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| Surprise! The Athletic picks the Yankees to finish 2nd in the bidding for Kyle Tucker . |
In their ongoing pageant of pointlessness, the nation's crusty Gammonites are predicting the Dodgers or Mets to land OF Kyle Tucker, with the purse-clutching Yankees finishing as First Runner-Up, and Hal Steinbrenner once again donning the crown of Miss Congeniality.
Look outside. See the snow? It's fucking winter. Soon, MLB will crown its newest obscenity of overpayments, by pouring mountains of money over some middling slugger - in this case, Tucker, a lifetime .273 batter who has never hit more than 30 HRs in a season. Last year, he finished with 22 HRs and .266. (Ben Rice last year: 26 HRs and .255.) But he's 29 and viewed as the prettiest girl in a herpes-infested pageant.
As for Owner Hal? He is Miss Tampa, a bit to heavy on the hips. He's the heir to a baseball family - like the Yawkeys, the Griffiths, the O'Malleys - of the past. Old money. Ancient money. And a principal tenet of the elders, the cheap owners, was that they always, always, always - almost - get their players.
As hard-bitten Yank fans, we need to start realizing our place in the baseball cosmos. The Yankees have the greatest legacy in American sports - but most of it is 60 to 80 years old, and if it doesn't predate us, it extends back to our childhoods.
Moreover, the Yankees do not have a relatively rich owner.
With his net worth calculated at $1.8 billion, Owner Hal ranks 18th on the list of MLB owners' wealth. Leading the pack is Stevie Cohen, owner of the Mets, at $21.3 billion. If you're simply looking at money, Hal has less than the owners of the Tigers, Twins, Redsocks, A's, Rangers, Cardinals, Braves, Phillies, Giants, Astros, White Sox, Cubs and of course, the Dodgers.
That's why the Yankees bank so much of the profits, rather than funneling it back to the team: Hal's trying to keep up with the Cohens!
Most owners represent a new oligarchy: They're hedge fund buttholes, techie bedwetters and mystery financiers, whose sources of money are as elusive as the Epstein diaries.
Millennials today see the Yankees as an annual wild card contender, the team that once had Jeter.
So, winter is here. For now, we simply wait to see if Trent Grisham accepts the Yankees $22 million one-year qualifying offer. If so, prepare to be told that the deal will have drained the coffers. The mighty Yankees - 18th on the owners list - will not win a bidding war against Cohen, the Dodgers, the Phillies or even the Cubs. But they sure can come in second.
As Avis used to say, "We try harder."
ReplyDeleteNOT
Also the slogan of the Erectile Dysfunction League, Bit.
ReplyDeleteThe harder they come, the harder they fall, one and all...
DeleteI’m getting that feeling of Deja Vu all over again
ReplyDeleteIn other news, mlb ends its partnership with legalized bookies and mobster associated organizations. All due to players being arrested for tanking on purpose. Plus the world series featuring cheaters recently.
ReplyDeleteWait, misread the headline. They're limiting ONE feature of a PARTICULAR type of bet. They are still money grubbing whores.
https://www.mlb.com/news/limits-on-pitch-level-markets-announced
LOL, yeah, it's laughable that banning micro-prop betting is going to eliminate players cashing in on intentional flubs. What's going to stop a pitcher from, say, throwing a wild pitch with the bases loaded, or a shortstop bobbling a grounder in a crucial spot? And it's not always about the money. There are other incentives for players to rig an outcome.
DeleteA player from Team X is eating at a diner, and a person takes the neighboring seat at the counter, and a conversation starts:
" Hi, aren't you Star Player from the Yankees?
" Yes, do I know you?"
" No, not really. My name is Tony Soprano, and doesn't your daughter Emily attend Elm Street School in Upper Saddle River?"
"Ummm."
" Accidents happen all the time now. It'd be a real shame if one happened to her."
Yeah, just like boxing, which is a very dirty business. Ali's second fight against Sonny Liston, when Liston goes down in a heap after what looked like a feather duster touched his face. Then, Liston attempts to get up but does a Grammy winning impression of a turtle that has been flipped on to his back, with Ali shouting "get up, who the hell's gonna believe this?" Then, later, Liston ending up dead, shot full of heroin (or something like it). This, from a man who was deathly afraid of needles his whole life. Something really stunk there. When there's smoke, there's fire.
DeleteRe: the gambling scandal, the hoary cliche rings true: Lie down with dogs, get up with fleas.
ReplyDeleteRe: the NYY spending habits, the whorey cliche rings true: You get what you pay for.
Hoary or whorey, it's true.
DeleteAnd the corollary, lie down with whores, get up with crabs.
DeleteCome on get happy
ReplyDeleteYou better chase all your cares away
Shout hallelujah
Come on get happy
Get ready for the judgement day
"Money-grubbing whores?" Are we talking about the same baseball owners?
ReplyDeleteLove "the Pageant of Pointlessness," Duque! It should be an annual holiday event, here in Loser City. Sort of a Festivus for the sporting crowd.
ReplyDeleteAnd yeah, I don't know if Tucker will be a big loss, either. But of course, Plan B will be NOT signing Bellinger, NOT developing Spencer and The Martian, and NOT stocking up on pitchers.
ReplyDeleteJust saying.
ARE WE TIRED OF ALL THE WINNING?
ReplyDeleteNo comment until (our own, personal, Jesus) the time limit is up . . .
DeleteOne important consequence of the Giants firing Daboll is its effect on the back pages standing.
ReplyDeleteThe Knicks are set to pass the Yankees and win this thing, probably for the first time, but the Daboll Debacle (TM) could serve as a spoiler.
When was the last time the Giants got a back cover on a Tuesday?
Daboll turned into the Boone of New Jersey.
ReplyDeleteSo that's it: HAL is only worth 1.8 B. Awwwwww, the poor rich bastard. I feel so, so, so sorry that he's almost penniless, compared to Elon Musk Scent and Jeff Bazillion Bezos. Pobra pobra HAL!
ReplyDeleteWe should start up a fund so that poor HAL can get off foodstamps and get back on his feet. Let's hear the clinking of those coins in the old mug, folks! Ya got to give to receive!
As soon as the coin in the coffer rings
Out of his coffin, Hal to his treasury springs!
But aren't the Yankees worth 10 billion? Are they only counting his couch cushion change? What about all the money parked overseas? All the gold bars up his ass? Doesn't Randy Levine sit on a pile of Hal's money to keep it warm? WE NEED A FULL ACCOUNTING HERE! FINANCIAL FORENSICS! FORENSIC FORNIFICATION!!!
DeleteYankees are worth double digits billions, so they say. (I think it's probably a lot more. A very conservative estimate. Undervalued by at least a factor of 2.5 IMO.) But HAL doesn't own the whole pie. I guess they valued only his portion. And yeah, they forgot to count his gold sepulcher collection, the solid gold burial chamber deep in the Rocky Mountains, the diamond/ruby/emerald/sapphire encrusted death mask, the fleet of yachts, the Swiss bank accounts, the underwater city of Hal-tlantis, the Saudi Arabian harem, the solid gold dildo collection that Randy Levine polishes with his tongue, just to name a few of his hidden trinkets.
DeleteThanks, HOG, for setting the record straight.
DeleteAccording to yankees.com, The Martian is playing winter ball with Leones Del Escogido, a professional ball club in the Dominican Republic. https://www.mlb.com/yankees/news/jasson-dominguez-to-play-in-dominican-winter-league-2025-2026
ReplyDeleteThey also got a good video montage of all of The Martian's big hits from this year. Don't you get the feeling that Yankee management did not want him to develop? Very telling was the stat that he only got 72 at-bats from August 1 on. Wow.
Then, they give him one fucking at-bat in the last inning of the playoff elimination game against the Blue Jays. One at-bat in the playoffs. Why did they bother? Are you fucking kidding me? I thought it was a bad joke. Perhaps they thought that he'd never get a hit, having sat for a couple of months. They must've been thinking that he'd make a weak out. And then all winter long they could justify themselves by saying "see that, he's just a weak hitting 7th outfielder, a quadruple A player at best". But he got a ringing double! Dummmm dee dum dum. Uh oh.
He actually hit better from the right side than I thought. All's I can remember is him hitting something like .025 right handed. How can a position player hit worse than a N.L. pitcher from the days when pitchers used to hit #9?
But according to yankees.com: "Right handed .204 (19-for-93) with a .569 OPS against lefties. Only one of his homers came off a lefty." After something like a 1 for 55 start, that he ended up hitting .204 was pretty amazing.
I actually do remember one really impressive hit, a double, right handed that he got against the KC Royals, cleared the bases and won a game. It was a 96 mph fastball up and in. Much like that Aaron Judge homer in the playoffs this year, Dominguez got around on a high hard one, and ripped it down the third base line, keeping it fair.
“I think a lot of that [struggling right handed] has to do with his lack of experience,” Boone said. “Being a very young man, he hasn’t played a ton of Minor League seasons, just with different injuries and stuff. Where has that affected him the most? The right side of the plate, where you get less at-bats.”
And, of course, that's why they benched him for the remainder of the year. Wouldn't want him to develop too quickly. They are deathly afraid of their young players having big years and then having to give them salary arbitration raises. (Big increases have HAL's accountants ringing their hands, pulling their hair, and screaming in agony.) I think they want him to be a terrible to at best a mediocre player right up to the point that he hits free agency. That way, they can sign him for long term real cheap, say $24 mill total over 8 years. And then, they hope that he develops, so that they have an ultra high value asset.
The problem with their thinking is that, with the way they are developing him, I'm pretty sure that he can't wait to get the hell out of here. That's what his agent will advise when he hits free agency. That's what I'd advise, anyway, if I was his agent.
I realize that the mighty Yankee brain trust isn't going anywhere, no matter how badly they screw up. So, like the Surrendering 8, I'm giving up and getting with the program.
ReplyDeleteTo that end, I have some exciting suggestions for free agents. I'm sure Hal 9000 will love them, because they come cheap. The Mighty Brain will love them, because it's all about reunions!
Here are my carefully curated recommendations:
Gary Sanchez C
Donovan Solano 1B
Gleyber Torres 2B
Tyler Wade SS
Miguel Andujar 3B
Alex Verdugo LF
Harrison Bader CF
Austin Slater RF
Andrew McCutchen DH
Andrew Heaney SP
Nestor Cortes SP
Devin Williams RP
Tommy Kahnle RP
Chad Green RP
I acknowledge that Solano may be too rich for Hal's wallet and Brian will have to work hard to pry McCutchen away from Pittsburg or his rocking chair. But I'm sure he's up for it!
Just worry about reading any of the medical reports, Brian. Your crack AI analytics squad will do that for you.
Don't say I don't love you, baby!
I didn't know Kyle Tucker has only one 30 HR season. Just checked his numbers on baseballreference.com. The numbers are kind of ... meh. If we sign him, that would be all right. But we can pass on him just as well. We can lose without him.
ReplyDeleteKeep in mind that the Houston ball park, with that fucking train up there on those tracks, that place is like a hitter's paradise. All a lefty hitter has to do is poke a routine fly to left field, and it's gone. Numbers get inflated in that place. Expect numbers more in line with his recent production for the Chicago Cubbies. Is this guy worth a gargantuan contract? I think I'd pass.
ReplyDeleteAll of us Yankee fans are a-hopin' and a-prayin' that Trent Grisham does NOT accept the Yankee qualifying offer.
ReplyDeleteMeantimes, HAL & his accountants are a-hopin' and a-prayin' and a-sacrificin' sucklin' pigs, cattle, first born sons that Trent Grisham accepts their qualifying offer.
Mediocrity is the goal here. Keeping Grisham enables them to keep Dominguez and Jones in the minors. Dominguez plays left field in 2026? HAH, HAH HAR DEE HAR HAR! don't make me laugh. Maybe he gets a month or two in left. Then Austin Slater (or his equivalent) will fill in for the remainder of the year. They barely qualify for the playoffs again. Then get jilted in the playoffs. Sound like a plan? We know this movie. We've only seen it continuously for a decade and a half now.
My advice to the Yankees, should he accept the offer, would be to think outside the box, as the Dodgers have. Sign and trade him for the needed pieces, such as bullpen arms, a third baseman who can hit, or an all-around catcher. Get something for him while his value is the highest. Push the envelope. Previously, the only envelope-pushing by the Yankees was with cash and given to political figures as a kickback for government subsidies.
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