Saturday, February 28, 2015
While taking grounders at firstbase, it meant A-Rod was not fielding them at thirdbase, because of one of the fundamental laws of physics, which says that an object cannot be in two places at once. For that reason, A-Rod's move to first base was especially apparent to onlookers, many of whom were heard to be yelling, "Look! A-Rod is taking grounders at firstbase." As they yelled, they pointed to firstbase. If A-Rod had been playing at thirdbase, this would not have happened.
(Note to editor: Insert 12-inch B copy block of A-Rod history here.)
Fans say A-Rod looked "interesting but slightly out of position" at firstbase.
"Normally, he's at third base," said a fan, who asked not to be named. "But he was taking grounders at firstbase. That's interesting, but slightly out of position."
Several sources said the top Yankee brass are infuriated by A-Rod's decision to take balls at first, because it shows he craves nothing more than constant gratification. "For him to be playing first base now, that it the definition of self-love," said a source, who asked not to be named. "A-Rod is human garbage and universally loathed by teammates and fans alike. And you may quote me."
A-Rod, who is human garbage and universally loathed by players and fans alike, did not comment.
Stay tuned for more updates as they happen on the A-Rod News Network.
UPDATE BREAKING: A-Rod seen jogging in outfield. MORE TO COME.
Friday, February 27, 2015
My favorite episode is the one where, due to a transporter malfunction, Kirk is thrown into the Evil Alt-Universe and meets Evil Bearded Spock, who - amazingly - isn't that much different from our Spock (who like the Yankees, has a code against facial hair.) In the end, the Evil Bearded Spock helps Kirk, because he comes to agree that his Evil Empire is illogical.
This inspires my own fantasy: Hal Steinbrenner enters an elevator with Derek Jeter during an electrical storm. Lightning hits the building. When the door opens, Jeter has a beard and owns the Yankees, and Hal is a retired ballplayer.
As the writers trowel out drivel, the Yankee season already feels lost inside an overwhelming sense of gloom
Yesterday, the Gammonites churned out reams of solid gold drivel, pumping it out by the paragraph. By the end of the day, their inch counts had to approach 40. That's a week's worth of drivel in smaller markets. They wrote drivel about their anticipation over CC Sabathia's weight gain, as if they didn't recall last year's weight loss. They produced drivel over Mark Teixeira's new protein diet, without noting that if he loses a few more pounds, he'll reach his batting average from last year: .216.
And they rewrote the same A-Rod drivel over and over. How many times can they rerun the same empty paragraphs, the same overcooked outrage, the same tiresome snark, as if it's new?
I'm sorry, folks. I cannot read it.
None of it matters.
It's not even March 1, but the air has already been sucked out of the 2015 Yankee season. When I see another happy blather about the big year in store for some 36 year old pitcher, I want to scream, "YOU'RE MISSING THE ICEBERG!" And the iceberg is the Prince of Pennies, Yankee owner Hal Steinbrenner - a child who came naked into this world with more money than only a handful of people will ever know - who just allowed the best free agent prospect in baseball to sign with Boston... BOSTON. He did this over the advice of his most knowledgeable experts. He did this over the interests of his own organization. Prince Hal did it to save a few dollars, which - in the overall balance sheet - he will never notice. It's just a number on a piece of paper.
The last time I felt this sick about the Yankees, Hal's father had just traded Al Leiter to Toronto for a handful of magic beans in the form of Jesse Barfield. From the moment Barfield's name was announced, I wanted to barf. We had given up a great young prospect for a guy the Blue Jays - at the time, the smartest front office in baseball - realized was over the hill. Barfield was a bust, and the Blue Jays ate our lunch for the next four years.
Folks, the iceberg is this: The Yankees are owned by a self-deluding fool who takes advice only when it conforms to his opinion. Consider the bad decisions the Yankees have made in recent years - each one smeared with Prince Hal's greasy fingerprints.
1. Sign A-Rod to a 10-year deal. (The Yankees now scream about it, as if they were forced at gunpoint. But they happily did the deal.)
2. Announce austerity plan to shrink payroll to $187 million and, thus, avoid luxury taxes.
3. Let Russell Martin walk to Pittsburgh, because we wouldn't give him a measly 2-year contract.
4. Trash the plan to reach the $187 million payroll, by absorbing bloated salaries of over-the-hill veterans. The austerity was all for nothing.
5. Give AJ Burnett to Pittsburgh. (Consider this: Of the big three signees of 2009 - Burnett, CC and Tex - we gave away the only one who had productive seasons left.)
6. Sign Ichiro to a two-year deal, with no room in the outfield for him.
7. Beltran for three years.
8. Ellsbury for seven years.
9. McCann for five years... all after we supposedly were going to nix long-term bloated deals.
10. Starting a season with four DHs and nobody to play 3B and 2B. (We ended up with Yangervis Solarte and Brian Roberts; neither made it to Aug. 1.)
11. Constantly thinking old-timers (Vernon Wells, Travis Halfner, Andruw Jones, Alfonso Soriano) will suddenly return to form; letting them kill the season from the center of the batting order.
12. Letting a talent like Moncada go to Boston... BOSTON!
I want to barf. For the next 15 years, this guy could be killing us. Not only that, but we've given him an impetus to always play harder against New York. It was Prince Hal himself who lorded over Moncada's third Yankee workout, and then ruled against spending the extra money - piddling coins, as far as the Prince of Pennies was concerned. But he couldn't be bothered to dig deeper.
Now, we're supposed to get excited about Teixeira's diet?
I'm sorry. I'm not buying it. The Prince of Pennies just traded Al Leiter for Jesse Barfield. Iceberg dead ahead. Somebody, please... stop the music. It's time to man the lifeboats.
Thursday, February 26, 2015
I hope you're happy now, Yankiverse. Because Hal Steinbrenner is LIVID. And he has a right to be... thanks to you!
After all he's done - all the money he's spent, all the owning he's done, all the time and effort he's taken, out of his own personal schedule - now, to have ungrateful fans, people who should be thanking him, complaining that his team sucks... why... dammit, he's livid... LIVID! He could scream. He should scream. "GAHHHHHHHHHHHH." That was him.
NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE, YANKIVERSE. YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED.
Most of all, Hal is tired of hearing everybody say he's cheap. SICK AND TIRED of it! Because nothing could be further from the truth. He is the most lavish and loving owner on this planet, and HOW DARE PEOPLE SAY HE IS CHEAP. HOW DARE YOU!
So... AS OF NOW... the smart-mouthing needs to stop!
AND I AM TALKING TO YOU, EVERYBODY.
No more anti-Hal hissy fits will be tolerated. It's time for Yankee fans, sportscasters, writers, bloggers, commentors and people on the street to stop their twittering and their trash talking, and get on the 2015 Victory Bus. Otherwise, it will pull out of the station... without you.
There are exciting players on this Yankee ballclub. Chase Headley! He used to be pretty darn good. The Padres ruined him. A bunch of teams wanted him. Now, he'll blossom. Chris Capuano! Stephen Drew! The outfielder who came from the Mets last year and hit three home runs in three days! These guys don't come cheap. Players just don't rise up out of the ground, like on a farm. You have to go onto the free agent market and get them.
And then, after all that hard work... to hear complaints... from ingrates...
OK, we didn't get Moncada. We didn't want him. We don't need him. Five years from now, Boston will be stuck with a switch-hitting infielder who STILL hasn't peaked. Meanwhile, Headley will not even be 40! Who will be laughing then?
Why shell out for a guy who hasn't done anything yet, when you can buy a guy who did a lot, a few years ago?
Oh, and for the last time, everybody, Hal is NOT selling. In fact, just because so many mockers out there want him to sell, he's SUPER-NOT-SELLING. Before this, he wasn't going to sell, but now, forget it. He WILL SUPER-DOUBLE-NEVER SELL.
AND NO CUBAN PLAYERS, EITHER. How do you like that, you ungrateful nobodies! Maybe if the Yankees finish out of playoffs for a few years, you'll see how lucky you've had it. Maybe it's time to get a glimpse of how bad things could be if Hal wasn't running the team. The Yankees don't need you. How many tickets do you buy? Not as many as Hal. What are you doing for the team? What are you doing for anybody? Nothing, that's what. You're a drunk. You're a whiner. You're a total loser. Go follow the Nets. The
WHAT? YOU'RE STILL HERE?
GO, SHOO... SHOO, SHOO, SHOO! A certain Somebody has far more important things to do than listen to you. He's doing the hard work. He's owning.
It's based on Pete Carroll's Seattle Seahawks' model for first and goal from the one.
Here's a story on how Mark Teixeira plans to beat defensive over-shifts in 2015: He'll simply swing harder and hit more HRs and doubles.
Missing in the story: The fact that Tex last year hit .216.
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
I'm tired of hearing how Hal is "the smart brother." It's time to look at the record and the state of the team, and consider the possibility that he is a weak-minded fool.
Clearly, Ichiro and Girardi didn't see the same world. From Kernan's story:
There were other moves like the time Austin Romine, batting .138, replaced Ichiro in the order late in a game the Yankees were losing by one run, even though Ichiro was the Yankees hottest hitter at the time and had three hits in the game — including a home run his previous at-bat. But Ichiro moved on, saying at the time, “As a player you just have to accept it.’’
Well, world, relax! Because yesterday, fans got a glimpse of the future, when young Chase Headley - up from the (cough) league last year - took grounders at third alongside the outgoing superstar.
Not since Joltin' Joe DiMaggio posed with a cherubic Mickey Mantle has a generational shift in Pinstripes stardom been so visibly on display. Headley - only (cough) years old - is part of the Pinstriped youth movement, which includes Stephen Drew, Chris Young and fire-balling Chris Capuano.
With the "Class of '15" arriving, the future looks as bright as a supernova - wait a minute, make that an Ivan "Super" Nova!
Keep watching YES DRIVEL CHANNEL for further updates. And spring is time to renew the freshness of your authentic Yankee Stadium dirt. Time and cigarette smoke can rob your soil of the nutrients it needs to keep its luxurious - and historically significant - brown glow. Renew your Yankee humus now at discount prices, so that when friends and family stop by to watch the game, the dirt on your wall will maintain its smooth and earthy goodness. Remember: The Yankees stop at nothing to renew their lineup, and you need to yourself freshly soiled. Yankee Stadium dirt... It's not just hardball, it's hardpan!
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
Buffalo's lead, which it has held since early December, is over. Think of it this way:
Seabiscuit just sprinted into first, and the finish line may be far away - but it's in sight.
Horrible jokes aside, it was a strategy for the long haul, and we all cheered. The Yankees were investing in youth - the youngest of the young. Most of the signees will turn out to be the next Wily Mo Pena or Ricardo Aramboles - (adios, Yanqui suckahs) - but who knows... we might land the next Miguel Cabrera.
The Redsocks will pay $30 million in luxury taxes for Moncada: Maybe Hal just earned himself some FREE MONEY!
Thirty teams = $30 million dollars... yes, a mill per team... in FREE REDSOCK LUXURY TAX MONEY.
Boston's signing of Yoan Moncada is the latest monster windfall for Major League Baseball, the 1 percent's most beloved taxation system on the planet. Where else do billionaires so happily experience the benefits of free-sharing socialism? Where else do the wealthiest of the wealthy take so much joy in the establishment of 100 percent luxury taxes? And isn't MLB the most efficient money-gouging machine that ever existed? Bernie Madoff was an amateur.
(Question: Why can't we have the same model in American politics? Let the Koch brothers spend as much as they want to buy their candidates, but when a billionaire goes over a certain cap number, let him pay a "luxury tax" to the other owners.)
Thanks to Yoan Moncada, the Redsocks will pay $30 million in luxury taxes. What a sugary nipple for new MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred. That's his first boathouse. Also, it more than fills Bud Selig's $6 million per year retirement loot bag. Let's say MLB siphons off half the money - $15 million - just for rubber-stamping the papers. Another half-million will go toward booze, food and "adult entertainment" at the owners' Booty Pinata Party.
That's how I hear they divvy up the money. They fill a big booty pinata with $1,000 bearer bonds. It's the only way to get $14.5 million to fit. They invite all the owners. Everybody eats cake and gets his face painted (a sexual metaphor, BTW.) The small market owners get to put on the blindfold and swing first at the pinata. Also, the worst team owners get to sit closest, so when somebody finally breaks it open, they can grab the most loot.
Everybody gets some. Along with a belly full of cake, I bet Hal goes home with a couple hundred thousand dollars - and it's all because he just said no to Moncada.
It's fun - getting FREE REDSOCK MONEY... because you didn't spend your own money.
It's like getting money from the government for not growing beets. What a great country, if you own it. The Yankees never need to sign anybody, ever. Between luxury tax money - and continued sale of dirt from the old Yankee Stadium - the Steinbrenners will be in clover forever. Soccer, anyone?
Monday, February 23, 2015
Major League Baseball finally did it: It has destroyed the once dominant franchise known as the New York Yankees
For 50 years, you envied the NFL on key element:
Pro football had no Yankees.
If only you could destroy the one franchise that dominated all others, make all the teams equal, then you could maximize profits. Your plan was so tight, so clean, so perfect: Apply Ayn Rand capitalism to the revenue side, and assign the expenses to socialism. No limits to taking in money... just cap your expenditures! Damn. It's brilliant! You never called it collusion. You never even called it a payroll cap. You just pulled it off!
In American politics, there is no limit to how much money a billionaire can spend to buy a candidate. But in baseball, there is a distinct limit on how much he can spend to buy a player. BRILLIANT! YOU DID IT!
Of course, you had to wait until that last old bugger, George Steinbrenner, died, and his sons took over. The first one, Hank, landed too close to the tree. Fortunately, he liked horses more than baseball. You ditched him and groomed Hal, the "business-minded" one. And Hal agreed that towing the line on spending is more important than maintaining a winning Yankee tradition. Because - well - he's "business-minded."
Moreover, you managed to create a new subset of Yankee fan: He roots not just for the Yankees to win, but for the owner to be fiscally prudent. Keep in mind, the owner is a billionaire. Also keep in mind, this is Yankee fandom, a fantasy world that was once the last escape from things like utility bills and mortgage payments. When you watch a movie, are you supposed to square it with how much they spend to produce it? Growing up, I never gave a damn how much Mickey Mantle got paid. I just loved him. Now, though, I'd have to suck in my gut and watch him fly to Los Angeles, because - hey - the Yankees wouldn't want to get stuck holding the bag on his contract, not with those knees!
Speaking of contracts, hasn't Alex Rodriguez been worth every penny to Hal? Last year, he saved Hal $240 million on Robbie Cano. This week, he saved him $60 million on Yoan Moncada. All Hal needs to do is point to A-Rod and say, "I can't afford anybody else, all because of HIM."
In fact, it's perfect: Today, the sportswriters are covering A-Rod's farts, rather than the Yankees' punt on Moncada. A-Rod is God's gift to Hal Steinbrenner.
Today, across the Yankiverse, we've come to behold the new mindset: The fan who says, in essence, "Yoan Moncada might be great, but the Yankees would overpay. Boston is paying too much, ha ha!"
On the River Ave site - which is owned by YES - this strain - I'm calling it the "KC Yankees fan," in honor of that loyal, fiscally prudent Midwestern tribe - the pro-Hal fans are arguing on behalf of this penny-pinching billionaire. (I should note that 98 out of 100 fans are enraged by what's happened, though.)
if he does great then he's worth it, but would he be a bargain? I'm not sure being "worth it" is the same as being a "bargain." And it seems to me, that if you take on the huge risk of the huge up-front bonus, then if all goes well you should have a "bargain", not just someone who's "worth it." Perhaps my thinking is wrong and the $100M makes him a "bargain" but I doubt it. It's totally a financial decision, but I'm ok with a financial decision if they believe the reward just isn't worth the risk.
While you're chewing on that, here's something from "BigDan"
think you have to start to wonder now how much money the Yanks really have to spend on baseball. I always thought George ran the team at a loss and made up for it in franchise value. I don't think Hal can do that. He may have demands on the Yankee income stream that we know nothing about.
Obviously, as fans, we should respect all the hard work that goes into owning the Yankees, right?
Since when should we, as fans, care whether the Yankee owner makes money? The Steinbrenners have more money than we can count. They have more money than they can count. If finances get low, they shake a can, and they bleed the taxpayers. Why are we even having a discussion over whether the Yankees can afford to pay $27 million for Yoan Moncada... but they couldn't go to $30 million?
The Redsocks owner wants to win more than the Yankee owner. It's that simple. And sadly to say, he is also smarter than the Yankee owner.
It's over, folks. The swagger, the sense of hope, the feeling that the Yankees are the best pro sports franchise in America... that feeling we grew up with... it died today.
We were outbid by our rivals, because the mighty Yankees preferred to keep the change.
Well... cheer up. Here is how the Yankees will rise again:
They must come in dead last. That way, they can draft high. The sooner the better. They will probably have to finish at the bottom for several years. We will be good for a couple years, and then we'll go back to being bad... so that we can get good again.
Excited? I have only two words left, and I am going to be shouting them for as long as it takes.
REGIME CHANGE. REGIME CHANGE.
REGIME CHANGE. REGIME CHANGE.
REGIME CHANGE. REGIME CHANGE.
REGIME CHANGE. REGIME CHANGE.
I am still recovering from the nausea created by the Elton John " after party," so what I fashion here may be a bit wobbly. And because I have ony an I-pad, I can't use visuals.
The simple truth is: times have changed.
The Yankees remain the Yankees in name and design only. History, tradition, and an endless striving for success lie floating in the Harlem River. We are now no different than the Royals, the Astros or any other non-competitive franchise. Going no where. Making endless changes of no meaning or impact.
Baseball glory is dead to the Bronx now. Our team is laughable and will remain so.
Let's start the pool at 60 wins. Anyone who wants to bet on 90 can have it for a car wash.
We are going to eat it ( on a shingle), and only empty rhetoric from the GM and manager will bark noise to the contrary.
The Yankee glory is only in history, not in the present or future. Things do change. And when George died, what we had died with him. The change we experienced was from a verdant, life re-affirming countryside, to a desert. To a smoking garbage dump. Something in that range.
Can anyone list any reason(s) to remain a Yankee fan? Any reason other than, " I am one and always have been one?"
Twuz the night before Moncada, and all through the house, not one lone Nascar driver was beating his spouse...
Hoping Sandoval shows weighing less than a truck...
The Yankees were nestled with hope for the spring,
That Masahiro Tanaka wouldn't blow out his wing,
And Cash, to his A-Rod doll, took pins and stuck it,
When the royal Prince Hal raised a hand and yelled "FUCK IT!"
"Screw Didi, screw Gardner, screw Headley and Beltran,
"Ellsbury, Teixeira and that Brian McCann, man.
"Screw C.C., screw Didi, and screw Stephen Drew,
"And mostly, I say screw old A-(You Know Who!)
"We're the worst of the worst in the weak AL East,
"I say, let's cut our losses and pay out the least!"
Then a thought sprang from his medulla oblongata,
And he let go to Boston young Yoan Moncata.
And I heard Hal exclaim, it was almost a gloat,
"We might come in dead last, but I'll buy a new boat."
He's 33, with a lifetime record of 18-19.
All winter, I thought they were actually playing it cool. I thought they were standing back and letting the big free agents go elsewhere, so they could swoop in and sign Yoan Moncada, the 19-year-old Cuban phenom.
I actually thought they had a plan, beyond saving their billionaire owner a few more dimes.
Wow. Wrong, wrong, wrong...
What got into me? Stupid hope, I guess.
It won't happen again.
Remember three years ago, when Shallow Pockets Hal announced his "get tough" initiative to reduce the payroll to $187 million, so the Yankees could escape those oppressive new luxury taxes? Back then, it seemed like he had a plan. What a joke. As soon as the team went south, Hal started firing money at it - trying to fix problems that directly stemmed from his poor-mouthing policy over the winter. He pulled an amazing double-bank shot of mediocrity: He scrapped the $187 million plan AND fielded a crappy team!
Folks, this is Knicks-level incompetence.
This is what you'd get if you combined Rich Kotite DNA with Isaiah Thomas, and sprinkle in a little George W. Bush, on the inheritance side. Usually, things like this only happen in North Korea. It's the kind of mediocrity that lasts a long time.
In fact, we may well be ceding the first two decades of this century to the Boston Redsocks. By the time Hal Steinbrenner is done looting this franchise - selling it off like the dirt in the old stadium - the notion of Yankee dominance may be a generational hiccup, remembered only by Baby Boomers.
This morning, we are not only anticipating a horrible 2015 season - we have reason to expect a rotten next five to ten years. I don't know if I will even outlive this boob's incompetence.
Wow. I was wrong. All this winter, I worried that I was being unfair in my criticism of Hal Steinbrenner. Today, the billionaire has saved more of his precious, hard-inherited money. Wow. He let the guy go to Boston. I sure didn't see that coming.
Today, we whiffed on Yoan Moncada.
Last year, in slow motion, the Redsocks did everything smartly. And we - excruciatingly - continued to collapse.
Now, they have not only signed two of the best free agents (Sandoval and Ramirez - without surrendering a top draft pick), but they have added two of the best new Cuban stars (Castillo and Moncada), and their farm system is crackling with young players - far more productive than ours, (which has been dead now for nearly five years.) Boston is in a position to dominate the AL East not only in 2015, but for the next five to 10 years.
We just let a premier young talent go to our chief rival.
But we will surely lead in executive bonuses. After all, look at all the money we saved!
1) Stephen Hawking suffers from Lou Gehrig's disease.
2) "Birdman" could easily refer to Mark "Big Bird" Fidrych, who made his mark beating the Yankees.
3) Julianne Moore's winning character, "Still Alice," isn't the only person who won't remember the 2014 Yankee team.
4) "The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance." There has be something in there, somewhere, relating to the idea that Carlos Beltran is going make a comeback.
Let's hope the physicists and comic book writers are right about alternative universes:
In a more enjoyable Yankee Matrix, last night, Jack Nicholson won an Oscar. During his emotional acceptance speech, he demanded that the Yankees sign Yoan Moncada.
The presenter, Richard Gere, added that he hoped the world would hear Nicholson's plea, and host Adam Sandler then asked the audience to stand in solidarity. At that point, Ben Affleck was physically "escorted" from the arena - a few broken ribs, he'll be fine - and then Lady Gaga - diverting from her planned presentation - defiantly sang the Yankee theme song.
Somehow, we have become lodged in the wrong Yankee Matrix.
Why not? Once you get past CC, Pineda and Tanaka, you're looking at the entire population of Delaware. Each of the "Big Three" is a ticking time bomb. Then it's Adam Warren, Bryan Mitchell, Chris Capuano, Esmil Rogers, Scott Baker, Chase Whitley - you there, in the yellow shirt - come on down! We can have a 10-man rotation. Where the hell is Chris Bootcheck?
Can Didi Gregorious replace Derek Jeter?
Of course. Jeter wasn't that good last year. The operative phase for 2015 - though it will be whispered - will be, "That's a ball Jeter wouldn't have gotten to." But Didi will never be Captain. He will never replace Jeter in our minds or hearts. And nobody else will, either.
Is CC going to have a comeback year?
Yes. Until he gets hurt.
Is Tanaka going to have a comeback year?
Yes. Until he gets hurt.
Is Pineda going-
Yes. Until he-
Wait a minute. You're just blowing crap. Is everybody going to have a comeback year, until they get hurt?
Yes. Unless they suck from the get-go, the way Alphonso Soriano did last year. Then it will be a blessing if they get hurt.
What about Eovaldi? Can Larry Rothschild turn him into a pitcher?
Maybe. But it depends far more on Eovaldi than it does Rothschild. The notion that super coaches can salvage players... I dunno about that. Remember how Kevin Long was supposed to be "the Grandyman Whisperer?" We spent years touting Long as the best hitting coach in baseball. Then we canned him. The Yankees are basically trying to sell us on the idea that other franchises are stupid.
What will A-Rod do?
Not enough. Whatever he does, in the minds of most people, it won't be enough. My biggest fear is that he returns to full form - hitting the hell out of the ball - only to find that the defensive over-shift knocks 30 points off his batting average - as it did Tex and McCann last year. A-Rod hasn't yet played in the new over-shift era.
Will anybody rise from our farm system?
Yes. Some Preston Claiborne, or Chase Whitley or Shane Greene will pop up out of nowhere and help the Yankees. The trouble is, it won't necessarily be the ones on those trumped up Top 10 prospect lists. They are always skewed toward Single A players, whose potential is always supreme.
What should we expect from the Yankees?
Same as always. They will go the distance. No matter how dire things look, come July, management will absorb salary dumps, trade "marginal" prospects - that's how they always describe them, when they're gone - and desperately inject over-the-hill talent, hoping to extend the Wild Card race into September. Maybe they will succeed. Who knows? It's a lifetime away.
Sunday, February 22, 2015
As far as I can tell, not one major Oscar nominee is a well known Yankee fan - a la Jack Nicholson, Denzel Washington, Adam Sandler, Billy Crystal, Alec Baldwin, Richard Gere...
When things get cold, they get really cold.
Traditionally, we've known that - at least 17 times per game, not counting pitching changes - when a third-out is recorded, you have 2 minutes and 45 seconds of free-range jazzercize. For me, that means:
Get up from the couch. Put popcorn in the microwave. Take a nice, leisurely crap, while reading the long piece article in the New Yorker. Change the furnace filter. Get out the binoculars and see what the neighbors are doing. Crack a new beer, check a porn site, get your popcorn and flop back onto Mr. Couch.
Best part: You still had two minutes of down time, while the Fox or ESPN velvet voice pumps up some upcoming, World Celebrity Breast Jousting competition, or a can't-miss episode of "Turd Demons." You never missed a pitch. Bernie hadn't even walked to the batters box. You still had time to jack up the lift and change the oil on your Subaru (That's a sexual metaphor, FYI.)
The new rules say each inning-ending break will strictly adhere to the 2:45 limit. (This is for nationally televised games; local broadcasts allow for 2:25 minute breaks.) As soon as the commercials end, the pitcher should be ready to throw. They're going to be moving things along, like one of those hilarious old Benny Hill speed-up sketches, done to the tune of "Yakkity Sax."
One question, though? What will happen to all those promotions for "Becky Beal: Pole Dance Lawyer?" ("By day, she seeks justice. By night, she's a lawyer.") How will the Yankees sell tickets for Jorge Day, or Andy Day, or Willie Day, or Bernie Day, during the dog days?
Well, we know what's going to happen. The commissioner didn't say anything about cutting back on ads. He just wants them more efficiently crammed into the game action.
In other words, MLB games next year could be turned into a nonstop stream of cooing about Cellino and Barnes, New York Life and the Hebrew Home at Riverside... which I've heard is like a college campus. Whenever something happens on the field, it'll trigger a promotion - somebody will "paint the corners" or be "safe and secure' - like on the Yankee Radio Network Driven By Jeep.
We all want games to move faster. It would be nice to improve the product, too.
Frankly, I have evolved into my own way of watching Yankee games. I ignore the third through seventh innings. I watch the first two, then return in the eighth. If it's close, I'll pick it up from there. If it's not, I spared myself the humiliation of wasting a night.
Here's an idea, Mr. Manfred. man: Show some stones. Tell teams and networks to cut back on in-game ads. (Oh, and speeding of ads, how did we get to a world where cable TV can sell hard liquor and vapor cigarettes? What esteemed lawmakers grew rich in exchange for turning over the airways to the distilleries and tobacco makers, and when should we expect to see guns advertised, as well? I grew up in a world were TV wasn't allowed to sell whiskey and cigs. I thought that was a good thing. What happened? And why was there no national debate?)
What's going to happen to all those promotions that used to run after the cut from commercial? Aw... does anyone really need to ask?
Oh, well. At least it'll be fun hearing Joe Buck wax on about the Hebrew Home at Riverside. I bet he's been there!
Saturday, February 21, 2015
"They can dream of becoming the Royals." Humiliating, depressing quotes about the Yankees from the opening of camp
|I'm sticking with Cusack|
until the first juju intervention.
It's possible, that will come
during spring training.
Instead, the news reads likes a rant Alphonso would dictate at 3 a.m. in an Ambien haze.
Pitchers and catchers are reporting, and the Yankees - once the pride of New York City - are being greeted like that TV show where the guy gets eaten by the anaconda. Last August, they groped, traded prospects and absorbed payroll dumps - and still couldn't make the final, away-game Wild Card slot. Now... they're bringing back the same sorry cast for an encore presentation -with weekly induction pageants into the Yankee Hall of Fame. The way the Yankees have sucked hope from this pre-season - it's like Hal Steinbrenner's ultimate sick piece of performance art.
Some quotes from today's write-ups.
From the NY Times:
The Daily News
Oddsmakers don’t like the Yankees’ chances this year, with some projecting the Bombers to finish fourth in the AL East.
The NY Post
This will be the third straight spring — and possibly season — in which a dubious Yankees on-field product is overshadowed. The past two years it was by the glorious exits of Mariano Rivera and Derek Jeter. Now, it is the hissing re-entry of A-Rod.
During his state of the Yankees address Friday, Joe Girardi was asked if his team was an
underdog this year. Girardi didn't really answer the question, instead using some
mumbo-jumbo about how he likes his players and is excited to get to work.
But when talking about his club for more than half an hour, Girardi sounded like a
manager who knows he must squeeze every bit of ability out of an aging roster packed
with question marks and "ifs."
In the center of all this, of course, is A-Rod, with whom we share a set of aging internal organs. Many of the Yankee beat writers have, already, permanently savaged him in print. At this point, it's absurd to imagine them in mid-May asking him about a key strike-out or a booted ground ball - without invoking open hostility. It'll be like paparazzi shouting questions at Bruce Jenner. Eventually, he will snap. The Yankee front office will be shocked - shocked! They will suspend him. They will receive accolades in the press for ridding the game of steroids... as they prepare to retire Andy Pettitte's jersey.
At best, if we make it through camp and look like the Kansas City Royals, we're still going to get eaten by that anaconda. It's going to be a long year.
Friday, February 20, 2015
Buffalo's early-season lead is now barely the size of a Hershey Bar.
As for Albany? Cuomo should be fired, and the city should be dropped from competition. Let Watertown have a shot, and we could be watching the beginnings of a new dynasty.
New definition for "Eternity?" Long after life on Earth ends, Tom Coughlin will still be coach of the New York Giants
What? You thought he was just Coach for Life?
[I]f the price tag is as high as some people believe, the Yankees likely will pass on the 19-year-old, switch-hitting second baseman from Cuba.
In other words, "Adios, Fidel. Hola, Stephen Drew!"
All you need to see is the phrase "wary of price tag," and you know where this auction is headed.
There's always a chance that the Yankees are publicly low-balling Moncada, planning to swoop in and dazzle him with a final offer. But we've seen this movie again and again, since Hal Steinbrenner inherited the team: Young Hal wants to be a good owner, beloved by his Viagra-popping peers. And that means not going overboard in pursuit of young talent, like Moncada. Let the Dodgers and Redsocks sign the 19-year-olds. The Yankees will sink their money into proven talent, like 39-year-old Carlos Beltran, and - in essence - provide the retirement benefits that small market teams avoid... because they are "wary of the price tag."
We've seen this movie before. Once the Yankees blink on a free agent, it's all over but the rattling of the cup and the pulling out of the pockets. The Yankees - which generate more revenues than any other team in baseball, if not American professional sports - want to be the Frugal Empire. They want to - as the captains of industry tell us - "do more with less!" They're cutting back as a favor to us, the fans, so we can burst with pride over our team's bottom line. We're not the best team! We're not even a good team! But the Yankees are the most profitable team in baseball! Check out that credit rating!
Next year, how about awarding plaques in Monument Park to Hal, Randy Levine ("Esq," it says next to his name), Lonn A. Trost ("Esq.") and - of course - Brian Cashman! (What's with the Esq. It's like they've got a role-play game going: You can call me "Captain," and I'll call you "Admiral!") They can retire each man's suit coat, with a special 7-foot-high bronze statue of Levine's hair. By then, Moncada will probably be in the Major Leagues - (Everyone, altogether: Dear God, don't let him sign with Boston...) - and the Yankee YES men can be assuring us that a new crop of youngsters down in Charleston and Staten Island should "make for an interesting season in Trenton."
Insert sigh here.
Listen... I apologize for my hopeless tones lately. Usually, around now, I'm starting to get revved for the season. And I'm seeing some hope - in the Refsnyders and Betances and maybe even Nathan Evaldi - (if Larry Rothschild can be "The Evaldi Whisperer.") But all winter, I've stared into the abyss and told myself the Yankees were only being cheap on the other free agents because they planned to go big on the future - and vision that included Moncada in pinstripes. Looks like I was wrong. No... I was half wrong. I got one part right: They were being "wary of the price tag." That's another phrase for "cheap."