Thursday, May 31, 2012

It is time to take nominations for IT IS HIGH LUNCHABLES MAY YANKEE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH

May sucked.

I'm open for suggestions.

Report from Pittsburgh

A.J. Burnett allowed just two hits over seven innings, Matt Hague delivered a two-run double and the Pittsburgh Pirates edged the Reds 2-1 on Wednesday night.

Burnett (4-2) outdueled Johnny Cueto (5-3) on a night Cincinnati managed just four hits, one of them a pinch-hit single by Votto in the ninth. Joel Hanrahan worked out of a two-on, one-out jam in the ninth for his 13th save.

Yankeetorial: One young player... is that too much to ask?

One young player. That's all. Just one. A Yankee under 25. Fuzzy cheeks. A kid. Youth. Potential. Hope. Wow. What a concept!

I mean, imagine it:

A young Yankee. One who might improve. A player you could watch evolve, grow, become a star.

One young player. Like the Angels, with that kid, Trout, who is 20. What a concept: 20? Plus, they have Trumbo. Where do they find them? They draft when we do. They're not Tampa, cellar dwellers for 20 years - (Wait a minute, neither is Tampa.) How do they get young players, and we have...

Ronnier Mustellier. It's gotten so bad that I'm watching him on the Traveling Wilkes Barres. He's 28. He's what passes as a young, upcoming Yankee. He's "young" in the Alfredo Aceves sense of the word. (And of course, we ditched Alfredo, didn't we?)

The Redsocks have Will Middlebrooks. We have... gulp... Brandon Laird - stashed forever on the Montezuma Swamp exit of the Thruway.

One young player... Just one. Can it happen? Nope. Not this year. Aint nobody bubbling up from the farms. Betances? Might as well be Beyonce. Manny Bannelos? Manny Ramirez. Austin Romine? Kevin Romine. Zolio Almonte? Eric Almonte. 

We might miss the playoffs and not rebuild. That's an Isaiah Thomas team. That's a Rich Kottite club. That's Gene Mauch. That mediocrity genius.

One young player. Is it too much to ask? One?

Victory in Disneyland

One of three? I’ll take it.

We avoid a tie for last.

We’re done with LA.

We finally get out that Trumbo guy.

We survive Ivan Nova.

We’re one day closer to next year.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Yesterday, upon hearing the news, I screamed out the words that were so pressurized inside me...

They just Ridley Scotted from my belly, gushed out after I heard the news:

 Texas signed Roy Oswalt.

"OF COURSE THE F====G RANGERS SIGNED HIM. THEY GET F====G EVERYBODY.”

Yes, people…  the Rangers are the Yankees.

Unable to dominate the NFL, the malevolent, George Bushian state of Texas has chosen to exert its oily blood money in baseball. And we, the Eastern dandy heiress cupcakes that we are, graciously stepped aside.

Once upon an owner, the Yankees chased every free agent, especially an experienced pitcher who just might help us win a pennant. Somebody on the market? The only question is baseball was, does George intend to sign him?

Well, not anymore. The Steinboys own majority interest in a franchise estimated to be worth $4 billion. But when a free agent hits the market, they’re too busy perusing the slightly past sale-date aisle at Aldi’s.

What really sucks is that Texas not only spends the bucks, but it already has the best team and best farm system in baseball. It’s the Rangers lineup that scares people. It’s the Rangers team that brings out the fans. It’s the Rangers who everybody wants to be.

We used to be. We abdicated our crown, surrendered without a shot.

We didn’t want to be the big bad Yankees anymore.

Hey, did you hear the big news yesterday? We signed a Japanese scrap-heaper – Duzisuk Yubeteduz - for our famous Thruway Team! Hey, is Sidney Ponson throwing off a flat surface? He can’t pitch, but he’s cheap. There’s always a bargain at Aldi’s.

Yankee talking points for upcoming anti-Redsock campaign

REDSOCK CLAIM: The Yankees spend too much money and are exploding Major League Baseball's deficit.

YANKEE RESPONSE: Talk about wasting money; Curt Schilling just cost the good people of Rhode Island $100 million.

*

REDSOCK CLAIM: The Yankee batting order has drifted too far to the left and is out of touch with the America League.

YANKEE RESPONSE: The Yankees recognize the civil rights of switch-hitters, and it's time for Boston's ridiculous stance to move into the new millenium.

*

REDSOCK CLAIM: The Yankees lack of business sense caused them to blow the Jesus Montero trade.

YANKEE RESPONSE: By dealing Montero, we created jobs for Yankee catchers and DHs.
*

REDSOCK CLAIM: With the number of Yankees injuries, MLB can't afford to pay for the team's health care.

YANKEE RESPONSE: Talk about health care, the Redsocks are still trying to thaw out the head of Ted Williams.

*

REDSOCK CLAIM: Arod is too old.

YANKEE RESPONSE: It's absurd that Boston is still questioning Arod's birth certificate, which says he's only 36.

*

REDSOCK CLAIM: Ex-Yankee Roger Clemens used illegal performance enhancing drugs.

YANKEE RESPONSE: Another flip-flop! The Redsocks created Clemens, and the Yankees employment of him was a virtual carbon copy of his work in Boston.

*

REDSOCK CLAIM: The Yankees are a failed American League East champion, and the people of the America League want a change.

YANKEE RESPONSE: The championship is five months away. A lot can happen between now and then.

Yankeetorial: Another rotten game on our way back to mediocrity?

So much for the idea that we’d lose a game and not skip a beat. Or that our clutch-hitting woes are over. Or that Andy is our second stopper. Or that our season turned around. Or there is a juju god, who cares.

Our five-game winning streak now resembles that unfortunate final slice of pepperoni pizza that we bagged in plastic Friday night and set on the kitchen table like a hunting trophy. The cheese has congealed, the crust has turned gray, and one dime of pepperoni now shows a distinct recreation of Phil Hughes’ image.  

Which steals my appetite. Dammit, Hughes. I’m still sore from the hack job he pulled two nights ago. You score eight times, and you ought to win an effing game. But it’s something about Hughes' locker room analysis – oh, he was merely overthrowing because, goodness gracious, friends and family were in the stands; next time, he’ll take that into consideration, along with air pressure, humidity and the magnetic resonance of the upper atmosphere, wearing aluminum foil under his hat to lessen the impact, so it will never happen again! - leaves me wishing the bum could be sent somewhere farther from his friends and family – like our rest stop to rest stop travelers on the Thomas Dewey New York State Thruway.

John loves to say that despite all the trials and tribulations of this season, it’s amazing that we’re only two games out of first. Well, we’re also a game ahead of last-place Boston – and considering what they’ve endured - which includes Bobby Valentine - we should be nervous.

We better hope that a) the Orioles aren’t for real, b) an asteroid hits Tampa and c) Carl Crawford & Jacoby Ellsbury don’t come roaring back for Team Schilling.

That five-game streak is dead pizza. So much for the idea that an International Juju Intervention could actually save a season.

(Still, five in a row after the IJI. Ringadingding, baby.)

We are joining Yardbarker

Today, you will probably notice the revolving ads. Hopefully, some will be for male enhancement therapy or special creams that salve the places where hemorrhoids know.

Ads. Just what you needed, right?

Well, we are joining the Yardbarker Network. We came within an eyelash of doing it last year, but then lost our nerve. Because of the ads.

We view this as an experiment. We hope it will inject new life into the blog, by sending more visitors. Two years ago, we rejected overtures from several networks, despite the suggestion that by running alone, we’d be shut out from the mainstream and die. We didn’t die. But yes, we were effectively marginalized – (as we deserve to be, I guess.) We're like a team without a conference. A pro wrestler without a belt to pursue.
 
Anyway, let’s see what happens. Hell, I’ve always wanted to try male enhancement therapy. Maybe we’ll cut a deal.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Yankeetorial: We'll soon learn what kind of team this is

After a glorious three-day cholesterol bump, I parachuted into bed last night with a three-run lead, Jered Weaver in the MRI tube, and an Angels nobody on the mound. Slept like Justin Bieber listening to Teletubby music. Woke up to a 9-8 Phil Hughes disaster flick.

Once again, our pitching coach is Henry Jekyll. Today’s Nomo is tomorrow’s Igawa. I heard over the weekend that we signed former Met John Maine. I just didn’t expect him to put on Phil Hughes’ uniform and throw a game so soon.

From the Loew’s Broadcast Booth, The Master reminds us twice per inning that it’s amazing that the Yankees are only two out, considering how badly we've played. And he’s right. It’s amazing. But we have yet to answer one central question:

And are we the team that builds on winning streaks - that is, loses a game and then starts winning again – or are we the team that follows a five-win burst with five straight losses?

OK, I know what you’re thinking: “Jeepers-shucks, Duque, just hold another International Juju Intervention, so we’ll launch another five-game streak. Twenty IJI’s, and that’s 100 wins - home field advantage.”

Listen, you can’t just run an IJI every time you break a nail. Nor can you squander critical juju reserves in May. This stuff doesn’t just grow on trees. The IJI is a break-glass-in-case-of-fire juju weapon. It is dangerous. We damn near lost Grandy and Swish last night in the kind of collision that would have had bad juju written all over it. Running an IJI is like handlng hydrocloric acid. You can get burned.

We must save our juju guns for August and September.

Last night? My bad. I went to bed too soon. Should have stayed up. But WTF with Hughes? How many John Maines does a team need? By my count, we already have 10.

Another photo from Alphonso

He cannot post from Mexico, so he is sending email messages - dated, I'm afraid.

His latest:

"I bought this rusted out shell for $45 pesos. It makes me a Mexican citizen, by dint of ownership.  It is about 299 yards beyond the left field foul post of our stadium in the south Mexico dirt field league. The significant thing is: the day I closed on it is the day the Yanks began their 5 game win streak. I'll stay inside until they lose."

Monday, May 28, 2012

George Brett reacts graciously to news that Derek Jeter just passed him on the all-time hits list

Thank you, Jeet, for passing what's his name, the brother of Ken.

"The grist of the Gods grinds slow, but infinitely small."
- historian Charles Beard -

Make it 5-0 since the International Juju Intervention (IJI)

Last Tuesday, families across the Yankiverse gathered around their YESMO-equipped televisions to join an incredible outpouring of love, the likes of which the world has not seen since the detonation of the atom bomb.

Millions of Yankee fans donated psychic-mind energy to the International Juju Intervention (IJI), channeling their Rizzutonic ejaculations directly into TVs, which then wormholed the transmissions to central repositories, which the next day fed into the Yankee lineup and Yankee Power Report (sponsored by Indian River Nuclear Power Plant.)

The results has been - to be modest, here - infinitely phugging awesome, baby. Five an oh, baby. Ringadingding, baby.

The Yankees have won five straight, turning around a lost season and maybe - considering the stories published last week - even keeping the team owned by the family that loves it. It's like a Disney Family Network show starring Tony Danza and Tia Leone (Yankee fans, by the way.) Everything turned out positively.

How could anyone question the results of this incredible event, even if it forces them to confront their family upbringing, sense of world purpose and inner-contempt for the dogmatic religious quackery that has, until now, enslaved them? How?

And yet - (alas, there is always an "and yet") - there remain out there Doubting Thomases. You know who you are. As far as I'm concerned, the Doubting Thomas is nothing more than an English muffin - craggy on the edges, soft on the inside, just waiting to be toasted and wiped with butter.

The IJI has proven itself.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have built the bomb. It works. It can give Yankee life. It can destroy our enemies. Now what?

With great power comes great responsibility.

Since IJI, we are 5-0.

Five and oh. Ringadingdingdingdingdingding, baby!

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Why did the NJI show a delayed impact on the Yankees?

Lately, a few posters and commenters - you know who you are - have refused to accept that the Yankee four-game winning streak came directly on the heels of last week's IT IS HIGH National Juju Intervention (NJI.) They contend that the Yankees lost the game in which the NJI was held, so it obviously had no impact.

These people are fools.

Yes, it's true that the Yankees lost that first game against Kansas City. Point for the doubters. But it saddens me how some people today view juju as a light switch. They expect to shake a beer at the TV and see Mark Teixeira abruptly hit a home run. That's ridiculous. It doesn't happen. Except for when it does.

What happens is the juju waves you generate by doing whatever you do in front of your TV, radio or Yanklee communication device flies into a wormhole - we all know about wormholes - merges with billions of other fans' juju, sort of like sperm cells flocking around an egg. One lucky juju fertilizes the Yankee victory. But it might not happen instantaneously. We're still studying this.

What we do know is that the Yankees are 4-0 since the NJI.

Four and oh, baby. Ringadingding.

Four in a row, baby, since National Juju Intervention (NJI)

Gimmie a one.  WON.
Gimmie a two.  TOO.

Gimmie a three.   TREE.

Gimmie a four.  FOR.

What's that spell?  It doesn't spell-

What's that spell?  I don't know what you-

WHAT'S THAT SPELL?I  JUJU!

Four in a row.

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Our Long Awaited Privacy Policy

Sculpted by lawyers... for all you lawyers.

 Privacy Policy

ITISHIGHITISFARITIScaught knows that you care about how your personal information is used and shared, and we take your privacy very seriously. Please read the following to learn more about our privacy policy. By visiting our website, you are accepting the practices outlined in this Privacy Policy.

This Privacy Policy covers ITISHIGHITISFARITIScaught's treatment of personal information that ITISHIGHITISFARITIScaught gathers when you are on the ITISHIGHITISFARITIScaught website and when you use ITISHIGHITISFARITIScaught services. This policy does not apply to the practices of third parties that ITISHIGHITISFARITIScaught does not own or control, or to individuals that ITISHIGHITISFARITIScaught does not employ or manage.

Information Collected by ITISHIGHITISFARITIScaught

We only collect personal information that is relevant to the purpose of our website. This information allows us to provide you with a customized and efficient experience. We do not process this information in a way that is incompatible with this objective. We collect the following types of information from our ITISHIGHITISFARITIScaught users:

1. Information You Provide to Us: We receive and store any information you enter on our website or provide to us in any other way. You can choose not to provide us with certain information, but then you may not be able to take advantage of many of our special features.

2. Automatic Information:

We receive and store certain types of information whenever you interact with us. ITISHIGHITISFARITIScaught and its authorized agents automatically receive and record certain "traffic data" on their server logs from your browser including your IP address, ITISHIGHITISFARITIScaught cookie information, and the page you requested. ITISHIGHITISFARITIScaught uses this traffic data to help diagnose problems with its servers, analyze trends and administer the website.
o ITISHIGHITISFARITIScaught may collect and, on any page, display the total counts that page has been viewed.

Many companies offer programs that help you to visit websites anonymously. While ITISHIGHITISFARITIScaught will not be able to provide you with a personalized experience if we cannot recognize you, we want you to be aware that these programs are available.

E-mail Communications
ITISHIGHITISFARITIScaught is very concerned about your privacy and we will never provide your email address to a third party without your explicit permission, as detailed in the "Sharing Your Information" section below. ITISHIGHITISFARITIScaught may send out e-mails with ITISHIGHITISFARITIScaught-related news, products, offers, surveys or promotions.

Cookies

Cookies are alphanumeric identifiers that we transfer to your computer's hard drive through your Web browser to enable our systems to recognize your browser and tell us how and when pages in our website are visited and by how many people. ITISHIGHITISFARITIScaught cookies do not collect personal information, and we do not combine information collected through cookies with other personal information to tell us who you are or what your screen name or e-mail address is.

The "help" portion of the toolbar on the majority of browsers will direct you on how to prevent your browser from accepting new cookies, how to command the browser to tell you when you receive a new cookie, or how to fully disable cookies. We recommend that you leave the cookies activated because cookies allow you to use some of ITISHIGHITISFARITIScaught's coolest features.

ITISHIGHITISFARITIScaught's advertising partners may place a cookie on your browser that makes it possible to collect anonymous non-personally identifiable information that ad delivery systems use to present more relevant ads. If you would prefer to opt-out of this standard practice, please visit our advertising partner Platform-A's privacy policy and opt-out page.

Sharing Your Information

Rest assured that we neither rent nor sell your personal information to anyone and that we will share your personal information only as described
below.
ITISHIGHITISFARITIScaught Personnel: ITISHIGHITISFARITIScaught personnel and authorized consultants and/or contractors may have access to user information if necessary in the normal course of ITISHIGHITISFARITIScaught business.

Business Transfers: In some cases, we may choose to buy or sell assets. In these types of transactions, user information is typically one of the business assets that is transferred. Moreover, if ITISHIGHITISFARITIScaught, or substantially all of its assets, were acquired, user information would be one of the assets that is transferred.

Protection of ITISHIGHITISFARITIScaught and Others: We may release personal information when we believe in good faith that release is necessary to comply with a law; to enforce or apply our Terms of Use and other policies; or to protect the rights, property, or safety of ITISHIGHITISFARITIScaught, our employees, our users, or others. This includes exchanging information with other companies and organizations for fraud protection and credit risk reduction.

Syndication: ITISHIGHITISFARITIScaught allows for the RSS syndication of all of its public content within the ITISHIGHITISFARITIScaught website.

With Your Consent: Except as noted above, we will contact you when your personal information is shared with third parties or used for a purpose incompatible with the purpose(s) for which it was originally collected, and you will be able to opt out to prevent the sharing of this information.

Children Under 18 Years of Age

You must be 13 years and older to register to use the ITISHIGHITISFARITIScaught website. As a result, ITISHIGHITISFARITIScaught does not specifically collect information about children. If we learn that ITISHIGHITISFARITIScaught has collected information from a child under the age of 13, we will delete that information as quickly as possible. We recommend that minors between the ages of 13 and 18 ask and receive their parents' permission before using ITISHIGHITISFARITIScaught or sending information about themselves or anyone else over the Internet.

Changes to this Privacy Policy

ITISHIGHITISFARITIScaught may amend this Privacy Policy from time to time, at its sole discretion. Use of information we collect now is subject to thePrivacy Policy in effect at the time such information is used. If we make changes to the Privacy Policy, we will notify you by posting an announcement on the ITISHIGHITISFARITIScaught website so you are always aware of what information we collect, how we use it, and under what circumstances if any, it is disclosed.

Conditions of Use

If you decide to visit ITISHIGHITISFARITIScaught website, your visit and any possible dispute over privacy is subject to this Privacy Policy and our Terms of Use, including limitations on damages, arbitration of disputes, and application of California state law.

Effective Date of this Privacy Policy

This Privacy Policy is effective as of May 27, 2012 and last updated May 27, 2012.

Three in a row since National Juju Intervention

Like a surgically augmented cougar on a reality TV party weekend, the Girardi Jurassics have banged out three quick victory yelps since the National Juju Intervention, (NJI) conducted Monday night in rec rooms, tenements, trailers and s/m hostage dungeons throughout the thinking fan’s Yankiverse.

Three in a row. As they say in Hollywood, ringadingding, baby.

Now, OK… I know what you’re thinking:

“Duque, wow, I mean, omygod, it’s like, minga! You’ve saved the Yankee season! Now that you’ve rendered unto humanity the secrets of juju, it’s like you taught us to fish, rather than giving us a fish, were you planning to do that? Because, wow, now the Yankees can win every game!”

Reader, have I ever told you that you are far smarter than the average Internet lardbrain? Because. You. Are. And dammit, you nailed it. There is absolutely no reason why the Yankees cannot win every game. Every game.

But…

We shouldn’t win them all. We must parcel out NJI bombs in a way that keeps authorities off the Yankee tail. If we just the table – 90 straight wins – people will get suspicious. There will be a federal investigation of this site. Authorities will mount a crackdown. Not only that, but we might as well forget about signing Cole Hamel next winter, because MLB will never allow it. Therefore, we must stop at five, maybe six a row. And we cannot simply hold another NJI.

The juju bump goes only so far, and you do not want to run two national interventions in close proximity: It’s like drinking a keg of amoxicillin to derail a cold, and then entering a Long John Silver’s to find the sneezing counter-girl has a bad case of flesh-eating disease. You’ve played your hand.

Still… three in a row, baby! Arod and Teixeira may be coming around. We still have nothing on the Thruway – Betances couldn’t throw strikes last night, but Ronnier Mustellier, the Cubist international man of mystery, hit another homer. Three in a row!

Today, let’s sweep our living rooms with an imaginary juju broom.

Friday, May 25, 2012

Photo from Alphonso

No lie: From a vast, uncharted area of Mexico, Alphonso today sent this iPhone shot, proof that his "legend is spreading across the globe." Also, that he spends most of his sight-seeing in a horizontal position.

Continuing Superhero comparisons: If the Yankees were the Sopranos

Pauly Walnuts

Uncle Junnie

Anthony Junior

Christopher Moltisanti

Dr. Melfi

Meadow Soprano


Silvio


Sal "Big Pussy"

Tony



The Second Most Important Presidential Election Of 2012, And Nobody Seems To Care




Less than four years into her first term, SWB Yankees President Kristen Rose resigned from office.

The news was announced in a two-paragraph press released issued at 2:19 pm on Friday, April 20, 2012.

In a Seinfeld-meets-Scranton turn of events, President Rose left the most powerful job in Scranton to return to Mandalay Baseball Properties.  Mandalay Baseball runs the club along with the Yanks following a deal with the Lackawanna County Multi-Purpose Stadium Authority that was signed less than a week after Rose's resignation.

In announcing the move, Mandalay Baseball CEO, Art Matin, said "The work to search for a replacement for Kristen is beginning immediately."

Scranton Times Tribune SWB Yankees beat writer Donnie Collins wrote just five days later that:




While I'm certain there's likely a top candidate for the position working his or her way up through the ranks at Mandalay, here's some advice for those in charge of making the hire: Another suit from Mandalay, however qualified, however dynamic, isn't going to appease a frustrated fan base. He or she will be seen as a corporate big wig, inherently disconnected from the working class baseball fans of Scranton and Wilkes-Barre.



The smarter way to go would be to hire a candidate with ties to the area, and although nobody is beating down my door to put me on a blue-ribbon search committee, if I were making this hire, I'd at least call Jeremy Ruby to ask if he was interested.  And if asking didn't work, I'd beg him to be
interested.




More than a month later, the SWB Yankees still appear to be without a leader. 

A true captain is required in the best of times; just think how much it's needed as the club hurtles from town to town in what MUSTANG calls their "homeless summer."

Where do things stand?

Who is being considered for the job?

And why haven't we conducted a poll / election / Scrantonrendum?





If Charles Koch buys the Yankees… the first attack ad

The Steinbrothers are denying plans to sell the Yankees, much like their dad once said he wouldn't fire Yogi. Well, we’re looking to one prospective owner with not only deep enough pockets to buy the team – but the guts to say what needs to be said: Yep, we're talking industrialist Charles Koch, worth $20 billion, which will buy us a busload of Yu Darvishes.

Best of all, the Kochster knows how to get his message across.

video

Live Cam Lets Fans Watch Work on Scranton Stadium



Live video from your Android device on Ustream



You have to figure the Traveling Wilkes Barres are checking this every day.

There Is Some Good News !

The Yankees are not as far behind the Orioles as the Twins are behind the Indians. World War II ended in our favor.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Links


For whatever it's worth: Yankee record after the Juju Intervention: 2-0

We are undefeated since Monday night's national juju intervention.

Undefeated and untied.

Two and oh, baby. Ringadingding.

The latest one that got away

Meet Zach McAllister of the Cleveland Indians. He's 24. Last night, he shut down the Detroit Tigers. He used to be a Yankee. We traded him for Austin Kearns.

Love for sale?


The Hamptons are buzzing like my rear end after a trip to Taco Bell. Instead of secretly bankrolling attacks on Barack Obama, billionaires have a new national parlor game: Imagining themselves buying the Yankees.  

Supposedly, the Steinboys want to cash out. They’ve looked at the farm system, seen Dellin Betances’ walk-to-strikes ration and – crazy as it sounds - the notion of crapping away $20 mill a year through 2017 for Arod is about as appealing as volunteering for a medical study on shingles. Being knowledgeable fans, they’re ready to – as the baseball players say – “punt.”

Not sure how to read this. Ever since shelling out for the Big Three – CC, AJ and Tex – the bros have looked upon big name free agents the way Kim Kardashian would view a hotdog. They’ve wanted no part of spending their hard-inherited money. Nevertheless, they do have a crazy family name to uphold, and it’s hard to imagine them letting the Yankees fall too far without having to cover Dad’s statue with tar paper.

The key, of course, is who would buy the team?

Out, out, OUT must that Dolan guy, the one who wrecked the Knicks into the next millennium. If he gets near, we get Isaiah Thomas, the Kim Jung Il of coaches. Another would be Donald Trump. Despite the advantages of an obvious megalomaniac, Trump is the Steinbrenner of 1982, not the one of 1995. Remember the birther thing he was pushing? In terms of stupidity, that’s the equivalent of five Jay Buhner trades.

We need a smartypants, maybe a Zuckerberg (after he gets out of jail) or a Brad Pitt or a George Clooney. We need somebody who loves the Yankees, and who can take the phone call at 2 a.m. to handle the crisis of Joba blowing out his ankle on a kiddie tramp, and who walks among billionaires like a lion. One person fills that bill.

Two in a Row: NYC readies Canyon of Heroes for "Victory-Over-KC" Yankees

Yeah, in case you're wondering,
this is sarcasm.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Bootleg video of Girardi's motivational speech before KC game

Shoot Me Please: The Yankee 2012 Poem


Jeter always fights the fight.
Grandy swings like Betty White.
Here comes Robbie: Swing and miss.
Arod? Time to take a piss.
Swisher needs a smaller park.
Tex, he’s really off the mark.
Raul? We’re simply out of luck.
Russell Martin? What the fuck?
Who plays left field anymore?
Last one out, please lock the door,
Brian Cashman’s last regime.
Shoot me, please; I hate this team.

CC’s somehow lost his way.
Kuroda? Just another Kei.
Nova’s curveball seldom breaks.
Hughes makes serious mistakes.
Andy? How long can he go?
It’s not twenty-ten, you know?
And who’s our closer, Soriano?
Trust me, he’s no Mariano.
In the eighth, now Corey Wade?
Hell, this season’s fate’s been made.
I’m looking at one long bad dream,
Shoot me, please. I hate this team.

It's a Good Life

MLB.com Executive Correspondent Richard "Good News" Justice weighs in on all the Yankee good news you never hear about. Previous good news bulletins from Justice:

Yanks open 1-game lead on R'socks


Trying not to scoreboard-watch the race between NY and Boston is like trying not to scratch a raging bout of hormonal acne. It's impossible! Your fingernails - like your eyes - can't stay away! And let's face it: This battle might just decide the 2013 top tier draft order.

Mark your calendars, draft talent gurus, for Oct. 1-3 - the last three games of the regular season. That's when Youk, Papi, Dusty and Josh return to the historic House that Ruth Built for an epic series, with everything on the line.

Yankeetorial: Why do we always stink in May?

For the Yankees, May is Hell Month, the dog days, the twilight zone, the trench of the calendar. It is a time when Jeter - yes, Jeter - was once finished, washed-up, stuck in the worst slump of his career. Bobby Abreu couldn't hit a battleship with a champagne bottle, and these days, Teixeira is being fitted for the Hebrew Home at Riverside. (I've been there; it's like a college campus.) Every May we hit Skid Row like a human Charlie Sheen bomb. We become a disgrace, and the front office, or the players, or somebody gadammit, needs to go, to be boiled in oil - that is, after being shot. May sucks.

Why? Why must we endure this? Why can't we enjoy the cherry blossoms and horse races the way Baltimorites and Torontorians do? We spring from the loins of April like everyone else. We look hopefully at the season and then - poof - we're North Korea in a missile test. Is it management? Is it the nature of veteran players who need a crisis to wake up?

I ask because there is no guarantee that the Yankees will wake up this year. We sure didn't in 2008. And one of these days, unless we stop destroying young arms, we're going to experience a few season-long Mays. It happened in the 1960s in the 1980s. You can spend a lot of money and still be horrible. Last night, we beat KC  - Kansas City! in NEW YORK, no less! - and you'd think we won an Oscar.

Are we dead and don't know it? Hard to say.

It's May. We always stink in May. But why, dammit, why?

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

John's New Thing: The 3-1 Pitch


These days, John notices, every batter swings at the 3-1 pitch! He means, every single batter on every team!  Just once, he'd love to see a batter lay off a 3-1 pitch!

Radiotorial: Trouble in the Lowe's Broadcast Booth?


This season, "Diamond Notes"--the segment of the New York Yankees Radio Network Pregame Show devoted to headlines from around the majors and bumpered with signature jitterbug music--has been hosted not by its traditional star, Suzyn Waldman, but by the Voice of the Yankees himself, John Sterling. To say that this upheaval took place without official explanation is putting it too mildly. Indeed, it occurred so far under the radar that Suzyn is still listed as "Diamond Notes" host on the New York Yankees Radio Network Wikipedia entry!

Is "Diamond Notes" a plum so juicy that John used the power of his office to steal it away from the woman he publicly calls his "Yankees compaƱera?"

If she wasn't thus pushed, did Suzyn vacate the role freely? Does her bubbly disposition conceal some tragic injury or infirmity, physical or psychological, that will dilute her duties now and going forward?

New York Yankees Radio Network listeners deserve answers.

And we deserve them now.

I Told You All. The Truth. Early.

It is why I ran away back the dirt field league in south Mexico. This team is too old and the players are too rich. Cash man ( where the buck stops.....I know there are many failures in the organization, but they all work for him) has failed miserably in all phases of his job except over-paying: A. The Pineda trade B. The endless contract for an aging A-rod C. Mis-judging young Yankee pitchers, and consistently dealing away the good ones D. The pathetic record with respect to draft picks E. Total absence of young players, major league ready F. Failure to see that Nunez can't play a position, thus reducing his trade-value for A+ to D- G. Selecting a stalker for a mistress H. Not convincing the Hal & Hank rubes to spend some of Dad's money on real talent I have to run. The federales don't like me tapping the phone wires.

The 1982 (2012) Yankees: The Poem

Steve Balboni at the plate,
Dave Collins really swings the bat.
Juan Espino? He’ll be great!
Roy Smalley fields just like a cat!
.
This Yankee team, remember when?
Those future talents, to be found.
It’s nineteen-eighty-two again!
And Dave LaRouche is on the mound.
.
Here’s Tommy John, age thirty-nine.
And Lee Mazzilli, batting first,
Is there, by chance, a stronger wine?
I’ve grown a Bobby Meacham thirst.
.
Curt Kaufman’s warming in the pen,
Another save shall not be blown.
It’s nineteen-eighty-two again,
Now batting, catcher Rick Cerone.
.
It’s only May; we’ll start anew,
We really can’t be in such shambles.
We’ve Jeter, ARod, Swisher, too.
Not Hobsons, Dents and Oscar Gambles.
.
Alas, I feel intense new fears.
It’s twenty-twelve… or am I wrong?
If eighty-two, I need some beers,
The next Depression's twelve years long.

Yankeetorial: Without Jesus, we are the New York Zombies


Many years ago, while I lived in Indianapolis, some bastard burglarized my apartment. Beyond the initial trauma, the worst part was the drip-by-drip realizations that came for months afterward, whenever I realized something new that the asshole took. 

That’s how I feel whenever Jesus Montero hits another home run. He did the other night. He has 7 now. That roughly projects to about 25 this season. He's hitting about .280 and catching games. And I suspect he’s going to get better, not worse.

Burglarized. That's how I feel. When that deal exploded, it stole the heart from this team. We have been zombies ever since.

How can anyone put juju into a team of decomposing corpses?

We can’t. Last night, nobody came to the game, nobody fired juju into the void, and nobody played on the field. Nobody cried when the Yankees stranded runners. It’s par for the course. And there is nobody out there who’ll save this team – no rising star, no young talent soon to change the dynamics.

We’ve lost series after series to teams full of rising players, while we showed none, not one. And I fear we are going to be realizing this – drip, drip, drip - for the next four months.  

Monday, May 21, 2012

John's Takeaway Points from last night's game

1. It's an old cliche, but you're never as good as you look when you're winning, or as bad as you look when you're losing. And it's true.

2. Even the '98 Yankees went through rough patches.

3. You can't win without timely hitting. The Yankees aren't getting timely hitting.

4. Somebody is going to have to step up and get a big hit, but you can't hit a three-run homer every time you step to the plate.

5. Even the '98 Yankees went through rough patches. But these are certainly not the '98 Yankees.

6. Joe Girardi did everything right tonight in making the pitching changes. He took out Rappada and brought in Garcia to face Franceur, and it was absolutely the right move. It just didn't work.

7. Pop-ups were really hard to catch all game. Maybe it was the rain, or maybe it was the wind. But the pop-ups were hard.

8. Kansas City has a good young team.

9. These are not the best of times for the Yankees.

The Wages of Juju?


UPDATE: This post sounds more snide than I'd intended. Of course those of you who charged the mound in the bottom of the second are heroes. Thank you for your service.

Yankees celebrate "Harry Potter Invisible Cloak Night"

The first 30,000 fans receive a Harry Potter Invisibility Cloak,
courtesy of Little Debbie.

Where is everybody?

Season turns around tonight

Write this down.

National Juju Intervention.

We win tonight.  WE. WIN. TONITE.

Pass the word, link to this, tell your friends: IT IS TIME FOR A NATIONWIDE YANKEE JUJU INTERVENTION

Friends, Buddy Roemers, countrypersons... brothers and sisters... saints and sinners... huddled masses... people who watch Dancing With the Stars... Yankee fans EVERYWHERE...  YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. 

We. Have. Reached. Critical. Mass.

Tonight -- YEAH, GADAMMIT, TONIGHT! - Yankee fans across America must salvage our rapidly dying 2012 season...  We must unite to rescue the struggling Arod, Teixeira, et al, from the downward spiraling sewer-trough into which the Girardi Jurassics have plunged. TONIGHT.

TONIGHT, IT IS TIME TO TAKE OFF THE GLOVES.

IT IS TIME TO CHANGE THE YANKEE WORLD.

IT IS TIME TO CHARGE THE MOUND!

In the bottom of the 2nd inning, each self-respecting Yankee fan must rush from the farthest sections of our home directly to the TV, radio or Yankee lodestone, letting no Redsock fan, spouse, beagle or child compromise your victory tromp path, and send forth whatever juju you possess to the Yankee cause. YEAH, OPHELIA, GADAMMIT, GET THEE TO THE NUNNERY! It's time for a Yankee Juju Intervention.

PASS THE WORD! LINK TO THIS STORY! GAS UP THE SOUNDTRUCK! CALL YOUR BONDSMAN! WE ARE RUNNING OUT OF TIME!

EVERY YANKEE MAN, WOMAN AND CHILD MUST PARTICIPATE.

THIS IS A NATIONAL YANKEE EMERGENCY. NOT SURE WHAT TO DO? WATCH THIS INSTRUCTIONAL MANUAL.



TONIGHT, THE 2012 SEASON - THUS FAR, A SEASON OF YANKEE HELL - CHANGES.

TONIGHT, THE YANKEES WIN, THUUUUUUUUUH YANKEES WIN.

TONIGHT, WE SHOW THE WORLD THAT THE YANKIVERSE WILL NOT SURRENDER.

TONIGHT. WE. CHANGE. THIS. SEASON. 

"The end of time shall be marked by acts of unfathomable compassion."
- Dostoyevsky -

"The end of a season really pisses me off."
- Alphonso -

Sunday, May 20, 2012

OK, we were kidding before, but NOW we're going to start winning

The Yankees originally planned to crank it up on the exact date - May 19 - when we turned it around last year, but - well, NOW we're REALLY mad. We're going to stop fooling around. Starting NOW.


All right, that did it, Yankees tell league. NOW we'll start trying

Having reached the point in the season where last year the Yankees suddenly rallied and started playing well, the Yankees said yesterday it's time to PLA BALL.

The rest of the league has gone and done it. They have pissed us off. Well, from now on, we're going to actually try to win.

Now I know that John has a heart, because it's broken

It was cruel yesterday, waterboard-level cruel, listening to John call the ninth. It was like listening to Hal, the computer, lose his mind; you half-expected him to sing a showtne. The Master was so sure that the Yankees would mount a comeback that it seemed as though he forgot the Prime Knowlege about predicting baseball games. But he could feel it. Everyone could.

So goes this wretched season: Everybody is so sure the Yankees will mount a comeback. Fourth place i? No problem. We were here last year. Look what happened: We made the first round of the playoffs!

Yesterday, the Yankees were overmatched by that Cuban kid, Chapman, who throws 100 miles per hour. I remember when we were expected to sign him. In fact, everybody in baseball said he was ticketed to the Yankees, because that's what we did - sign the best talent whenever we could. That way, we balanced out the late draft picks we receive every year.

But we didn't sign Chapman. As we didn't sign Yu Darvish or Humanis Centepedes, or any of the stud international agents who were gathering all the ink. (I do understand that we have signed our share of prospects; we're just not going after the celebrated ones.)

George made up for his mistakes by spending hard on the players who made headlines. He always captured the back page. His sons don't like bidding wars, and maybe that's smart business.

And who knows, maybe we'll get to the first round of the playoffs, too.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

And a child shall lead them...

Andy Pettitte: The Rap

video

Curt Schilling has turned Rhode Island red

Another History Channel mystery solved. (Note: Best proposed tag line ever for the History Channel, as usual, comes from South Park: "The History Channel: Where the Truth is History.") I always figured Curtis Montague Schilling's famed "bloody" sock - (never analyzed for DNA) - came via Heinz, Sherwin Williams or some unlucky chicken. Turns out, the good taxpayers of Rhode Island - who loaned the iconic Redsock, hard-right, pro-Bush, conservative gasbag $75 million for his video game company - now know it was red ink.

The grim news surrounding Kingdoms of Amalur developer 38 Studios continues to mount, as new reports indicate that the Rhode Island-based company was unable to pay its employees this week. Over the past several days, the studio has been in talks with Rhode Island officials to discuss its serious financial woes, and today a spokesperson for the Rhode Island Economic Development Corporation confirmed that 38 Studios has missed its most recent payroll.
.
Meanwhile, Rhode Island Governor Lincoln Chafee said that 38 Studios is in the process of fulfilling the overdue $1.125 million loan payment it
missed earlier this month. This news comes just a day after 38 Studios head Curt Schilling met with state officials asking for more funding for the company.
.
OK. Contrary to pop opinion, I don't hate Curtis Montague Schilling. The fact that he loathes the Yankees, Yankee fans, New York, NYC, Democrats and humanity - and that he left the 2004 Redsock glee-fest to help re-elect the peace-and-prosperity Prez, George W. Bush - coupled with his work for U.S. Sen. Scott Brown, whose victory is probably the biggest single reason why Obamacare has a personal mandate instead of a public option, and thus will be scuttled by the Supreme Court, leaving 70 million Americans without health insurance during the longest recession in history - nope, the fact that this pompous, purely evil, french fry-faced golfer embodies all these things - it don't bother me a freakin' whit. What gripes my britches is how bigwig Conservatives oppose government spending except for when it lines their milky pockets.

Well, he'll pay it off. He has friends. Beantown Conservatives have always wanted him to run for Senate. Some Koch will pay the tab, like Clear Channel's Tom Hicks did with George W., so that Curt can ditch the private sector and return to what he does best - remembering 2004 and shouting holier-than-thou platitudes at godless Yankee fans. God speed thou, Ketsup Man. And good luck, Rhode Island. (But didn't you people wonder why Massachusetts let the guy walk?)

Friday, May 18, 2012

I Didn't Know This

Melky Cabrera has his own personal pep squad, The Melkmen.





Revamped signature calls for John Sterling, reflecting the current Yankee reality

Arod swings, and hits a drive... BASE HIT! It’s an A-bloop... from A-Rod! Alexander the Great singles again!
.
Thuuuuuh pitch, hard ground ball into right. Audino has it. Over to first. IN time. Another blast into the overshift, exactly where the defense had him played. It’s a Vexed Message! O, you’re on their chart, Teixeira!
.
Swing and a grounder to third. Over to first. IN time. And Martin really got down that line. Russell shows hustle!
.
Tyings runs on second and third. Thuuuuh pitch. Swings... grounder to short. Over to first. IN time. And once again, the Yankees strand the runners. It was close, though. Because the Grandy ran, oooo, the Grandy man ran! Curtis, you're something sort of strandish!
.
The pitch... bouncer back to the mound. On to second, over to first - DOUBLE PLAY. It's a squibbie for Robbie! A-Robbie Cano, doncha beat that throw!

Star Ledger, NY Post draw first blood in H-word race