No. Beyond weird.
I mean, WTF? Have we been hacked? Is this so-called 2026 "world series" an A.I. fueled slop animation? An imaginary dream orgasm? How else would you explain it? Because nothing makes sense. Nothing...
Last night, in case you missed it - or crashed a heel through your TV out of pure disbelief - something took place that is absolutely foreign to the bylaws of the Yankiverse.
I still can't understand it, but I'll try to Yanksplain:
There we were, in our homes, clutching our beverages and hoisting our victory blankets, watching a team give up four runs in the first inning - FOUR RUNS... AND YET... dear God, I still can't process this, AND YET...
The game wasn't over!
Okay, I know what you're thinking. Duque, put down the toad. You've lost your mind. You're hallucinating again, and dream shards are expanding like Jiffy-Pop from your drooling jawline.
But no, I'm not making this up. I swear it.
The Milwaukee Brewers - who knew this was going on? - were down by four in the first - game over, go home, everybody - and yet they battled back to win the game - and get his - they did it without hitting four solo home runs, which is, of course, the only way our Yankee Death Barge ever comes back.
By the laws and realities of the 2026 Yankee Home Run Derby Firmament, a four-run deficit requires four solo-home runs, preferably spaced around 12 strikeouts, as each Yankee performer showcases his grandest swing-'n-pose.
I mean, what are we watching? Is this a Russian thing? Have the Iranians hacked Fox? Is John Smoltz a secret Canadian? This cannot be not real. I'm wondering... what really happened in the postseason? Will we wake up in December, locked out of baseball, only to learn that the Yankees - led by Giancarlo and Jazz - actually won the world series? How else do we explain this... I have no words... this thing?
So now, they SAY it's going to Tampa. They SAY the Brewers are ahead. They SAY the Rays still have a chance. Well, I wonder. Where's Brent Headrick? Where's Ryan McMahon? What has happened to the 30 strikeouts-per-game model? What are they doing, moving runners into scoring position?
Calgon Bath Oil Beads, take me away...
Soon, our pain will end. The long, national nightmare will be over. The kettle will stop boiling. The toilet will cease to overfloweth. The season will end. Then comes the long night of discontent, the iron curtain will come down, the feet will swell up, the bad metaphors will dry up. Instead of the hot stove - which I used to look forward to - we will be scanning the news pages for word on the lockout. Jimmy Olsen will report to us what the oligarch owners want us to hear. Will there be baseball again? Sadly, yes. "Sadly," because it will be more of the same, at least for those of us in the Kingdom of Hal, where nobody can have nice things and High Lord Steinbrenner - a hereditary monarch - belittles us our lack of gratitude. Fuck Hal, Fuck Brian, Fuck Bonnie, that soulless, spineless, untalented wimp. I'm going to go to some minor league games this coming summer, assuming I live that long, and I'll try to enjoy the little things, but in the Kingdom of Hal, all is gray, there are no crops in the field, and the wells have run dry.
ReplyDeleteYeah…..
DeleteWhat Bitty said.
Jimmy Olsen is dead. The nightmare is not over.
DeleteHAL sucks.
Ca$hole blows (HAL).
Boone is an idiot.
We are saps.
Agreed. And I loved "put down the toad." Hee-hee!
ReplyDeleteThere will still be minor league ball next year.
ReplyDeleteI've been away from the intertubes for a couple of days due to continuing, infuriating, connection problems which are never solved and not even really admitted by piece of shit Vodafone. It's a lot like the Yankees, really. Very similar dumb crap.
ReplyDeleteBut I just caught up with Doug's, Hoss's, AA's and Duque's latest missives, and I didn't find even one sentence or phrase that I disagreed with.
There is some sanity in the world, and it's here.
Alien, so true. Ed
ReplyDeleteI thought that game wasn't over after the Rays took the 4-0 lead in the top half of the 1st. Brewers have been coming back all year. And they did it again. The only thing that's been missing so far in these here playoffs is the Beatdown by the Brew Crew. There's usually a game here or there where they put up 20+ runs, almost 30 hits. Only two more wins where they might be able to accomplish that this year.
ReplyDeleteBut hey, the Brewers are a very entertaining team. Halfway through this season, I thought they'd win the World Series. They're halfway there in the final round. Two wins away from eternal glory. Good for them! May they sweep the fucking Rays!
Tampa's best pitcher, Rasmussen, got knocked around a bit. Funny, when the Brewers come up to the plate, you don't hear anything about how "it's so hard to get one measly hit, so you better swing as hard as you can, just in case you hit it, so you maximize the chances of that one hit being a home run". I'm tellin' ya'll, anybody who says that again, we've got to take that crazy bastard out pronto and shoot 'im. Put 'im out of his misery. There is no cure for rabies.
ReplyDeleteThere is no cure of Yank-jazeera
DeleteSo, Rasmussen didn't look so tough last night, did he?
ReplyDeleteKind of felt like when Achilles put a spear through Hector's neck and dragged Hector's naked body face down backwards to the Greek camp and dumped it in front of Achilles' tent. And all the Greeks came and said "Hector is not so tough now!" and there wasn't a Greek who didn't thrust his spear or sword into Hector's dead body. And every time someone stuck Hector's body and said that line, they all laughed like their sides would split.
Yeah, last night, I was laughing like my sides would split.
For me this is a true rarity, watching baseball after the Yankees have been sent home crying to Mama Boone. But hell, watching a World Series were neither had ever one it, ok. I no longer feel raw about the Yankees not making the Series. Nope. These two teams are LEAGUES better than Our Team. Better not get undressed like they did two years ago by the Dodgers and listen to the pundits. And just maybe, a salary cap will be tougher to sell to the huddled masses during the CBA. Well I can dream. And honestly if the player's union get it handed to them the time will come that I cease being a fan. The love of my long ago youth, the NFL, has become a distant memory, and now I wonder how I ever loved the game.
ReplyDeleteTampa Bay can suck my balls, Doo-dah doo-dah
ReplyDeletePiss into Niagara Falls, Oh doo-dah day
I’m just a dumb-ass Yankee fan Doo-dah doo-dah
Boone’s the lady, Hal’s the man Oh doo-dah day
Gonna lose all all night
Gonna lose all day
I'll bet my money the Brewers win
Somebody bet on Tampa Bay
Dumb old Tampa beat our ass Doo-dah doo-dah
Now they’re getting big outclassed. Oh doo-dah-day
We never gonna win again Doo-dah doo-dah
Cause Nepo ball is original sin. Oh doo-dah-day
Yeah. . . .
DeleteWhat Bitty sang….er, said.
There are many things at which I marvel. Many are simple like the turn of the seasons or the birth of my children. The Milky Way rotates overhead. The rumble of a powerful motor accelerating. But that which unfolds the mysteries of universe more than all else is the successful execution of the hit and run.
ReplyDeleteIn slow motion you could see the ball graze the leather of his glove as Richie Palacios desperately tried to reverse direction.
ReplyDeleteIt gave me chills.
ReplyDeleteBTR999 speaks truth. Hopefully, we can meet at a Hudson Valley Renegades game. They have good beer at that stadium.
ReplyDeleteThey better have LOTS of beer…
DeleteA Duque masterpiece.
ReplyDeleteFrame it and put it in the louvre
As much as we might mock Seattle, they serve the best toads in the American League.
ReplyDelete