If only life could imitate last night...
Hitless through seven. Down by five in the eighth. Facing an all-star closer. With Giancarlo's first career pinch-hit homer. A huge hit by the suddenly revived Austin Wells. An acrobatic, game-winning, Ichiro-style slide by Anthony Volpe. A video replay that, for once, goes our way. A walk-off by the captain, and a postgame shower of ice water.
Listenup, people. Quiet in the back.
If we are going to spit flaming chunks of bile after every unforgivable Yankee defeat - (which, spoiler alert: is exactly what we will do) - then we owe it to ourselves to enjoy the Calgon Bath Oil Beads beauty bath that was delivered last night (at least in our memories) by the strangely hot, tightly-clothed lady who years ago on TV commercials became the human face of diarrhea and - if you remember - was a briefly beloved icon of IT IS HIGH hope. I give you... The Angry Bowel Lady.
It's been a long time since she went away - and I hope your symptoms went with her - but last night's win conjured memories of the good old days, when our heroine proudly wove her spell of Spandex against the explosions of feces that enflamed us.
In fact, last night's great Yankee victory was tempered by the news that bikini gymnast Livvy Dunne had been rejected in her bid to buy a Manhattan condo formerly owned by Babe Ruth, proving once and for all that rich people have glass tubes in their crotches and secretly hate everything that is young. (Which is, in a convoluted way, why the Yankees are what they are.)
Save your bile, everyone. We'll need it. But last night might have brought the greatest single moment for the 2025 Yankees. A magnificent Yankee win. Savor it. And chin up, Livvy. If the Angry Bowel lady could make it, there's a place for anyone.
Wasn't it the IBS Lady? Does it matter? We all want her to be our friend. Who would you rather have in your bathroom, her or Hal? As for the Yankees....
ReplyDeleteCashman would rather have Hal in the bathroom.
DeleteAlso - we all want to know where the old posts are. This is getting weird...
ReplyDelete⁄‹ they are likely being reviewed by a secret order of appointed authorities to determine whether anything needs to be determined in secret and then acted upon for the greater good of all that is sacred Ô
DeleteICE
DeleteThey exist in a parallel reality, accessible only by clicking the magic "Older Posts" link. Alternatively, you can learn the meditation trick used by the Japanese official in The Man in the High Tower to access life in the postwar America where the Allies won.
ReplyDeleteI'm watching the game now and it just got to the bottom of the eighth. This will be fun.
The only way to retrieve them is for Superman to use his super-speed to break the time barrier and bring them back.
DeleteFrom X:
ReplyDeleteChris Kirschner
@ChrisKirschner
Cal Raleigh said Andres Munõz was tipping his slider in the 9th. He saw the Yankees clearly pick up on it.
"Obviously, they weren’t making it very discreet."
W/@BrendanKutyNJ
https://www.nytimes.com/athletic/6487444/2025/07/10/mariners-yankees-pitch-tipping-discussion/
Well, Cal, did you do anything about that? FFS...
There was a fake post on X which caused an upset with Yankee fans also:
ReplyDeletehttps://x.com/TalkinBasabell_/status/1942958909905330387
Guess some people have nothing better to do.
ReplyDeleteThe game replay just ended. That was a great slide by Volpe. My wife said, "He finally did something right?"
Stanton's home run was clutch. Maybe it's the beard. Sometimes he can be great.
So, the Yankees chose to replace a player hitting .154 at third base with Jorbit Vitas, who is hitting .152. Brilliant move!
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I can't understand why either player is on the 40-man roster.
Peraza is a lifetime.196 hitter with an OBP of .275 in about 400 plate appearances. He lacks even the most fundamental skills of a baseball player, such as knowing how to bunt. They need to DFA or trade him—yesterday! Preferably to the Rangers, so we can see another snazzy NY Post back page headline like "Yankees send 'Lee Harvey' Oswald Peraza to Dallas." Ditto Vivas. "Yankees send Jorbit into orbit."
ReplyDeleteWasn't it the IBS Lady?
I believe her name is "Irritabelle".
.
LBJ - there was a small amount of concern that you haven't been seen in a while.....
DeleteIt took Irritabelle to coax LBJ out of the darkness. Somehow, my faith is restored.
Delete
DeleteThanks for the concern guys. Suffice to say there are a million things going on in my life right now and I don't get to check in as often as I'd like. Strange as it may seem, I couldn't resist Irritabelle's Siren Song...
Sometimes you have to act on a gut feeling.
DeleteThat's the long and short of it . . .
DeleteSo true, Carl. Let's relish the victory and come back down to earth. The Yankees lineup is very pitchable. Thanks to Genius Cashman, The Yankees are platooning two .150 hitters at third.
ReplyDeleteif you add them both up – that's .300 ¡!¡
DeleteSuch a pity about Livvy Dunne. The Babe's spirit would have so enjoyed her living there.
ReplyDeleteHEHEHEHE
DeletePretty pretentious for a building that once boasted the city most notorious gay AND hetero sex clubs in its basement, and where I think one of the Westies offed somebody. Hey, standards, standards!
ReplyDeleteIs that where Plato's used to be?
DeleteAlso...where they actually fixed the 1919 World Series.
ReplyDeleteYeah, can't believe it will really mean much in the end. Jazz, our latest Mr. Glass, will probably find a way to injure himself in the vaunted "Home Run Derby," or whatever it's called. (Andy Martino, on SNY last night, said it's really become bigger than the All-Star Game itself. Kill me now.)
ReplyDeleteMr. Zero, Marcus Stroman, will no doubt continue to waver and annoy. Same for The Rodent, who will likely follow up last night's extraordinary win with a Mike Mussina-style bomb. Etc.
But...still pretty damned sweet!
Can't believe that Jazz, days after saying that shoulder problems were causing him to air mail his throws to first (not an excuse mind you!) decided to participate in the Home Run Derby. What a piece of work. He is an amazing player when he's "on", but will flip into the Outer Limits at some point. Is it a mental thing or is he truly a Glassman in the making. I wish that The Brain had nixed his participation in the Derby but Jazz likely would have sulked for a month. Is he truly a long-term keeper?
DeleteLast night will be a future “Yankees Classics”. Not many of them recently. Yes, by all means let’s enjoy! Who knows what follows tonight against a superior Cubs team. (I’m gagging just writing that)
ReplyDeleteAnother pretty great couple lines from the Estimable Keefe:
ReplyDeleteGoodbye to DJ LeMahieu. I always liked LeMahieu and was an advocate for him to be re-signed during the 2020-21 offseason. Did I think giving him a six-year deal to spread out the $90 million the Yankees gave him was the right decision? No.
But when you’re worried about the luxury tax that’s what you do and Hal Steinbrenner is worried about the luxury tax more than you’re worried about anything in your life.
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ReplyDeleteHoss - Thanks for bringing up Jazz and the HR derby (Good name for a children's book BTW - get on it)
ReplyDeleteThere is know way that this doesn't screw him up both physically and mentally for the rest of the season. I don't understand how the Yankees can allow him to participate.
Watch what happens to Cal Raleigh after participating. He'll be lucky to get 50 HRs for the season.
It's draining, increases the wear on those muscles and destroys a players swing. Jazz is already homer happy. Bad bad idea.
1) "when our heroine proudly wove her spell of Spandex against the explosions of feces that enflamed us."
ReplyDeleteThat's some good writing right there.
2) "This is a guy who needs to know how to bunt. He looked awful. He's scraping to stay in the majors, and he didn't bother to learn to bunt? WTF?) "
That's some accurate writing right there. Particularly the "WTF"
3) My goal in life is to develop the equanimity that Woo's dad exhibited.
Kid pitching a potential no hitter in the 6th? Calm.
Kid pitching a potential no hitter in the 7th? Calm.
Kid pitching a potential no hitter in the 8th? Calm.
Kid gives up a hit? Calm.
Kid taken out of the game but still in line for the win? Calm.
Kid's team loses in spectacular fashion? Calm.
Car broken into in the Yankee Stadium Garage? Calm.
Charged an extra $100 for vague hotel services. Calm.
Asked for no onions on his late night burger. Got onions anyway?
Calm.
Oh, I see he got the special Player Family Luxury Game Package. I think Cashman personally does the car break-ins. The onion bit always gets a laugh in the front office.
DeleteI will be on an IIH scouting mission today the stadium tonight. The big question …. Will getting to the stadium at 4 pm be early enough to snag a Billy Joel bobblehead? Boy, I hope so.
ReplyDeleteI hope Billy hasn't actually turned into a bobblehead. Was he from Levittown or Hicksville?
DeleteI believe the song says, "Oyster Bay Long Island"
DeleteMore or less the same thing.
DeleteYeah, though Joel was actually born in the Bronx, and grew up in Hicksville. Nor was the real Billy the Kid born in "Wheeling, West Virginia," as Joel's song has it—more like the Lower Wards of Manhattan (original name, Henry McCarty). Nor was he hanged, as Joel has it, but shot down by Pat Garrett, after killing at least six men, four of them lawmen.
ReplyDeleteBut I love the music anyway!
I agree, Kevin, and Doug K. Crazy to let Jazz compete in the HR derby. It took Judge weeks to get his swing back after he won it in 2017.
ReplyDeleteBut this is so indicative of Hal's ownership. He wouldn't dare to intervene in his fellow owners' latest, stupid gimmick to win followers on the internet with yet another, dumbass idea to "improve" baseball.
Real idea to make the All-Star Game better? Have the biggest stars play most of the game. Stick the secondary stars, subs, etc., in later. And find a way to get Soto in the damned game.
Remember when the All-Star game felt like one?
DeleteI don’t like these AS game. Never have, meaningless BS
ReplyDelete1000%!
Delete