, but you can't hit a three-run homer every time you step to the plate.
5. Even the '98 Yankees went through rough patches. But these are certainly not the '98 Yankees.
6. Joe Girardi did everything right tonight in making the pitching changes. He took out Rappada and brought in Garcia to face Franceur, and it was absolutely the right move. It just didn't work.
7. Pop-ups were really hard to catch all game. Maybe it was the rain, or maybe it was the wind. But the pop-ups were hard.
8. Kansas City has a good young team.
9. These are not the best of times for the Yankees.
Pass the word, link to this, tell your friends: IT IS TIME FOR A NATIONWIDE YANKEE JUJU INTERVENTION
Friends, Buddy Roemers, countrypersons... brothers and sisters... saints and sinners... huddled masses... people who watch Dancing With the Stars... Yankee fans EVERYWHERE... YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
We. Have. Reached. Critical. Mass.
Tonight -- YEAH, GADAMMIT, TONIGHT! - Yankee fans across America must salvage our rapidly dying 2012 season... We must unite to rescue the struggling Arod, Teixeira, et al, from the downward spiraling sewer-trough into which the Girardi Jurassics have plunged. TONIGHT.
TONIGHT, IT IS TIME TO TAKE OFF THE GLOVES.
IT IS TIME TO CHANGE THE YANKEE WORLD.
IT IS TIME TO CHARGE THE MOUND!
In the bottom of the 2nd inning, each self-respecting Yankee fan must rush from the farthest sections of our home directly to the TV, radio or Yankee lodestone, letting no Redsock fan, spouse, beagle or child compromise your victory tromp path, and send forth whatever juju you possess to the Yankee cause. YEAH, OPHELIA, GADAMMIT, GET THEE TO THE NUNNERY! It's time for a Yankee Juju Intervention.
PASS THE WORD! LINK TO THIS STORY! GAS UP THE SOUNDTRUCK! CALL YOUR BONDSMAN! WE ARE RUNNING OUT OF TIME!
EVERY YANKEE MAN, WOMAN AND CHILD MUST PARTICIPATE.
THIS IS A NATIONAL YANKEE EMERGENCY. NOT SURE WHAT TO DO? WATCH THIS INSTRUCTIONAL MANUAL.
TONIGHT, THE 2012 SEASON - THUS FAR, A SEASON OF YANKEE HELL - CHANGES.
TONIGHT, THE YANKEES WIN, THUUUUUUUUUH YANKEES WIN.
TONIGHT, WE SHOW THE WORLD THAT THE YANKIVERSE WILL NOT SURRENDER.
TONIGHT. WE. CHANGE. THIS. SEASON.
"The end of time shall be marked by acts of unfathomable compassion."
- Dostoyevsky -
"The end of a season really pisses me off."
- Alphonso -
Sunday, May 20, 2012
The Yankees originally planned to crank it up on the exact date - May 19 - when we turned it around last year, but - well, NOW we're REALLY mad. We're going to stop fooling around. Starting NOW.
Having reached the point in the season where last year the Yankees suddenly rallied and started playing well, the Yankees said yesterday it's time to PLA BALL.
The rest of the league has gone and done it. They have pissed us off. Well, from now on, we're going to actually try to win.
It was cruel yesterday, waterboard-level cruel, listening to John call the ninth. It was like listening to Hal, the computer, lose his mind; you half-expected him to sing a showtne. The Master was so sure that the Yankees would mount a comeback that it seemed as though he forgot the Prime Knowlege about predicting baseball games. But he could feel it. Everyone could.
So goes this wretched season: Everybody is so sure the Yankees will mount a comeback. Fourth place i? No problem. We were here last year. Look what happened: We made the first round of the playoffs!
Yesterday, the Yankees were overmatched by that Cuban kid, Chapman, who throws 100 miles per hour. I remember when we were expected to sign him. In fact, everybody in baseball said he was ticketed to the Yankees, because that's what we did - sign the best talent whenever we could. That way, we balanced out the late draft picks we receive every year.
But we didn't sign Chapman. As we didn't sign Yu Darvish or Humanis Centepedes, or any of the stud international agents who were gathering all the ink. (I do understand that we have signed our share of prospects; we're just not going after the celebrated ones.)
George made up for his mistakes by spending hard on the players who made headlines. He always captured the back page. His sons don't like bidding wars, and maybe that's smart business.
And who knows, maybe we'll get to the first round of the playoffs, too.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
The grim news surrounding Kingdoms of Amalur developer 38 Studios continues to mount, as new reports indicate that the Rhode Island-based company was unable to pay its employees this week. Over the past several days, the studio has been in talks with Rhode Island officials to discuss its serious financial woes, and today a spokesperson for the Rhode Island Economic Development Corporation confirmed that 38 Studios has missed its most recent payroll.
Meanwhile, Rhode Island Governor Lincoln Chafee said that 38 Studios is in the process of fulfilling the overdue $1.125 million loan payment it missed earlier this month. This news comes just a day after 38 Studios head Curt Schilling met with state officials asking for more funding for the company.
OK. Contrary to pop opinion, I don't hate Curtis Montague Schilling. The fact that he loathes the Yankees, Yankee fans, New York, NYC, Democrats and humanity - and that he left the 2004 Redsock glee-fest to help re-elect the peace-and-prosperity Prez, George W. Bush - coupled with his work for U.S. Sen. Scott Brown, whose victory is probably the biggest single reason why Obamacare has a personal mandate instead of a public option, and thus will be scuttled by the Supreme Court, leaving 70 million Americans without health insurance during the longest recession in history - nope, the fact that this pompous, purely evil, french fry-faced golfer embodies all these things - it don't bother me a freakin' whit. What gripes my britches is how bigwig Conservatives oppose government spending except for when it lines their milky pockets.
Well, he'll pay it off. He has friends. Beantown Conservatives have always wanted him to run for Senate. Some Koch will pay the tab, like Clear Channel's Tom Hicks did with George W., so that Curt can ditch the private sector and return to what he does best - remembering 2004 and shouting holier-than-thou platitudes at godless Yankee fans. God speed thou, Ketsup Man. And good luck, Rhode Island. (But didn't you people wonder why Massachusetts let the guy walk?)
Friday, May 18, 2012
Tyings runs on second and third. Thuuuuh pitch. Swings... grounder to short. Over to first. IN time. And once again, the Yankees strand the runners. It was close, though. Because the Grandy ran, oooo, the Grandy man ran! Curtis, you're something sort of strandish!
The pitch... bouncer back to the mound. On to second, over to first - DOUBLE PLAY. It's a squibbie for Robbie! A-Robbie Cano, doncha beat that throw!