IT IS HIGH! IT IS FAR! IT IS... caught

Pro Bowl: Football the way it should be

2012-01-29T14:27:00.000-05:00

1. No one cares who wins.

2. Everybody gets to play.

3. If you mess up, opposition lets you atone.

4. Coaches don't berate players.

5. Everyone there for fun.

6. Nobody trying to "win."

7. Players treat each other like people.

8. If refs miss one, it's okay.

9. Everybody is a star!

10. Nobody ever gets hit.

Kelly Clarkson in word-shaving scandal?

2012-01-29T10:27:00.001-05:00

The Super Bowl betting has started.

Odds are 5-2 Kelly Clarkson will forget or leave out a word of the National Anthem. The over/under stands at 1:34. Odds are 3-1 she'll show her belly.

Reason to watch?

PRO BOWL TODAY

2012-01-29T08:32:00.000-05:00

Once again, America faces civil war:

Conference vs conference...

Division vs division...

Star vs star.

The Pro Bowl.

It's every young boy's dream: To burst into the open, slip several attempted touches and skip downfield for the winning touchdown, 77-74 -- leading your beloved conference to the greatest triumph in Hawaiian sports -- culminating a four-day drunken beach party!

For the conference.

For the grass.

For the ladies.

Who will win? Let the knife fight begin.

Has Kimmel turned against us?

2012-01-28T15:15:00.000-05:00

This from Mr. Curtis Montague Schilling..

And that's it. Nothing more? WTF? Twitter is like the Rosetta Stone. "... the skit is going to be funny, Bloody Sock and all...?"

Let's just hope Schilling performs in drag.

O, to live the life of a Yankee star!

2012-01-28T11:05:00.000-05:00

Asleep at the Wheel: Transcript of actual Pat Sajak and Vanna White drunken show

2012-01-28T08:19:00.001-05:00

Game showhost Pat Sajak has told ESPN 2 that he and Vanna White occasionally taped episodesof “Wheel of Fortune” while drunk.“Vanna and I would go across and have two or three or six (drinks). Then come and do the last shows and have trouble recognizing the alphabet."
.

At considerable expense, IT IS HIGH has found lost footage of just such an event. We offer it with the warning that some of the material is "blue" and should not be shared with younger readers..

ANNOUNCER: AND NOW… LADIES AND GENTLEMEN… PAT SAJAK AND VANNA WHITE! (Applause.) And now… PAT SAJAK AND VANNA WHITE! (Applause.) Hey... Pat Sajak and Vanna White. (Applause.)

HOST: HOOO-KAYYY! Thankyoo-thankyoo-thankyoo… Owww! Who stuck that divider there? Aah, juss kidding efferbody. No problemo. VANNA WHITE, EVERYBODY! (Applause.) VANNA WHITE!

OK, less play Wheel of Fortune! (Applause.)

No, first, less meet our contestants. OK, who are you? Wait. I got it written down, it's in my pocket, no, here it is, RIGHT IN FRONT'VE ME. You’re John Martin, from Green Bay, Wisconsin. HOME OF VINCE LOMBARDI, RIGHT? So, uhhhm, Johnny, do you think it's right for the socialist, anti-capitalist Obama adminstration to steal from working Americans? DO YOU THINK THAT'S RIGHT? What? DON'T ANSWER THAT! Do you ever see Vince Lombardi?

CONTESTANT: No, Pat. Coach Lombardi passed away years ago. As a child, I met him once. In fact, he gave me some advice I'll never forget...

HOST: Uh-huh. Thash great. And here’s our other contestant… from, let’s see… Scrandon, Pennsyltucky! And my, my, my, what do we have here? Mm-mm, good. My goodness, you are Mindy Weaver, right? How did you fit into that sweater? Wait a minute, let me guess: 39D? So where are you from, sweetheart?

CONTESTANT: Scranton, Pennsylvania.

HOST: That’s a beautiful name for a beautiful town that has beautiful ladies. You look nervous. My God, your hands are ice. Here, does that feel better? So… you’re staying the week? Do you like boats?

What? OK, yeah, the rules! Let’s do the rules! All answers must be in the form of a question. That’s a joke! Lighten up. The rules are you pick a letter from the alphabet… for example, T… as in… “TALE OF TWO CITIES!”

Uh-oh. I just gave the answer. Lays and gennelmen, I blew it. The answer is “Tale of Two Cities.” I am sorry. I have never done that before. Vanna, turn over the cards.

What? Lays and gentlemen, I’m told that Vanna White is a bit under the weather... and hopefully over a pail. Should we take a break? No? Keep going? OK, where were we?

I wanna apologize. (Applause.) Awww… you people… What a great studio audience! Give yourself a hand! (Applause.) Unbelievable! When I look out, and I see all you… and it’s… you guys… you’re fucking incredible! I love you fucking people. You hear me? I don't give a shit about saying it: I fucking love you people! (Applause.) What? VANNA WHITE IS BACK! VANNA WHITE, EVERYBODY! (Applause.)

We’ll be back after this message. I gotta hit the can. VANNA FUCKING WHITE, EVERYBODY!

TERROR IN YANKEE LAND

2012-01-27T15:40:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, the Yankiverse snapped into DEFCON-4 for several hours, after 2010 1st round pick Cito Culver tweeted this frightening, cryptic note on Twitter.

Culver is the Rochester kid we picked first two years ago, to the vocal dismay of scouting experts within the Yankee blogosphere. Theoretically, he would replace Jeet. He's shown potential, but then this:

An MRI? Shredded shoulder? Broken femur? Spine snapped like a Hershey Bar? Why MRI?

Hours later, Culver tweeted this: I'm good just checking somethings but I'm completely fine.

QUESTION: Why would a "completely fine" player need an MRI?

QUESTION: What "somethings" is he "checking?"

QUESTION: What is the significance of the :( symbol?

Does it symbolize a broken hip?

Culver since has tweeted: Didn't mean to make ppl nervous I'm completely fine. Ready to go next year.

QUESTION: Why is he trying so hard to convince us of his health?

QUESTION: Is he trying to convince us... or himself?

QUESTION: What does he mean by "ppl?" Perforated Pancreatic Leakage?

Famed Yankee fan hints at retirement

2012-01-27T12:15:00.002-05:00

Kim Jones' replacement?

Did the Curse of the Bambino shift to football?

2012-01-27T06:57:00.001-05:00

In 2004, the tectonic underplates of the astral universe abruptly cleaved, allowing the Redsocks to not only win two rings, but to suck the life-force from the Yankiverse like Demi Moore on a whip-it.

I still wake up in bed, soaked and screaming, to see the bearded Johnny Damon stepping in against Javier Vazquez...

No. I have free will and choose not to go there again! No!... happythoughtshappythoughtshappythoughts...

In 2007, the juju gods blessed us: The lowly NY Giants humbled the Super Patriots. Coincidence? Bah.

Listen: There are no coincidences.

You don't just cap a force powerful enough to hobble a team since 1917. The juju must flow somewhere. So where did the Bambino go? It sure as hell didn't go to the Knicks or Rangers. It sure as hell didn't go to Rudy Giuliani's presidential campaign. Lady Gaga? Ron Paul? The Westminster Kennel Club?

How about Tom Coughlin, who - frankly - looked to be suffering from low T. How else did they beat the Patriots?

But here's the rub: In 2009, the Force re-flowed Yankeeward. We won a ring. Obvioulsy, this season it was undercutting the Redsock beer-and-chicken season-long clambake.
So where does that leave Super Bowl XLVIIIRV? Can the Gints perform a Ruthian knockout, the kind we have dreamed about since 2004? They might have to do it without the Babe...

Unless there is another force at work here...

But if so, who?

I'm studying this. Ideas?

Gary Sheffield has finally left the building

2012-01-26T17:29:00.000-05:00

Today, the Yankees jettisoned Kevin Whelan, age 28, the former future closer — he of the bizarre face paint — the last prospect standing in the great Gary Sheffield debacle/trade of November 2006.

Turns out, we dealt Sheff to Detroit for a movie ticket and bag of buttered popcorn. Over the next two years, he hit 44 homeruns and 130 RBIs for the Tigers. (They also shelled out his substantial salary, so I guess some frugal Yankee fans out there must pro-rate it as a successful deal.) In return, we unwrapped Anthony Claggett, Humberto Sanchez and Whelan — who never seemed to find a strike zone that wasn’t doing the cha-cha.

OK, you’re right: Anyone can pick a bad trade and cry bloody murder. Truth be told, at the time, I liked the deal. Humberto was one of baseball’s hottest pitching prospects, right up there with Phil Hughes. Hell, he starred in the Futures Game. He looked like a raging bull. He wowed the keepers of jugs guns everywhere. Until his elbow crumbled. I think he pitched two innings in the majors.

Listen, we all know the reality: Whenever you trade a hitter for a pitcher, there is a decent chance you just gave away a sure thing for a nuthing. Cashman knows it. Girardi knows it. Seattle knows it. All the sportswriters who just finished congratulating the Yankees for being so smart... they know it. (They knew it 11 years ago, when we traded Mike Lowell to Florida for Todd Noel, Mark Johnson and Ed Yarnall.)

A month ago, we stood one free agent signing away from a near certainty of repeating as AL East champs. Now, welll, we might be on the verge of being a great team.

Or we might have pulled another Sheffield.

Let's sign Humanis Centepedes

2012-01-26T09:23:00.001-05:00

Communism-hating Cuban video star Yoenis Cespedes is now an official free agent, holed-up in some Dominican Republic Best Western, perusing the continental breakfast entres and pretending he didn't just go 5-for-35 in a winter league tryout.

So why do we keep reading how he's too expensive for the Yankees to sign? The shit he is. We're the Yankees. We wash our sports cars with cash. Free cash, like in the Capital One commercials. It flows from clueless and massively evil corporate bigwigs who do sexytime in their enclosed luxury boxes. Of course we have the money! No Cuban on earth, aside from maybe Fidel himself, has ever been too expensive for the Yankees to sign. The Steinbrothers merely have to decided to spend their money, rather than park it in Cayman Island snow removal services.

Good grief, while we're crying poverty, the Redsocks are courting Edwin Jackson, practically writing the check in John Lackey's blood. We traded Jesus Montero and Hector Noesi for a kid who flailed like a dead trout during the months of August and September, and who knows if he'll be any good, because we wouldn't sign anybody. (Well, yeah, we did sign Kuroda, but for one year, relatively cheap.) We didn't want Jackson. We couldn't afford him.

OK, look... no more dissing the trade. But all we've ever had to do was grow our own players and buy a free agent or two every year. Do that, and we will win. They'll hate us, but they already do anyway. We never need to trade. It's when we choose to be cheap - to show how smart we are (and how dumb they are) - the joke turns on us.

If the billionaire Steinbrenners - yes, my friends, billionaires - simply siphoned less money for cigarettes and dip, we could have signed Edwin Jackson and kept Noesis and Montero. (Kuroda? Meh.) We wouldn't be now debating who must go so we can trade for a DH.

Why not sign Centepedes, park him in Scranton and see what he's got? Sign a DH? Dammit, we're not Greece. We're the Yankees. Spend the money, Hal. You can't take it with you.

Yankeetorial: Jorge and Bernie both belong in the Hall, dammit, and we don't need self-loathing Yankee fans to say otherwise

2012-01-26T05:37:00.000-05:00

Jorge Posada and Bernie Williams don't have cartoonish, Wilt-Chamberlain-v-Knicks-like career numbers. But you know what they do got? Rings. Eleven of them. You gotta take off a boot to count.

They don't have MVP awards. All they did was work the middle of the greatest dynasty in baseball history.

Yep. No misprint. Greatest. Dynasty. History.

How dareth me to speaketh such Stigyan bullsheth? What of the Big Red Machine? Oakland? Babe and Lou, Mick and Rog, Thurm and Reggie? The Beatles!

Great clubs, yep. None had to win three rounds of playoffs. Since the dawn of the October-long postseason, only one team has won four out of five rings. Bernie and Jorge. Nobody else comes close. That is flat-out greatness. You hear? The kind of domination exercized by Liz Taylor over donuts. They did it.

But get this: Unless you self-loathing Yankee fans out there get off your stubbled, Pete-Gammons-exploded-blue-nostril-colored butts, and quit swallowing the media cud hawked up by the ESPN anti-Yankee hate machine, the greatest team ever will barely rate a garlic fart in the Hall of Fame.

That's right, comrades. Jorge and Bernie fought for us. Will we fight for them? If no, then who will? The sportswriters? Get real. They're self-pleasuring literary poohbahs, too important to play favorites. They'll tout the career numbers of some unsung KC Royal who never sucked in the playoffs because his team never made them... while Bernie and Jorge were winning rings.

OK, I know what you're thinking: But Duque, they don't have the numbers of Carl Bumwickle of the Marlins, and since Carl isn't in the Hall, they shouldn't make it either, wah-wah-wah. And everybody says there are too many Yankees in the Hall, so we should keep quiet, and maybe people will start liking us, wah-wah-wah. Oh, I wish I were a Mets fan, so everybody would feel sorry for me, wah-wah-wah...

Listen, you delusional, Phillie-hearted, rubber-kneed guilt-lapping pugs, Yankee fans have to stop hating themselves for supporting the richest team in baseball, and we have to start fighting for our troops on the ground.
BERNIE FOR THE HALL.
JORGE FOR THE HALL.
GREATEST TEAM EVER... PUT THEM ON THE WALL.

Linx

2012-01-25T21:22:00.000-05:00

Yankees in 3D?

Yank vendor buckles under Gingrich pressure, releases 2011 tax return

Arod selling his dump for $8 million

2012-01-25T15:11:00.000-05:00

This is where Arod sits and reads his magazines.

Arod bought the place for $5.5 million last March, and he's flipping it for $8 million. That's the city of Utica across the river. Notice how the pillows are arranged.

UH-Oh. Did The Tigers Just Win The Pennant?

2012-01-25T10:15:00.001-05:00

Newsflash;

That other Prince just signed with Detroit.

Great pitching + Great Hitting = UH-oh.

Who should replace Kim Jones?

2012-01-25T09:48:00.005-05:00

First Jesus, now this. Kim Jones is leaving YES. The world is collapsing around us.

Get a grip. What matters is that Coach Coughlin - the Joe Torre of football - rallies his team of concussionists for the greatest back-to-back humiliation of Boston -- wait, they're New England, right? - since Pumpsie Green.
Where was I? Kim is tired of interviewing players who are staring 16 inches below her eyes. Who can blame her?

Who should become the new First Lady of YES?

Pro: Get more Yankees on "Most Interesting People" List

Con: Players tired of being asked what kind of tree they would be.

Pro: Yankees would be named "Person of the Week"

Con: Would claim that even though score is 12-2,

there is no loser because both teams tried hard.

Pro: Asks Jeet, "Who are you wearing?"

Con: Hits on Arod, sending him into slump.

Disney has rolled over: It is now time to end the Yankees barbaric, discriminatory ban on facial hair

2012-01-25T05:41:00.000-05:00

Look into those eyes. See the hurt? See the frustration? My friends, that is the hair-framed face of pain, the look of a man who had to leave his team to find his own true self.

HOW MANY MORE FOLICLES MUST DIE FROM YOUR FATHER'S VENGEFUL BLADE, MISTERS STEINBRENNER?

HOW MANY MORE HONEST CHINS MUST BE SCRAPED RAW OF THEIR MANLY MANES, JUST SO YOU WHO CANNOT GROW A KINGLY PELT SHALL NOT FEEL PERSONALLY DIMINISHED?

Yesterday, the most devious corporation on the planet - Disney - finally abandoned its medieval rule that forbade servants to feature facial furniture. Yes, it's 2012 - not 1433. And yes, we're talking about a corporation whose cartoon animations require every bad guy shy of the Lion King to have a beard. (Remember: Disney is the group that gave us the Insane Clown Posse.) And yet, in terms of human rights, they are ahead of the Yankees.

In fact, compared to us, they are Ron Paul hippies. What in the name of Oscar Gamble's Afro and Mattingly's mustache are we thinking? Must we really be telling Derek Jeter and Mariano Rivera how to look? Are we that obsessive? They're old men, damnit. If they want to braid their nasal hair, why should we care? Besides, who knows what Arod would do with a free range lip? He might grow a miniature A-Rod! Hell, he might grow a couple clutch base hits.

We are now the last organizations in the entire entertainment industry (not counting the Pussycat Dolls and Mormon Boys Choir) to ban facial hair.

Come on, Yankees. Hairy people were born this way. They have a right to live the way they want.

END THE YANKEE HAIR BAN!
LET MY PEOPLE GROW!

Paterno drops to 15th on All-Time Joe List

2012-01-24T19:36:00.001-05:00

New Rankings (previous)

1. DiMaggio (1)
2. Louis (3)
3. Frazier (5)
4. Torre (2)
5. Cocker (5)
6. Montana (6)
7. Girardi (8)
8. Blow (u)
9. Strummer (7)
10. Mauer (u)
11. Cool (u)
12. Garigiola (u)
13. Mama (u)
14. Pesci (9)
15. Paterno (10)
16. Biden (u)
17. Morgan (u)
18. Morris (u)
19. Walsh (u)
20. Namath (u)

My State of the Franchise Address

2012-01-24T06:01:00.002-05:00

Mr. Girardi, Mr. Cashman, President Levine, players, coaches, Steinbrenners, spouses, actresses, ex-lady wrestlers, fake Twitter accounts, media tools, juju enthusiasts, fellow faceless and nearly non-existent fans…

And especially, seated down in front, Mr. Tom Coughlin and his New York football Giants! (wild applause)

Today, we of the New York sports base are on the verge of the greatest Boston humiliation in history. (applause)

I am talking about the most painful, diamond-tipped noogie to their billiards academy since the grand emergence of one Mister Bucky F. Dent. (Applause, chants of U-S-A, U-S-A.)

If our Brothers in Blue (applause) can rake the Patriots in the Super Bowl, less than six months after the great Redsock collapse of 2011 (applause)-- it will be the kind of confluence of events that restores belief in God, or at least UFOs. Tom Brady and Jacoby Ellsbury can go down forever as losers! remembered in the same breath as Mr. William F. Buckner.

But beware... Do not trust them. Never... (booing)

As I speak, they are scheming against us, brooding in their dark bunkers. This weekend, they traded Marco Scutero and thus, currently have no shortstop. (shout from crowd: "Let em die!")

But you don’t touch a rattlesnake lying in the middle of the road.

They have evil in mind. Rope-a-dope. A hidden bomb. Murder. We must be vigilant.

But we have the greatest homerun hitter in our generation. (applause)

We have the greatest closer in history. (big applause)

We have the greatest shortstop in history. (explosions, balloon drop, Katy Perry wardrobe malfunction, chants of USA)

And we have a chance for the greatest Boston humiliation – back to back, Giants and Yankees -– in history.

Dare we believe?

Update: Things Apparently Not Going As Hoped

2012-01-24T00:29:00.002-05:00

"I Am Going To Play This Year"

2012-01-23T13:28:00.000-05:00

Oh. My. God.

2012-01-23T08:09:00.001-05:00

The Giants.

Why would we trade AJ?

2012-01-22T07:47:00.000-05:00

That's ridiculous. People are actually saying we should eat two thirds of his salary and peddle him for a plate of clams. Ridiculous!

A: He might have a bounce back.

B: He's our pie man.

C: By wasting all that money on him, we spare everybody else the scrutiny of being misers.

D: We shouldn't give a damn how much he makes anyway. We're Yankee fans.

NY Gints have a chance for the Payback Fantasy that we blew

2012-01-21T10:01:00.000-05:00

Last October, I contemplated the great Yankee Revenge Manifesto: we beat Detroit, paying them back for the Kenny Rogers October loss; we beat Texas, paying them back for the Josh Hamilton October loss; and then, in the World Series, we beat Arizona, paying them back for the Schilling-Big Unit October-November loss.

Well, we know what happened.

Now, the Giants are almost there.

They have already...

Paid back the Jets for stealing New York the last two years...

Paid back the Cowboys for stealing the thunder of a new stadium...

Paid back Atlanta for the brutal home defeat two years ago that solidified our collapse...

Paid back Green Bay for bouncing us ou of the playoffs last year...

And now, we have the chance to finally pay back the 49ers for the humiliating defeat seven years ago that cost Jim Fassel his job.

And if we win, we may get the chance to pay back the Baltimore Ravens... And Ray Lewis... For the Super Bowl blowout ten years ago.

Payback. If only the Yankees understood the concept.

Who's on third? A-Rod.

2012-01-21T08:20:00.000-05:00

That's what Alex says. He'll play 3B this year. Good.

Our hopes now rest in old fashioned German blood therapy.

And Michael Pineda.

Sign Gerardo Concepcion

2012-01-20T20:42:00.001-05:00

There's a new Cuban on the horizon, and he's got a great baseball name. Gerardo Concepcion. Dammit, we just dealt the greatest Yankee name in a generation, Jesus Montero, and we have yet to replace the name Melky Cabrera. Dammit. We apparently plan to pass on that outfielder, Humanis Centepedes, or something like that.

This guy is a 17-year-old lefty. Dammit, let's get him. Dammit.

Jorge doubles down

2012-01-20T06:25:00.002-05:00

There is nothing sadder than the star sports figure who won’t retire. You end up watching George Foreman get pummeled and Brett Favre benched. You watch Joe Paterno’s life-long reputation burst into flames. You watch the player you loved become the player you hate seeing. God, it's awful.

It’s like a drunken party guest who won’t leave, or a lame duck president who gets nothing done. May God grant us all the dignity to walk out in style — and not be carted away in a cascade of boos.

.
Recently, Jorge Posada retired from baseball, taking with him his good name, his grace, and the memory of a solid post-season, albeit in a losing cause. He left against his wishes, basically because a kid named Jesus Montero had sucked the air out of the Yankee DH and back-up catching roles Jorge otherwise would have filled.
.
Well, we all know what happened last week. Montero is gone. But now, we’ve learned a little more about the wisdom and self-respect of Jorge Posada. He says his decision stands. He’s done. It’s over. He has made peace with his next life — which we hope will remain with the Yankees. He made a smart decision. Great performers understand the value of an exit line. (Hello, Jason Varitek?) Nobody plays forever.
.
Sad to see Jorge go. God, we’ll miss him. But nobody has to worry about Jorge's reputation. He left on his terms. It doesn’t get much better than that.

New Rules For Yankee Fans

2012-01-19T15:34:00.002-05:00

Rule 1. Never get excited about a Yankee prospect.

Rule 2. The better a Yankee prospect appears, the more certain it is we shall trade him before he ever puts on the uniform at Yankee stadium.

Rule 3. The Yankees will never have a group of great young players

again ( remember what happened when we brought up Mo, Jorge, Derek, Bernie and Andy) ?

Rule 4. Yankee prospects are dirt and will never be given a chance in pinstripes.

Rule 5. If someone says, " Banuelos is the next Whitey Ford," consider him already traded.

Rule 6. Only focus on mediocre, over-paid players. THAT IS OUR FUTURE.

Rule 7. Never, ever pay attention to any Yankee prospect unless they are naked in your

wife ( or girlfriend's ) bedroom.

Rule 8. If you hear, see or read anything about any player in the Yankee organization, but not on the major league roster, consider them gone and irrelevant.

Rule 9. Never watch, read, or listen to any show where it is likely that a Yankee prospect will be mentioned. Ever. Throw a large object at the source.

Pineda Begins Work-Outs In Tampa

2012-01-19T15:25:00.002-05:00

Let me see......

Wasn't there a big name pitcher for the Yankees who got injured by a garbage truck, while making out with some bimbo in Florida?

Wasn't that pitcher a total waste for 4 years until he went to another team and started winning again?

Our man from Seattle de-bugged from that snow bound burg and headed straight for Tampa. Shortly after flashing his new Yankee team colors, he attracted a babe to his audi convertible and was last seen outside a leafy park at 4;00am.

The garbage is picked up in Tampa starting at 4:15 am.

The Yankees picked up their garbage last week.

The Yankiverse remains troubled and convulsive over the Jesus trade

2012-01-19T09:38:00.051-05:00

Last night, the pre-eminent Yankee blog, River Ave, held an open thread on Michael Pineda, the man who will never be Jesus Montero.

Within minutes, it belched 100 comments. Or transcribed grunts. Many could have been typed by Lyndon Larouche. Fans ranted politics. They gave Pineda nicknames: Seeyalatta Pineda... Pinata. They glinked and glonked about how we should sign Prince Fielder. (Note: We're not going to sign Prince Fielder.) One guy mentioned Sergio Mitre. He was tripping on morning glory seeds.

Listen: I judge nobody. We are what we are: Restless, boneless, slaves to Yankee bullshit - for better or worse, till death do us part.
But in my entire life, I cannot remember such massive disappointment and unease over the trading of a prospect. If we had dealt Munson's legacy for a bowl of soup, the Yankiverse would not be so roiled and disillusioned.

And we all know why. We just walked out onto a frozen lake. We want to believe the ice is thick. But Bobby V's words - if he's so good, why did they trade him? - hang around our necks like a rotting sea creature. If Pineda tanks, we will experience the Yankiverse version of that super volcano in Yellowstone, the one that outblows mounts Buhner and Drabek. We will experience nuclear winter.

The truth is this: We might have just traded away Babe Ruth. Or Miguel Cabrera.

Ugh. It hurts to think: Frank Robinson for Milt Pappas. Lou Brock for Ernie Broglio. Mark McGwire for TJ Matthews. Josh Hamilton for Edinson Volquez. Jeff Bagwell for Larry Anderson. Now... ugh...

Don't get me wrong: I really do believe. But I'm pushing 60. I got 10 to 20 good years left. And folks, here is my reality:

If this trade backfires, it will haunt me the rest of my life. Try to put that into an open thread.

Cost of Darvish to Rangers: 4.1 Seligs

2012-01-19T05:43:00.000-05:00

The Bush Rangers -- the Conservative, fiscally-adult franchise that gave humanity the original Arod supercontract -- has signed Japanese sensation Yu "Don't Call Me Kei" Darvish to a six-year contract for $60 million. Per season, the Japanese sensation will earn 0.4 Seligs -- according to the universal scale of compensation, based on the salary of Supercommissioner Bud Selig ($25 million.)

The true cost of stabling the Japanese sensation is $110 million - more than 4 crisp Seligs. To meet Darvish, the Rangers had to pay ransom to his Japanese captors: a cool $51 million - or 2 Seligammas.

As you know, I wanted us to outbid Texas for the negotiating rights, then never even call him. That would force the Japanese sensation to return next year, without bidding rights. It would have cost us nothing, but it would have totally ruined the Rangers' Christmas. They'd whine and call us names, but, hey, that's Chinatown, Jake.

I try not to root against players, (aside from physically obese Redsocks). I have no quarrel with Yu. In the past, overpaid Rangers were destined to become Yankees, anyway, so why be negative? Still, it would be nice if Darvish fumbles, while the pitcher Texas tossed overboard - CJ Wilson - does well. It would be a classic George Steinbrenner 1980s move: Lust for other teams' players, while undervaluing your own. If Yu isn't worth all those Seligs, Texas is going to play like Rick Perry debates.

Anticipated great moments on July 6, when Roger “Pink Floyd” Waters brings “The Wall” to Yankee Stadium

2012-01-18T16:25:00.001-05:00

1. After giant brick wall is built, Bobby Abreu plays a catchable ball off it.

2. Crowd sings: “We don’t need no education. We don’t need no thought control. No dark sarcasm in the classroom. Cashman, leave them kids alone!”

3. Pig flying overhead wears Big Papi jersey.

4: Don Zimmer, fighting Pedro doll, performs live rant: “If you don't hit yer head, you can't have any pudding. How can you
have any pudding if you don't hit yer head?"

5. John Sterling, during introduction, confesses to have never heard of band or any of its music.

6. Arod sings, “Money, it’s a gas.”

7. Crowd sings along with salute to Jeet: “All in all you’re just another Yank in the Hall.”

8. Ramiro Pena dedication: “I... have become... confortably slumped.”

9. Called out for encore, Waters receives pie in face from AJ Burnett.

A SHOCK FOR ALPHONSO?

2012-01-18T12:00:00.000-05:00

It Is High friend and commenter Buhner's Ghost asked me to pour into Alphonso's half-empty glass this column from The Seattle Times' Larry Stone (the columnist who writes like a columnist, not the Peter Abraham-style extreme blogger, both of whom I mentioned the other day). Stone sees top Yankee Michael Pineda as a candidate for:

"The Verducci Effect" -- the theory by Sports Illustrated writer Tom Verducci that targets young pitchers in danger of "injury or significant regression"

Read and weep

Wikipedia: The Poem

2012-01-18T08:33:00.001-05:00

In honor of today's protest.

(From looks of things, we'd have to pack it

in if that law gets passed.)

Wikipedia,
The perfect media!
Facts for you,
And they might be true!

Wikipedia,
Not a picky media.
No need to fight it.
I just rewrite it.

I did "Suburbia:
"A town in Disturbia,
"Home to Uncle Sam,
"Birthplace of Spam."

And then "Clitoria:
"Fear of euphoria.
"For more, see KAY."
(My ex-fiancé.)

Christina Aguillera?
"Wife of Yogi Berra." James K. Polk?
"Inventor of Coke."

Frozen Margarita?
"Girl in iced Velveeta."And of course, Voodoo:

"Doo droppings from Voo."

Wikipedia.

The low-cost media.

We sew what we reap,
And free is cheap.

Lincecum wants 0.86 Selgs: How dare he! And guess who is to blame...

2012-01-18T06:16:00.000-05:00

The Yankees, of course.

Yes, blame for the Giant pitcher's overwhelming, sickeningly lustful greed falls squarely on pinstriped shoulders: The damn Yankees pay too much money, because they actually try to win each year. (At least, I think we do. This winter, I've had reason to wonder.) We chase free agents - (Damn that Curt Flood!) - and return calls to Scott Boras. We've ruined the game. Players are now seeking Selig money! Damn Yankees! Damn us!

Now this: A seemingly nice young hippie, Tim Linceum - who should be above materialism - is demanding nearly an entire Selig. (That's the universal measurement of $25 million per year, what our nylon-haired Commissioner gets paid.) What is happening to our children!

Fortunately, for the owners, Bud the Rug recently brokered a de facto salary cap, masquerading as a massive luxury tax upon anybody who tries too hard to win. Strangely, this group of moral giants has not publicly come out to support higher income taxes on America's 1 percent, which would jive with their management style in baseball.
Remember, folks: They are billionaires, pretending to be millionaires so we will feel sorry for them.

Now Tim Lincecum wants 4/5th of a Selig? Heavens to Murgatroy.

Listen: Nobody poormouths more than the owners of sports teams. You'd think they live hand-to-mouth. They own franchises worth hundreds of millions of dollars - in some cases, billions - and they tap into public money whenever needed - yet they wail like sidewalk rag ladies to anybody near.

Well, last week, we did their bidding. We traded Jesus Montero to shore up our pitching staff, rather than sign a free agent. Maybe it'll work. But if the Yankees simply used the money from taxpayers and corporate boxes - signing Darvish or Wilson or Edwin Jackson, while keeping their kids, they cannot fail.

Now, there's a chance this kid from Seattle will blow an elbow (Humberto Sanchez!), shrink from the lights (Carl Pavano!) or simply be pitched out (Javier Vazquez!), and we'll spend the next 15 years rueing the day we traded Jesus.

But at least our owners will have saved some precious pennies. They're burning furniture to stay warm, I hear, in the Poorhouse that Ruth Built.

Redsocks looking ready to move

2012-01-17T20:30:00.000-05:00

Carl Crawford had surgery today on his wrist.

"Can you hit a man-sized target with a baseball at a distance of two hundred feet?"

2012-01-17T14:33:00.000-05:00

The blog Ptak Science Books found an "unlikely advertisement" from 1916 "for baseball players with good throwing skills to enlist in the U.S. Army" and pitch hand grenades at, it would soon turn out, Germans.

Excerpts after the jump.

Can you hit a man-sized target with a baseball at a distance of two hundred feet?

Can you "curve 'em about their waist" all day long without feeling unduly fatigued?

If so, you had better enlist in the Army. Uncle Sam will shortly be in need of men who can handle a baseball skillfully and accurately, for a near relative to the American national sport is destined to play a big part in any warfare in which the United States Army may enter within the next few years.

This baseball-like implement of death is a small hand grenade precisely the size and weight of the ball that Tris Speaker and Ty Cobb wallop, only they would not care to take a crack at this sphere, for it is filled with a secret compartment of explosives, the formula of which is jealously guarded by the War Department as is the working of the hidden spring in the grenade.

The advantage of this typically American weapon is that it may be handled just as roughly as you wish… if one wishes to use the grenade as a bomb, a metal contrivance which fits into the palm of the hand and which presses a hidden spring at the moment the "ball" leaves the "pitcher" must be utilized. This contrivance of itself is not new. It has been sold for years to boys who desire to pitch curves or pseudo-spitballs…

…[T]he grenade, which has been practically harmless up to that time, becomes a whirling sphere of death, exploding with tremendous force upon the slightest contact.

Finally this, written 58 years before the invention of Tommy John surgery and 61 years before the birth of Scott Proctor:

…[E]ach "spit-ball artist" ought to be able to hurl a thousand of these death-dealing weapons a day.

For DH, how about if we turn to the Mexi-Man Miracle, Jorge Vazquez?

2012-01-17T11:07:00.000-05:00

Hell, he's only 30. He bats right, he's in his prime, and with the Yankees suddenly looking for a fulltime DH, why not try the great El Chato, Jorge Vazquez, whom we signed three years ago off the Juan Miranda Memorial Scrap Heap three years ago. He's been mashing ever since.

El Chato signed with the Mexican League at age 17 and played there until 2009, when we snagged him. He was the regular all-star first baseman and the pre-eminent slugger. He missed much of his first Yankee year at Trenton with an appendectomy. Last spring, his HRs were the talk of Tampa.

He whacked 32 at Scranton and batted .262. Trouble was, he fanned 166 times in 455 plate appearances. I don't even want to do the math on that. His nickname could be El Whiffo. He's had a big winter in Mexico, hitting 18 HRs and batting .330.

It's now or never on this guy. Jesus is gone. Jorge II? I say, use him or lose him. He aint gonna get better at age 31.

Yankees reach deal with Phil - one year at 0.17 Seligs

2012-01-17T05:59:00.000-05:00

The Steinbrothers will pay Phil the Phranchise Hughes a mere 0.17 Seligs ($3.2 million) next year, thanks to a deal to avoid the A-word, (arbitration, not Arod.)

Last year, when Hughes sat out the first three months with blah-arm syndrome, he earned 0.108 Seligs ($2.7 million.)

Note: Seligs are the universal measuring stick for 1 percenter compensation, based on contribution to humanity. One Selig - that's year's salary for the great commissioner Bud Selig - equals $25 million. Thus, Mitt Romney is worth about 6.5 Seligs... which means 6.5 Seligs is one Bain.

(Obviously, only great human beings are paid in Seligs and Bains, and in the popular mindset, they are always - unlike baseball players - "worth every penny."

Final Note: MLB has no recourse but to pay Bud Selig what he's worth on the open market. If he were to bolt to, say, the Arena Football League or Womens Basketball Association, there's no telling how much more he would make. The current NFL Commissioner receives 0.4 Seligs, which only shows how Bud Selig is the Arod of professional sports administrators.)

The highest paid Yankee, Alex, earns 1.35 Seligs per year. Over the course of his career, he has accumulated 2 Bains. Way to go, Arod!

Talking points Rick Perry can use in defending those Marines for urinating on Taliban bodies

2012-01-16T21:06:00.000-05:00

"Hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go!"

"Give 'em a break! Doesn't every kid yearn to do silly stuff like that?"

"That durn Barack Obama, he's done it again!"

"In war, you wanna make dang sure they're not playin' possum!"

"A sixpack in the afternoon - it runs through you like Gayle Sayers!"

"I say, 'Let he who hath never peed on a dead body throw the first stone.'"

"Can ya' blame em? Everybody wants to get on YouTube!"

"Heh-heh, they broke, heh-heh, the military rule: Don't ask; don't expel!"

10 Reasons the Packers collapsed

2012-01-16T17:59:00.000-05:00

1. Offense confused when Aaron Rodgers kept calling for "Discount Doublecheck."

2. Before game, Clay Matthews horrified to find frizzy ends, damaged roots.

3. Defense thought, "Cover Nicks" meant NBA Knicks.

4. Coach wanted to see if you can really win Super Bowl without rushing.

5. Team figured since refs overturned fumble calls, they'd overturn score.

6. Whenever Tom Coughlin is one loss away from being fired, beware.

7. Team up all night cheering Wisconsin victory in Miss America.

8. Nobody wants to miss Super Bowl halftime show with Madonna.

9. Disillusioned with God after Tebow loss.

10. Really: Who can fear somebody named "Pierre-Paul?"

Awwww, tooo bad: Baseball plantation owners sad about not being able to sign Puerto Ricans at age 16

2012-01-16T13:58:00.001-05:00

Those pesky school teachers ruin everything! That's the story from baseball pimps in Puerto Rico, which only has 20 players in the majors - all because mean old MLB includes the U.S. territory in its annual draft - which requires signees to be at least 18 years old.

If only Puerto Rico was poverty stricken, like other Latin societies - why, everyone would be happy! A few more players would make it, and as long as the media writes about them, rather than the losers, it's a happy story all around!

The problem? That damn lack of poverty, say baseball officials in the New York Times.

Some, like Sandy Alderson, the current general manager of the Mets and a former consultant for Major League Baseball who handled issues in Latin America, said Puerto Rico’s socioeconomic status — somewhere between the United States and the Dominican Republic — left it in a peculiar position.

“From a socioeconomic standpoint, things have changed quite a bit in Puerto Rico,” Alderson said. “There are lots of other ways to spend your time. In the Dominican Republic, on the other hand, unfortunately, poor kids who are playing ball and who are from the lowest economic strata in that country, baseball is a way to escape, so there’s a greater concentration of players and effort. I think they’re just very different dynamics than Puerto Rico.”

Not to rip on Alderson here. He's got it absolutely right. But where is MLB in this?

In the new labor agreement, Bug Selig - the $25 million man - made sure MLB has a hidden salary cap - the massive luxury taxes will crush free agent spending. Thus, owners can bank more money, with nobody the wiser. Players salaries get published, riling fans. (Damn that AJ Burnett! It's his fault the tickets cost so much!) But when it's time for a new stadium, the owners plead poverty and beg for taxpayer welfare. And their books are personal business.

Now they say the new MLB agreement won't ban the signing of players at age 16. Maybe someday. Not now. Apparently, it's just not a priority.

I wonder how many Jerry Sanduskys are out there, recruiting 15 year olds for the baseball plantations of Latin America?

But it goes deeper. When you sign a player at 16, the corruption of the child begins much earlier - at 10 or 12.

No wonder these guys go in as Don Mattingly and come out as Manny Ramirez.

Twenty five million dollars a year, folks.

Lingtks

2012-01-16T12:28:00.001-05:00

Brangelina Burnett?

Arod working out?

Is Gary the new Jesus?

2012-01-16T07:04:00.000-05:00

For five years, we Yankee believers awaited the Coming of Jesus Montero. We praised his first HR in the Florida play-gym league. We toasted his pilgrimages through Charleston and Trenton, and the Electric City/Anthracite Capital of the World. We devoured meaningless projections of how his Triple A stats would translate unto The Promised Land. We defended his defense, or lack of it. We believed in him. Mike Piazza! we said. Miguel Cabrera! we said. Mike Napoli! we said. Jesus was coming, this we knew.

Well, Jesus is gone, and He will never forgive us.

Oh, well, our new savior is... Gary! Gary Sanchez. Praise Glory, praise Gary?

For you who follow the Yankees sparsely - as in, "I hear they have a player named Arod, or something..." - Gary Sanchez is Jesus II. He catches, he hits for power, and he breaks the scale at 235. We paid more to sign him at age 16 - $3 million - than we ever paid before or since. The only concerns are his attitude and defense. The party line, believe it or not, was always that Gary was better than Jesus. Yes, better than Jesus.

But dare we bother to follow him? Having betrayed Jesus, do we have unmitigaed gall to simply rewind the Savior Clock?

Last month, Gary turned 19. This summer, he probably starts in Tampa, at High Single A. Thus far, his career has been a Jesus carbon copy. If it continues, he'll ransack Tampa - Montero did - and ascendeth unto Trenton. That would have him blessing the mudfield in Scranton next year and reaching New York by 2014 - age 22 - like Montero, with the same hype but one big difference.

By then, we'll know if we blew it by trading Jesus.

If so, if Montero is the savior we gave away, Brian Cashman might not even be around in the Yankee temple anymore. You only get one Savior in life. If you trade it away, do you get a chance at a second Second Coming?

Should we believe, or does it still hurt too much?

2012-01-15T19:59:00.001-05:00

Four Reasons ( At Least ) Why Dumping Jesus Was A Horror

2012-01-15T10:16:00.002-05:00

1. What no one is even mentioning is that Hector Noesi was also lost in the trade. Hector was a dominant, make that THE DOMINANT, pitcher in winter ball. And he is both young and battle tested in the majors.

He is better now than Phil Hughes will ever be, whether as starter ( Hughes will never be this ) or reliever ( Hughes will be given the 6th inning at best, and more often than not screw it up ).

Hector will win 16 games for Seattle this year.

2. The dip-stick Jose Campos, whom we received "in exchange " for Noesi, won't see the majors in the 2012 season. More likely, he will never see the majors. He has no upside at all.

3. Pineda not only has arm trouble, but the league quickly figured out he has only two pitches. Did we get him for a closer role? The likelihood of him developing an effective 3rd pitch ( a change-up no less) at this stage is practically zero. Hughes tried to develop a change-up and we all saw how effective that new pitch was for him last year. He threw it once for a strike and twelve times for extra base hits.

4. Related to the news of this trade disaster, mostly by timing of course, is the brilliant signing of Kei Igawa's older cousin, 14 year veteran Hiroki Kuroda of the world famous LA Dodgers pitching corps. This bum is already useless, can't throw strikes and, hopefully, it is questionable whether he can pass a physical. His 78 mph fastball, combined with his 55 foot breaking balls will surely dominate American League hitters. We can only hope he has a torn labrum that will show up on an MRI.

Don't we all know that, one way or another, Japanese pitchers will always fail at the major league level when it matters? This guy makes me happy to have AJ Burnett.

5. I know I said 4 reasons, not 5. However, Jesus has already proven he can be a monster hitter. I think Alex Rodriguez no longer can be. Alex is 37 and fading fast. His at bats in

our "one and done" playoff series were laughable. He is again watching fast balls blaze past him for strikes, then flailing at the inevitable breaking ball, a foot off the plate. Out of strikes, looking aimlessly to the sky for answers, he walks gingerly back to the bench leaving at least two runners on base. You'll be seeing this a lot with Alex milking millions as a .223 hitting DH with no power.

Extending his contract years back so that we now owe him 6 more years of bench time, was part of the disaster that now unfolds.

6. Romine, Sanchez ( see Grasslands Institute for The Mentally Unbalanced ) and the person named Murphy, will make Cervelli look like Elston Howard. They are all bums who can't hit and never will.

I will wager anyone right now that when I arrive in Tampa for the early spring training games, Pineda won't be pitching because of a balking arm tendon, brought on by trying to learn his new pitch. Kuroda will be lights out in the training games but give up 8 runs in 1 and 2/3 innings in his first outing at the stadium.

Now, we'll never know John's updated home run call for Jesus Montero

2012-01-15T08:37:00.000-05:00

Last September, when the Times' Bill Pennington called to ask why our blog celebrates the outdated Yankee carnivale broadcast pinata known as John Sterling, I picked his brain for dirt. Pennington had spent weeks probing internal dark dimensions of the Master's psyche that the rest of us can only piece together from disconnected lyrics of Ethel Merman show tunes and 15-minute calls to Geico. The reporter had spent an entire day with John. Ponder that, folks: An entire Sterling day. Thus, I viewed Pennington as a potential Rosetta Stone of Sterling gossip and set out to decipher it. And the juiciest bit I shall now share:

Pennington disclosed that John was not enamored with his "Jesus is loose" homerun call, used for what now will be the only four dingers Montero ever gives us. John planned a new, improved call. He had one in mind but was not ready to share it with the world.

Now, we will never know.

Friday, Brian Cashman traded away our secret map to Candy Land, to Valholler... the lost call of Jesus Montero.

Opposing batters do not receive Sterling calls, which are forged in the volcano of his Yankee soul. That is the law of Sterling, the rule of life. We will never know what John had in mind, or how Jesus HR calls would have evolved over his long Yankee career.

We can speculate, but what's the point? No one can approximate the Master's limitless knowledge of 1950s Broadway standards, and unless we can simultaenously channel both Rogers & Hammerstein and Barber & Rizzuto, we cannot come close. The Seattle announcers won't try. Now and then, Jesus will hit a "grand salami." In New York, he would have had an A-bomb, a Text message, or a flight into Camelot on the vocal wings of Robert Goulet.

Gone. Forever.

The Yankiverse still grumbles about this trade. On paper, it was crafy. We dealt a young hitter for a young pitcher. It's not Buhner for Phelps, Drabek for Rhoden. But while pitching wins championships, nothing brings more instant joy to a Yankee fan - and its radio voice - than a glorious blast into the seats. It is the orgasm that comes from true Yankee love. And we might just have traded away 500 of them.

This guy, Pineda, had better be good. Because he will never bring us a home run call.

Yanks Re-visit Disaster Of Jay Buhner Trade

2012-01-14T14:44:00.002-05:00

I now know for sure that jesus will haunt the Yankees for the next 15 years.

Luckily, Seattle is awful now and may not keep us from securing second place in the AL East, but we have just treaded on the same snake that bit us years back.

This excuse for a pitcher they sent us will be having surgery before May, I assure you.

He will go the way of those lefties whose names we can't pronounce and who never contributed a lick to the yankees.

El Duque has done his best to spin something positive and hopeful. Disregard every word.

His argument is similar to that which says our efforts in Iraq and Afghanistan will bring peace, democracy, brotherly love and tranquility to those nations. Or that we will all soon book vacations there, dance with Omar, Muhammud and Abu in their mosques, have cocktails on the shore of the Euphrates and play stick-ball in the back alleys of Bagdhad.

Cashman has, in panic, erupted with a disaster for the ages. Soon, he will be GM for the Royals.

As for us; we shall be reading, within weeks mind you, reports of renewed arm troubles. Then we can look forward to yet more surgery, a lengthy recovery progress, and finally the excitement of a moderately successful inning or two at "A" ball three years hence.

In the end we shall have nothing but further disappointment, unrealized expectations and, at long last, an endless winter of drinking as we hopelessly try to forget this day.

Jay Buhner twice in a lifetime is too much for anyone to bear.

Mark my words and mark them now. This is a disaster.

Montero's New Beat Writer Slams Vulture Capitalism

2012-01-14T12:55:00.002-05:00

I clicked over to the Seattle Times looking for Montero/Pineda reaction from Mariners beat writer Geoff Baker--the hard-blogging Peter Abraham of the Northwest--but he has yet to weigh in on the weekend deal. Colleague Larry Stone says, "I've got a lot of reporting to do, but snap judgment is I like this trade. A lot." But, to me, it's Baker's opinion that matters more; he studies his subject hard, and he doesn't write like a columnist.

I'm glad I clicked over because right now, instead of the scoop of the moment, this magnificent think post leads Baker's blog. It's about the foolishness of post-Moneyball fans who root for their teams' billionaire, government-subsidized owners to make cost-effective deals:

The next time somebody tells you your team can't afford a certain player, ask them why they believe that. And if they tell you a team shouldn't have to spend more than the revenues they are taking in, ask them why that is since many of those revenues came off the backs of taxpayers and not owner risk.

Go read the whole thing.

Will Arod continue his tradition of great post-season play?

2012-01-14T11:19:00.000-05:00

The one and only?

Has the sacrifice of Jesus opened the gates of heaven for the return of a certain great Yankee?

2012-01-14T08:53:00.001-05:00

OK, think with me here: Daredevil Cashman just dropped his nuclear bomb, potentially killing or saving millions of innocent dollars. Now, we must consider the collateral damage. (Aren't metaphors fun?)

Barring injuries - (Say, has anyone followed that elbow issue that pulled Ivan Nova from game five last October?) - we have seven Joes chasing five slots. (Actually, six: Hughes could be a reliever or swing man.) Presumably, someone must go. That's probably a decision for spring training.

Barring injuries - (yeah, I'm talking to you, Arod) - we have a group effort at DH. It almost resembles the GOP presidential field.

From the far right, we have Alex, Jeet, Eduardo Nunez, Andruw Jones or El Chato, the Mexi-Mystery Man Miracle known as Jorge Vazquez. But it's all about Arod. He's the Mitt Romney here. If he's not healthy enough to flash his mitt at 3B, he becomes our everyday DH. (BTW, this was always going to be a sticky issue with Jesus Montero. If Arod couldn't play 3B, Jeez was out of luck.)

From the left side, we have... gulp... Chris Dickerson? Our entire outfield hits left (Swish, a switch), but what's the point? It would be Chris Dick replacing them. We could sign Eric Chavez, who'll hit until he falls in the shower. But is he our lefty DH?

How about a man who steals two bases in one pitch... who says efff you to Boston when they try to acquire him... and who is still deciding which hat to wear in Cooperstown? A man with a swing or Yankee Stadium... who hits in the clutch... and who by all accounts is a great presence on any team?

I know... yeah, I know... I'm thinking with my heart here. But we just dealt Jesus, whom we raised from puppyhood, for a couple pitchers who - like all pitchers - is a tender tendon away from oblivion.

Cash just dropped his A-bomb. It didn't come from Arod. The earth is still shaking. In the movies, Godzilla returns. (Yep, another lefty possibility.) I just hope Johnny comes marching home.

10 True Things You Probably Didn't Know About Michael Pineda

2012-01-14T00:17:00.000-05:00

1. Wednesday, he turns 23.

2. He missed most of 2009 with a bad elbow.

3. Going into last season, Baseball America ranked him the 16th best prospect in the game.

4. He struck out the first major league batter he ever faced, Ian Kinsler, on three pitches.

5. He was named AL Rookie of the Month in April. He was practically unhittable.

6. He was selected to the AL All-Star team as a replacement for Justin Verlander. In the game, he pitched a perfect inning, striking out Scott Rolen and Rickie Weeks.

7. He fell apart in July, with an ERA of nearly 7.00.

8. In his one outing against Boston, he gave up 7 runs.

9. He finished behind Ivan Nova, for fifth, in the AL Rookie of the Year vote.

10. His biggest problem is the first inning. The league hit .274 against him in the first.

Hummina-hummina-hummina...

2012-01-13T23:30:00.000-05:00

Holy shit. We just traded Jesus and Hector Noesi to Seattle for two young arms, and then signed Kuroda to a one-year.

Happy to sign the free agent. Still numb about the deal.

Who is now our DH? Arod? Do we go out and find a hitter? If it's Arod, who plays third? What of all our extra starting pitchers: CC, Ivan, Kuroda, the new guy, Hughes, AJ, Freddie - that's seven... not counting the kids from Scranton. Somebody's gotta go.

More changes coming? Plates spinning fast. Holy shit.

Four out of 10 Americans think God screwed the Pittsburgh Steelers last Sunday

2012-01-13T11:56:00.001-05:00

I always wondered where God gets all his money.

Point-shaving scandal?

Fenway will turn 100 this year, when our grand tradition turns three

2012-01-13T10:25:00.000-05:00

OK, spoiler alert: We blew it.

Boston did the right thing in the 1990s, when the money-suits lobbied to replace Fenway with a new, public-financed cookie-cutting. They recognized Fenway as a slice of history, something you don't replace with giant laminated posters and a Hard Rock Cafe.

Their stadium turns 100 this year. Happy birthday.

In two years, we will celebrate our fifth!

What's amazing is how Yankee fans live in denial. When former Yankees visit in new uniforms, writers often pretend they are "returning" to the old park. (It was a parking lot.) MLB announcers still gush about "the ghosts" that haunt our historic field. (It was a parking lot.) George Orwell would have loved YankeeSPEAK. We have a disco lounge, 4-star steak house, $10,000 luxury seats - AND we have a great, 100-year tradtion!

Folks... Mickey Mantle never played here. Babe Ruth never homered, Wade Boggs never climbed onto a horse, and Jeffrey Maier didn't catch Jeet's home run over the outstretched glove of Tony Tarasco. Those things happened at a place called Yankee Stadium. For $29.99, you can still purchase crystalized filth from it. Our park is turning three.

Think of it like members of the Bush family. We used to play in Yankee H.W. Stadium. Now, we play in Yankee W. Stadium. Oh, the ghosts that haunt this field...

Minka ditched Jake for Jeet

2012-01-13T09:12:00.000-05:00

They say the best trades are the ones we never make.

How dare we complain about AJ Burnett? Bug Selig makes $25 million a year

2012-01-13T06:42:00.000-05:00

Somebody journalized it, because MLB sure didn't slap it in a news release. USA Today (yesterday) reported that Bug Selig - master negotiator that he is - wheedled down his next choice for MLB commissioner - himself - to a measily $25 million a year.

He'll be 80 when his new two-year deal ends. Why settle for two? He could have held out for ten! Good grief, he could croak on a laxative bar and who would know? Aids could freeze the corpse and Weekend-At-Bernies him through the All-Star break, which is the only time he comes out in public anyway. Who would guess?

In take-home pay, Bug is on a roll. His new $25 million represents a jump of about 25 percent in the last three years. He is finally receiving proper respect - Arod money, Pujols money, Selig money! The other day, I did some bathtub math and figured the Bud the Rug raked in $250 million since 1992, when he became commish. Fuck me. What a joke: He probably cashed a cool $400 million. Make no mistake: This guy is a supervillain.

Of course, the public spin is that he's responsible for all the good things in baseball. He works his tail off, doing things like... um... making rulings. And giving his one interview a year. And selecting the biggest toadie to give the his one annual interview to. And serving as official mascot for the All-Star game! And posing for his statue. He must work 80 hours a week, 52 weeks a year.

Heyyyyy, kids, let's do some math! If you make $25 million a year - by golly, your weekly paycheck comes to $481,000! And working 80 per week, that's a $6,000 per hour wage. Bug doesn't take a pee without his blackberry. He turns down the heat in his office. He phones people from his limo. He never buys women. He works his rug off.

Twenty five million per year.

Meanwhile, we Yankee fans are supposed to support the austerity plan to cut the team budget? The players are making too much money?

That's the line throughout the Yankiverse this winter. And I thank all the bloggers - you know who you are - for buying into the concept that we must spend less... We can't afford to keep shelling out money for pitchers. Nope, the Yankees must save their money...

Friends, Romans, Yankeemen, lend me your Pinstripes.

The owners are taking us for a ride. They are putting into effect a de facto salary cap by levying overwhelming taxes on rich teams - (while simultaneously arguing that higher taxes on the rich will ruin America.)

They want to deYankify the Yankees and bring an NFL-style parity to baseball. It's all about capping salaries. And we're supposed to go along with it? We're supposed to say, "Oohhhh, we can't afford that player! The Yankees have no money."

Dammit, we're Yankee fans. Since when do we care about money? This is the last bastion of make-believe wealth in America: When you're a Yankee fan, you are a millionaire. We're supposed to be obsessed with winning the World Series - not showing how cheap we can be.

Since when do the Miami Marlins outspend us?

Does anyone really think the owners are scraping for money when Bug Selig is paid $25 million a year?

How can we ever again complain about Kei Igawa, or Arod, or anybody?

Tebow next for Katy Perry? (And Arod not even on the B-list?)

2012-01-12T20:59:00.001-05:00

America's heavyweight champion females, Lady Gaga and Katy Perry, represent opposite DNA pools of the culture war.

The stories go that Katy sprang from humble, spit-on-shoe-leather, Jesus-praising loins, while Lady smoked Turkish weed with the trans/gay/lesbi hordes from Hell, or Sojo. Men don't even know what they look like. Gaga wears masks, and guys are too busy staring at the Tickle-Me-Elmos six inches below Katy's chin. A Gaga birther movement once claimed she has a penis. Bottom line: they're both battier than a trailered roach.

When Katy married the godless, scrawny, English wormboy, Russell Brand, everybody knew she'd debone him like Madonna breaking Sean Penn's yokes. Last week, they broke up. Now, it's getting fun.

Katy's mom and pop have talked up the kind of Christian super-eugenics breeding project that nearly put Ricardo Montoban in control of the Starship Enterprise. They'll mate her with prayer stud Tim Tebow, destined to be the future Bruce Jenner of his generation. It would be easy to do. Just lock them in a barn with a blanket, slop bucket and a few Davey and Goliath videos. The Bible Belt will have its response to Jay-Z and Beyonce!

'Katy’s mom firmly believes the best cure for heartache is to quickly fall in love again… In her mind, Tebow is the perfect guy for her daughter," some anonymous source told the Daily Mail. 'He’s handsome, charming, intelligent and above all, a good Christian.'

So much for Arod climbing aboard the Katymobile. (He also recently lost his chance to take Drew Barrymore off the board; she's engaged.) Word is that Alex and his pro wrestler lady now double-date with George Clooney and his pro wrestler lady. WTF with pro wrestlers? Jeet's with Minka. Gaga just kissed Shorty Bloomberg. Katy is the only free agent out there. Can the Yankees even make her an offer?

Well, God has always shined His light on one person here. Not Tebow, though. Russell Brand. That guy skated. He pulled a Lou: He's the luckiest man on the face of the earth.

Honk, if you love teases

2012-01-12T15:15:00.001-05:00

The author is a Cubs fan. Nevertheless, the latest adventure of Rex Koko, Private Clown, "Honk Honk, My Darling," can now be had.

Voted 2001 Book of the Year, Nontraditional Fiction, by the Chicago Writers Association.

Andruw Jones named Yankee December Employee of the Month

2012-01-12T15:05:00.000-05:00

Congratulations, Druw.

Yankeetorial: Hoo-Ray! Bud Selig has graciously decided to stay

2012-01-12T05:53:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, MLB Commissioner Bud Selig signed himself to a new two-year deal. Ever the crafty negotiator, he probably talked himself down from his original five-year demand. The news report did not say how much money Bud will be paid for his hard work. They seldom do. In America, it’s nobody’s business how much a baseball owner banks. (I refuse to use the word "earn.") The poor owners, we all know, must pay all that money to those greedy players. How do they even get by?

Yep. They're billionaires, pretending to be millionaires, so we will feel sorry for them. And the crazy part is, the media goes along with it.

When utility infielder Jose Dork signs with Tampa, MLB tells the world how much he makes (without mentioning the agent's cut.) Everybody groans about how the rich, uppity player, Jose, who is obviously not worth all that money.

Well, this we know: Under Bud's previous contract, he was making $18.4 million per year. That puts him just behind Derek Jeter, who earns $18.9 million. If Bud were a player, his 2010 salary would rank 22^nd on the all-time highest amount ever paid per season, according to Cot’sBaseball Contracts website.

Bud has run MLB since 1992. If he were paid half his current salary over those first 10 years – that’s $90 million – and then slowly increased his living wage until now, that's at least $250 million, just for riding herd over the hogs. Moreover, he probably hasn't paid for a lunch, cab ride or flight in his last 20 years.

MLB is just another cronism sludgepits that doles out obscene super-payments to slimy CEOs and their nepotistic neophyte shareholders, regardless of performance. When not cashing checks, they're congratulating themselves on a job well done!

Today, the price of a baseball ticket is sickening. The cost of watching on TV is choking local cable systems. Inner cities don't build baseball fields any more. Taxpayers are slowly learning of how they were hoodwinked into funding stadiums, while the government deficits were exploding. MLB is pricing itself out of the American economy. And, of course, it blames those greedy players, especially the ones conveniently named Jose and Manuel.

Yep. Their fault. Even right-minded Yankee fans this winter have been whining about paying high salaries, calling for the team to cut its budget, to bring spending back in line. At the root of this austerity insanity is a secret de facto salary cap -- the kind the owners always wanted but the players union denied. Now, you can feel it creeping back into the sport: The Yankees don't want to be big spenders. Shhh. Don't say "collusion."

Most players' careers last five years or less. In that time period, they must make their fortune. Their salary gets published in the newspaper. Bud Selig’s – surely the most odious figure in sports – gets hushed. Go figure.

Scott Proctor, hearing the name "Joe Torre," has run off to Korea

2012-01-11T13:56:00.000-05:00

Energized by the death of northern dictator Sung Jung Il, Korea has signed the great Yankee Eater of Innings and Master of Demon Fire, Scott Proctor.

We will never again see Commander Scott pile his mitt, uniform and personal toiletries at home plate, douse them with lighter fluid, and turn the pile into a toxic inferno of black smoke, chasing the base hit fairies that had been haunting him.

It seems like yesterday that he was pitching Tampa past Boston and into the post-season.

It seems like a lifetime since he was toiling for Torre. Hope he got a good deal. He always gave everything he had, when not burned out.

One percenter Steinbrothers may forego new compound in Fiji, spend more on team

2012-01-11T07:15:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, Buster Brown-Olney journalized that our nebobs of nepotism, (aka the Yankee braintrust brothers), are thinking about shelling out more money - that's right, cabbage, jack, dough, hoinga, miggnoleenskies - on the team this year.

In the next few days, Hank and Hal Steinbrenner will gather all their toys, servants, horses and tax loopholes in a room - a big room - and compare what they've got with the new arrivals in the Hammacher Schlemmer catalogue. They'll decide if there is anything else in the world they need to buy, aside from peace of mind.

If nothing floats - if they've no need for the Travelers Circulation Enhancing Leg Massager ($39.95) and the Path Illuminating Umbrella ($29.95) - they will pitch some measily thin dimes into the copper kettle, where tattered Yankee fans have stood since November, ringing the bell of charity. The coin will make a clinking sound, and we will say, Why, goodness gracious, we thank you, kindly, Mr. Rockefeller and Mr. Carnegie! Cheerio and begora! Have a great day, young sirs!

Dammit. For three months now, they've been sitting around, Jack Benny and Silas Marner, counting their money while the baseball world attended the Pujols-Darvish Night at the Opera. But wait... it's not that I'm complaining. We've been thrifty. Nothing wrong with thrifty! Thrifty is fine.

Chinzy, though - that's another matter. The Yankees don't need to become chinzy.

Listen: Edwin Jackson is still out there. He went 12-9 last year for the Cards. The world champion St. Louis Cardinals. His character is impeccable. He's young. He wants five years but might take four. His career season may still be ahead of him. He eats innings the way my old Maverick ate oil filters. If we buy him, we buy an extra year of seasoning for Betances and Baneulos, the two remaining Bs. And if Phil Hughes craps his crib, or AJ turns into Nicholas Cage as Ghost Rider 2, at least we don't go down in flames with them.

And for what? For measily pieces of silver? I speeet on your money, gringo. Let's hope the Steinboys do the right thing. If they don't, the Mayans could be right about 2012. Around the time our staff explodes, you better believe the Travelers Circulation Enhancing Leg Massager and the Path Illuminating Umbrella will already be on the curb. SPEND THE MONEY, HANK AND HAL. Your father is watching.

Ten reasons why baseball should adopt the college football BCS format for selecting a champion

2012-01-10T20:23:00.000-05:00

1. Yanks-Redsocks could play in first World Tostitos-Yahoo Series Game!

2. Two-month layoff ensures that all pitchers have ample rest!

3. Teams that run up scores during season earn higher rankings!

4. Jan. 10 championship provides springboard to spring training!

5. Fans love debating who has best team, without ever finding resolution!

6. Every team invited to post-season!

7. Without MLB franchise, Boise State can never be snubbed!

8. Computers are really smart!

9. Nobody cares who wins; it's all about alumni donations!

10. Mets could draw big crowd in first ever Pinstripe Bowl Game!

Bed, Bath and Beyonce

2012-01-10T16:00:00.000-05:00

World celebrates birth of new Yankee fan.

10 gifts for the child who has everything

1. Decent starting rotation

2. Owner willing to shell out for free agents

3. Jeter morning after basket, without night before

4. Lifetime supply of Little Debbie Snack Cakes

5. Duet with John Sterling

6. Never having to endure Redsock championship

7. Visit each Christmas Eve from Randy Levine

8. Record deal

9. Yankee championships, No. 28 through 50

10. Good settlement after mom & dad divorce

When Tubby met Sally

2012-01-10T09:20:00.001-05:00

"Wow," says the Mail Online. "The Yankee slugger and his former pro wrestler girlfriend are physically perfect."

Hmm. I guess that's what passes for eugenic-minded kinkiness in the UK these days. Is Dr. Evil writing captions? Did England ever really did recover from Mick defrocking Marianne Faithful?

Well, it's just another Arod pictoral. By my count, third of the year - which means one every three days. He now leads Jeet, 3-2. Poor guy can't go to the bathroom without a camera clicking from some distant rooftop. These look a bit Google Earthish. Does Rupert Murdoch own drones?

Listen: It's not Arod's hip that we should worry about. It's his head. Nobody can handle this kind of scrutiny. As a Yankee fan, frankly, I don't know what to do. Yes, we can ignore it, pretend it's not happening. That won't help Arod. He's either got to start wearing a burqua or going Russell Crowe on somebody - but that would only make this worse.

But back to central theme: Arod looks in fine shape - if you're 36. Looks to me like a few grounders could take Mookie Wilson bounces on him. He looks sexy to the Goodyear-hipped dingdongs in the Mail newsroom. Anybody does when you're shaped like Benny Hill.

10 Reasons the Yankees passed on Hiroyuki Nakajima

2012-01-10T06:51:00.000-05:00

1. With iron men Jeet and A-Rod, who needs backup?

2. He wanted more than $1 million per year? Who can afford that kind of money!

3. Cool, backhanded way to insult Kei Igawa.

4. Didn't have to fear Redsocks getting him.

5. Still blaming selves for Irabu's suicide.

6. Saving money for big, projected free agent class of 2015.

7. Infielder Eduardo Nunez, over winter, said to be learning to throw.

8. Once we signed Hideki Okajima, was waaaay too confusing.

9. Convoluted attempt to halt Mitt Romney momentum in New Hampshire.

10. George is dead.

Lingkzes

2012-01-09T17:25:00.000-05:00

First pic of Beyonce and JayZ's baby?

Kobe beef.

Gammonites screw Bernie again

2012-01-09T16:53:00.001-05:00

Why stop now? For years, whenever it came to an All-Star ballot, they championed the likes of Darin or Kenny or Grady or anybody in a non-Eastern Time Zone. Today, they added cream pie to the face: Bernie Williams received 55 Hall of Fame votes, about one-third of the total for the immortal Fred McGriff (137).

Bernie barely escaped the 5 percent killshot, a threshhold that cut from future voting the likes of Jeremy Burnitz and Tim Salmon.

I said this before: Someday, 10 Lindsay Lohans from now, people will look back at Joe Torre's Yankee teams, see four World Championships in five years, and wonder WTF? They will look at that wall in Cooperstown, see only Jeet and Mo, and conclude that all those World Series rings just happened on their own - like random molecules in a collider.

If Torre's Yankees played in Cinncinati, they would built an extra wing by now.

10 changes coming if Disney buys the Dodgers

2012-01-09T09:24:00.001-05:00

That's what they're saying: Disney wants the Dodgers. What will it mean?

1. Each loss rationalized as "the cycle of life."

2. Pitchers face two-hour lines to showers.

3. Vin Scully required to call games using Donald Duck voice.

4. Night games played on ice.

5. When opposition hits HR, Jumbotron shows video of Bambi's parents dying.

6. Traded players form Pixar, win multiple championships.

7. Photo snapped of each HR, then sold to player for $25.

8. Dwarf Day.

9. To spook opposing pitcher, crowd sings 400 verses of "It's a Small World After All."

10. First acquisition: Prince Fielder.

We did with Nakajima what we should have done with Darvish

2012-01-09T07:06:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, we learned the Yankees offered Japanese SS Hiroyuki Nakajima a mere $1 million, beer and chips money, which is like offering Meryl Streep the caboose role on Human Centipede 3. Naka said nada, and we hung up. We keep the $2 million fee that would have gone to his plantation owner - I mean team. He'll play another year in Japan, then come over as a regular free agent.

Seems to me, we could have done the same with Yu Darvish.

In fact, we should have. This crappy US-Japan posting system needs to go the way of Windows 98. We'd do Bug Selig a favor if, next time a stud Japanese player sashays down the stairs in his coming out kimono, we bid $100 million for the rights, then send a Christmas card saying, "Next year, amigo."

It would have been especially sweet with Darvish, because it would drill Texas smack in its oil fields. We'd lose nothing, and they would have no replacement for CJ Wilson. They'd hate us. But what's the difference? They hate us now.

Of course, that would be playing hardball, right? That would break the unspoken agreements, eh? We barely even bid on Darvish. Can someone whisper "collusion?"

Hip hip ...

2012-01-08T11:38:00.001-05:00

This whole offseason, the thought of Jorge Posada in a Seattle Mariners or Kansas City Royals uniform was painful. I'm all for players suiting up as long as they can, but the thought of Jorge in anything other than pinstripes was something I didn't want to see. I kept thinking of the lyrics of the Baseball Project song "Long Before My Time" (which is about Sandy Koufax, but, hey, the lyrics still fit).

My mind and body say I'm done,
But something says I must go on.
Conventional wisdom does implore,
You give it all then give some more.
Summer slowly turns to fall,
It's so hard to walk away from it all ...

Jorge

2012-01-08T07:33:00.000-05:00

Beyond the blur of tortured screams and the beating of furniture, most of my greatest memories of the Aaron Boone game have nothing to do with Aaron Boone. I remember Giambi's solo homers, like angry statements from nowhere. I remember Pedro staring into the rafters, wondering WTF?, as he walks to the showers. Most of all, I remember the announcer shouting, "FAIR BALL" on Jorge's bloop into left field, which puts him on second base, pumping his fist, with the game tied and a light finally showing at the end of a tunnel.

Years earlier, I remember monitoring him in Columbus box scores when he played 2B, our future replacement for Steve Sax. One day, they put a C next to his name, the kiss of death for a prospect. They were making him a utility lugnut, not worthy of a regular position. Hah. He showed them.

I remember the first time they announced him as the starting catcher in the All-Star game. Jorge's tiny son, who suffered from a cranial disorder and had already undergone more surgeries than most people do in their lifetimes, burst onto the field in a Yankee uniform. The proud father snatched him up, a backstory too powerful for the network announcers to touch.

Just as Thurman Munson - in the minds of Yankee-haters - was to be always overshadowed by Johnny Bench, so was Georgie in comparisons to Ivan Rodriguez. But we who watched him know the truth: He was every bit as great as IRod. And none of those players owns as many World Series rings.

Lifelong Yankee. Core Four. "George juices one!"

Close your eyes, everybody. It's 2003, and we're down against Boston in the eighth. Pedro looks unstoppable. Tying runs on base. Georgie swings...

Can the NY Giants defy the cynics and suddenly recreate 2007 with another incredible Super Bowl run?

2012-01-07T19:35:00.000-05:00

No.

They can't.

If Arod is not Arod, and Jesus is not Jesus, who hits for us from the right side?

2012-01-07T07:47:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, something John Manuel said in his Baseball America chitchat about the Yankee kiddie corps stung me to the wick of my grok: "The Yankees' lineup really has no reliable RH power aside from A-Rod."

Oy.

He's right.

With or without Minka on his side, Jeet won't hit 20 HRs. Swish? Maybe 10 from the right side. Russell Martin? Nope. Teixeira? Crap shot, considering his overswinging ways. We lost Jorge Posada (for better or worse) and, holy crap, 10 seconds into the deliberative process, we're down to Jesus Montero, Anduw Jones and Eduardo Nunez.

Now, a couple things: We DO have Arod, for now, and Jesus can hit, we think. No sense running to sign Vlad Guererro or Smokey Burgess. But Arod is wearing Drew Carey glasses, and Jesus' big numbers are Scranton-made. What if Arod plays in 90 games, and Jesus is the Second Coming of Ruben... as in Rivera?

Listen: Brian Cashman knows what he's doing. We must have faith in the front office - unless its budget is being squeezed by the Steinbrothers, Mitch McConnell and John Boehner. But right now, I cannot imagine us trading Jesus Montero - even for the big fish - considering what it might mean to our batting order. And when the big lefty goes against the Yankees - when Arod's knee is barking - here is our lineup.

Jeet
Swish
Tex
Robbie (L)
Jones
Grandy (L)
Jesus
Eduardo
Martin

Good hitters top to bottom. But against a lefty, not exactly a crushing middle of the order, am I right?

Cheap Yankee Owners: The poem

2012-01-06T16:43:00.000-05:00

CJ Wilson? Let him go!

Albert Pujols? Just say no!

Darvish, we don't need to win.

George's children, cashing in.

Oswalt says he'd try the East.

Too bad our budget's been decreased.

Prince Fielder's contract we could float,

Unless the kids each want a boat.

Carlos Beltran, rent-to-own?

We don't even touch the phone.

Mark Buerle could fill our arena.

Instead, we re-sign Gus Molina.
.

Edwin Jackson? No, no, no.

So where does all that money go?

Fifteen hundred bucks a seat.

No free agents on our sheet.
.

Meanwhile, bloggers offer praise:

We're stingy, like the Tampa Rays.

Frugality, we beat thy drum.

Kansas City, here we come.

Yankees will turn over 3B to Uncle Todd

2012-01-06T07:47:00.000-05:00

Didn't see this one coming.

In the 1980s, it became a fashionable hypocrisy for movie stars to don fake glasses in public, believing they looked smarter. (Maybe in a few cases, they thought it actually made them smarter.) Brooke "Pretty Baby" Shields did it. Judd "The Breakfast Club" Nelson wore them. Every supermodel or St. Elmo's Fire alumnus owned a pair, like Rubic's Cubes and Wonderbras. It was sort of like Superman, wearing glasses as Clark Kent, and nobody recognizes him. The gods always seek to "pass" among us.

Hence, the above photo, snapped recently at a Lakers game. Sitting between life-faded cougar Stephanie Seymore and somebody's rich and ambitious daughter, Arod resembles Todd DeLuca, the old Bill Murray character in the SNL sketchbook, on the verge of giving Lisa Loopner (Gilda Radner) a noogie. He also looks a bit confused and overwhelmed, like a dad in a sitcom. The two ladies, obviously taking their cue from Arod's intelligence-inducing disguise, must be talking about the Hadron Large Collider's search for dark matter, as outlined on the recent episode of "Nova." Hearing the word, Arod probably said, "Ivan Nova!" Now, they have tuned him out, ignoring the old geezer who cannot see.

The year is a week-old, and Arod has already traveled to Germany for hip treatment and ventured out in public wearing doofus rims. Eric Chavez, come on back.

It's time to take nominations for December Yankee Employee of the Month

2012-01-05T11:05:00.000-05:00

A little late on this. Sorry. I was swept away by the undercurrent of arousal ushered in by the Sexiest Yankee Alive competition.

Potential nominees:

Brian Cashman: We Bought a Zoo
Hal & Hank Steinbrenners: The Descendants
Derek Jeter: War Horse
AJ Burnett: The Boy with the Dragon Tattoo
Alex Rodriguez: The Sitter
John Sterling: Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
Suzyn Waldman: Iron Lady

Vote coming soon.

Yankeetorial: Nada to Nakajima

2012-01-05T06:56:00.001-05:00

Imagine Brian Cashman's holiday joy after winning the rights to Japanese infield lugnut Hiroyki Nakajima. I bet Cash sped to the nearest 7-Eleven, grabbed a twelver of Keystone Butter Malt and shotgunned it in his car, motor running, in a garage closed tighter than Callista Gingrich's knees at a rapper rave. What a steal. Ten million bucks buys you a back-up SS who keeps the Kei Igawa pinstripe legacy alive.

No harm, no foul. Let's throw Hiro back into the river of dancing carp. Let's consider it $10 million found in a paper bag, and let's go buy a pitcher. Oswalt? Kuroda? Nah. How about Edwin Jackson? Offer him four years. Add some incentives. Give him a no-trade; (Hell, nobody trades with us anyway.) Let's put some space between us and Boston.

.
Sign Edwin Jackson, win the 2012 pennant.

I'm trying to be diplomatic here about the Steinboys' new tightwadness. But I don't buy the talking points that they're saving to spend it next year. If anyone thinks the Giants and Phillies will let Matt Cain and Cole Hamel walk out the door, they're crazy. They won World Series with those guys. Besides, if we're cheap now, what will change then?
.
Losing to Boston, I guess.
.
Yes, the Redsocks fell apart last year. They won't in 2012. It would be nice to think that Carl Crawford will bat .260 without speed or power for the rest of his career. What happens when he returns to form? At times, we seem to base our entire strategy on staying one game ahead of Boston. They stand pat, so we follow suit.
.
If the Oakland Oaks were dangling Edwin Jackson in a trade, we would be ranting about what they were demanding: Montero, Betances, Rooney Mara's iron thong and tickets to the Spider Man show. We would say hell, no, too much, never!
.
But dammit, we can sign the guy for money - yes, cabbage, dough, sprizula, igoonies - and keep not only our Yankee prospects, but our treasure trove of female undergarments confiscated from the OCCUPY crackdowns. We can have it all.
.
We have the money, dammit. We just refuse to spend it. Why?

Buffaloes could sign Kei Igawa

2012-01-04T19:31:00.000-05:00

Japan's Orix Buffaloes are chasing Kei Igawa, the king of not only Scranton but Wilkes Barre, whose five-year sentence with us ended Sept. 30.

"If he wants to return to Japan, we are in a position to accept him," said the Orix official. "We still think that he has the power to pitch."

Wasn't there a claim that Kei wants to prove the Yankees wrong and pitch in the majors? It's time to start the bidding, boys.

Duque May Not Have the Prospect Thing Down, But I Do

2012-01-04T15:08:00.002-05:00

I am currently in a southern clime checking out prospects.

Places like the Dominican, Panama, Venezuela and Puerto Rico.

I spend my summers in the dirt fields of Mexico checking out arms, speed and sinkers.

I eat dirt and drink cervesa with tequila, sometimes for days on end.

And when I roll into Tampa for spring training, I know what of I speak.

Some guys I not only spotted but blogged about include:

1. Robertson - When he was first at Tampa, he appeared in the ninth inning of a meaningless game and struck out the side on 9 pitches. I raved and said he was the goods.

2. Nunez- I picked him early as our utility infield guy. I saw he could hit but missed his bad glove. If he becomes an outfielder, I'll be good with that.

3. Nova - Duque told me to zero in on him and I did. Duque was right on. Ivan did not disappoint, not once.

4. Laird - I saw this dude at third two years ago and he had a great glove and arm. Then I learned that he hit well in the minors. With A-rod now taking German testosterone to cure his knee, hips and uncomfortable bowel syndrome, Brandon Laird may get a shot. More likely, he winds up elsewhere. But he'll be good.

5. Noesi - He really impressed every shot he got in spring training, and those opportunities were

too few. He also did well in the Bronx although they undeservedly dumped him back to Scranton

6. That large first baseman - I can't remember his name because we will never see him in the Bronx, but he is a home run machine and fields better than you think he should.

I'll be back in Tampa on March 1 and will tell you the truth about the remaining B's.

For those of you who love to look at my photo and wish me evil, I can't figure out how to download it here in this bean field.

If the Yankees don't make any more moves as stupid as signing that lefty dolt, castoff from Boston we can easily get a wild card. Are they hoping for another Kei Igawa?

Somehow, I don't think Fritz Peterson and Mike Kekich anticipated this

2012-01-04T14:06:00.000-05:00

Ted Haggard and Gary Busey, proving that fame is an addiction more powerful than heroin, are swapping wives.

My recollection is that Peterson won the trade, which also included the family dogs. He's still married to Susan Kekich, and a few years ago, self-published his memoir. I think he got religion.

Kekich didn't last a season with Mrs. Peterson, or the Yankees. He pitched in Japan and is now somewhere in New Mexico - at least that's what Wikipedia says.

What reality TV stars they would have made!

Yankeetorial: Will somebody please end this prospects lists insanity?

2012-01-04T06:14:00.002-05:00

Ruben Rivera.

There, I said the name.

It's all you ever need to know about prospects lists.

Remember the Rube? Ripped his shoulder into jelly during a meaningless season-ender, showboating for the bleacher beauties? Heisted Jeet's glove in spring training? He once made Baseball America's Top 5 - couldn't miss! - with future Hall of Famer Brien Taylor, ranked No. 1. Yeahp. That Ruben Rivera.

Look, it's fun to make lists. It's the essence of 7th grade, ranking the girls you want to bed. Every year, like pimple-faced adolescents, Yankee blogs and commentators write out their lists and then argue how our prospects are getting snubbed on other people's rankings - and it hurts us.

Seriously. The last thing a 17-year-old pitcher needs is a stalker webstite. Do we really believe them mature enough to not read about themselves? Of course they do! They bathe in their ethernet greatness, and the outrage that ESPN did not rank them high enough. Why, there's no respect for Gary Sanchez, dammit! Doesn't matter that he started last season as a dugout diva. Frankly, I wish they'd snub Sanchez altogether on their lists. It wouldn't hurt him.

(Note to Gary Sanchez: Listen kid, Yankee history is littered with bozos who had every ounce of your potential, but burned it in the beer brothels of Binghamton and Columbus. Today, they hand out towels. Maybe you'll make it, maybe not. But trust me on this: God help you if your high point in life turns out to be having been named on a prospects list.)

When we tout minor league teenagers, we're creating major league assholes. We're turning 20 year olds into superstars who rip their shoulders trying to wow the aerobics instructors in the front row.

Wait a minute. One more gripe. Most prospects lists are fake anyway. I've never seen most of these prospects. But my list will look like a real scout's - because it will have the same names: Montero, Bannelos, Betances, etc. I'll sound authoritative. But I'm not. It's just a big Yankee-bloating lie.

Ruben Rivera. That's what all those lists were doing: Rubin' Rivera.

Jeet, Minka, caught in French liplock

2012-01-03T17:28:00.000-05:00

For starters, let's forget about the fact that they're smooching in public. If anybody doubts that el Capitan is a hooked trout, consider this: He is touring art museums with her.

That's right, comrades. St. Jetersburg is about to have a new sheriff.

Shhhh, just listen, and you can hear it... Tisch. Tisch. Tisch. (And I am not referring to any part-owner of the New York Giants.) It's over.

See those planes, kid? It wasn't those planes that brought down the beast. It was beauty that killed the beast.

Yankeetorial: Has the GOP taken over the Yankiverse?

2012-01-03T06:38:00.000-05:00

Here's the scenario: You're shipwrecked on an island. One native, Theo, has a cooler full of beer - real beer, not the microbrewery crapola with berry flavor. He extracts an icy brown bottle - Matt Garza Lager - and offers it to you for your firstborn child, named Jesus. Another native pulls out Edwin Jackson Ale, which you can have for that garbage bag full of waterlogged cash. What to do? Trade your legacy - or the soggy paper, which is useless on this island, because there are no stores.

That's us, the Yankees. We need a second starter. Should we trade our future (the prospects) or our past (the cash)? The answer should be obvious.

But lately, it's as if Mitch McConnell is running the Yankiverse.

Go to any Yankee blog, and you'll hear how the Yankees must be frugal, must cut payroll to avoid the dreaded luxury tax, must get below the salary cap (Yep, that's what it is, a de facto salary cap) - and MUST fall in line with the KC Royals and Pittsburgh Pirates. We just can't afford Roy Oswalt. We just can't afford Hiroki Kuroda. They'll cost too much money -- in luxury tax!

WTF? Why are we, Yankee fans, worrying about Hank and Hal Steinbrenner's opportunities to bank more personal money? When did that become our objective? Do we want a pennant, or for them to buy another boat? If the Yankees must pay a luxury tax, so what? Since when is it more important to be cheap than to win the pennant?

Which brings me to Edwin Jackson.

He went 12-9 last year for the World Champion Cardinals. He's 28. He threw 199 innings. He's ready for New York. To get him, we do not have to sacrifice our first-born child. We merely dip into the garbage bag of money - ridiculous paper money - which comes from tickets that cost $1,500 a seat.

Listen: Sign Edwin Jackson, and we win the 2012 AL East.

Folks, it's that simple. Sign Jackson, win the Division.

It's right there. Sign him, and we put a sizeable gap between us and the rest of the AL East. Be cheap, and we'll end up paying more in July anyway. The only thing holding us back is our willingness to be Mitch McConnell - to do whatever it takes to avoid a luxury tax... so Hank and Hal will have more money, and we have fewer wins.

Sign Edwin Jackson, and we win the Division.

Luxury tax? So what? It's money. Trust me: The Steinbrothers will have plenty left over to buy the microbrewery crapola - even with the berry flavoring. (I'm figuring Hal likes it, but not Hank.) Get out the bag of money, Yankees. And fellow bloggers - yes, I love you all - but if your goal as a fan is to save the owner money, pick a secondary team and make it the Milwaukee Brewers.

Predictions for 2012

2012-01-02T09:39:00.000-05:00

1. Derek Jeter and Minka Kelly will stun the world by announcing they are married. Immediately, the street value of an unopened, authentic Derek Jeter keepsake swag basket, traditionally provided to certain ladies (along with a morning-after pill) on their triumphant ride home, will soar to $100,000 in Steiner Collectables online auctions.

2. John Sterling will unveil a new home run call for Jesus Montero, scrapping his unpopular "Jesus is loose" for an obscure 1950s Broadway show tune reference. Unfortunately, it is impossible to predict this line, because only Sterling will remember the show and recognize the connection.

3. Arod will continue in his heroic quest to bed all of post-WWII Hollywood - aiming for Drew Barrymore - to close the file forever on the horrible "Fever Pitch" movie, which celebrated the 2004 Redsocks' miracle season. Barrymore will elude him - his barking knee and hip will cost him at least 30 tallies - he will score Katy Perry, an event that will be signified by his dayglow blue hair.

4. Attempting to recreate the austerity Colon-Garcia purchases of 2011, Brian Cashman in early February will sign pitchers Tom Glavine and Pedro Martinez to incentive-based contracts. Each will throw 200 innings and anchor the rotation. Unfortunately, Pedro will be banned from MLB after it is revealed that, via illegal surgery, he had an 18-year-old's arm grafted onto his frame.

5. Curtis Granderson will cure cancer. He will render it unto the world for free, saving millions of lives. Unfortunately, his batting average will dip to .240, and he will be booed.

6. Nick Swisher will become a regular on the MTV hit reality show "Jersey Shore," where he will be known as "Zip Code," because he seems to inhabit his own private one. He will develop a hilarious catchphrase: "That's why I don't wear Chap-Stik!"

7. After recording his first save of 2012, Mariano Rivera will reveal that surgery on his vocal chords has given him the voice of Marge Simpson.

8. The Redsocks, thanks to a disciplinary crackdown by Bobby Valentine, will win 130 games and sweep the post-season en route to the World Championship. But it will all prove to be a dream. Only a dream.

Best things written in 2012

2012-01-01T10:32:00.000-05:00

Bruce's eulogy of Clarence. Make sure you have a Kleenex.

Times' profile of The Master. Goes high and far to make the catch.

John Sterling voted Sexiest Yankee Alive

2012-01-01T10:22:00.004-05:00

With hours to go, it's Yogi v. John for SEXIEST YANKEE ALIVE honor.

2011-12-31T08:02:00.000-05:00

This morning, the Master held the lead.

Voting ends tonight. Meanwhile, take the Sexiest Yankee quiz:

"It aint over 'till it's..."

a) Soup.
b) Miller Time!
c) 2012.

"It's like (--) vu all over again."

a) peeka-
b) parley-
c) Scooby

"Nobody goes there anymore. It's..."

a) the lice.
b) the coming End of Times.
c) Chicago.

Send canned food to Hal and Hank Steinbrenner

2011-12-30T06:44:00.000-05:00

It's that time of year when good Americans do what they can to help the less fortunate among us. And judging by their recent pockets-pulled appearance, the social welfare of Hal and Hank Steinbrenner should be center stage in the prayers of Yankee fans everywhere in 2012.

They had no money for Yu , the IRS, or any big name free agents (beyond the Gus Molina threshold)this winter. Supposedly, they're not even going to bid on the Cuban superstar, Human Centepedes, or the Japanese sensation, Hiroki Kuroda. Do they have money to eat? Are they selling their vinyl album collections ("Smoke on the Water," "We Built This City on Rock n' Roll") for sticks of wood that will heat their cookfires? Are the Yankee owners living hand to mouth in dirty hobo jungles, eating their former race horses and running from the billy clubs of marading cops like lice fleeing a flame?

Friends, this holiday season, when Yankee fans in North Korea are mourning the loss of Fearless Leader, let's try to keep Hank, Hal, Lonn and Levine in our hearts. Canned food might not seem like much, but when you consider the plate of beans that the Redsocks just traded to Oakland for Andrew Bailey, it can make a difference!

Friends, there is a time when basic concern over the human condition must trump all our hopes and dreams for the coming baseball season. And that time is now. The Yankee owners need your help.

Check the expiration dates and send canned food to:

Yankee Owners Relief Fund
Yankee Stadium
East 161st Street
The Bronx, NYC 10451-2100

Yankee fans mourn death of Kim Jung Il

2011-12-29T10:40:00.000-05:00

Just months after sending Moamar Ghaddafi to his ultimate showers, Yankee fans are back in the international spotlight. Yesterday, the entire world saw a cuddly North Korean boy mourn the death of supreme pooh bah Kim Jung Il, while wearing a Yankee cap.

Did you notice it, Redsock fans? A Yankee cap. Not a Mets cap. Not Hello Kitty, Twilight: Breaking Dawn or even The X Factor. A Yankee cap.

The child is obviously of high intelligence and superior discipline, presented to the world as proof of North Korean progress. He looks respectful, thoughtful, wise - yet with a glint of revolutionary spirit and compassion - attributes commonly associated with Yankee fans.

Not a Cubs cap. A Yankee cap.

When the free world needed someone to plug Moamar G, it turned to Yankee fans. And now, the bridge to a future free and open North Korea taking shape - unfortunately, moreso than our rotation.

Yogi, John, Tino, Gator, battling for Sexiest Yankee Alive

2011-12-29T06:31:00.002-05:00

It's all in the look.

Some Yankees have it.

Some Yankees don't.

Yes, Lenn Sakata and Colter Bean - hot as they may have been as 15-year-old cabana boys - just didn't make the cut for the First Annual Sexiest Yankee Alive poll (or pole, get it? haha.)

Last we looked, John Sterling and Yogi Berra are leading the wolfpack in the Final Confrontation of pure, rampant, musk-scented, felony-grade Yankiness. The winner will be crowned Jan. 1.

A-Rod to receive enhanced A-Rod blood

2011-12-28T06:55:00.000-05:00

An A-Balm for A-Rod? Alexander the Great coagulates again?

Hilarity aside, the idea that Alex is dashing off to Germany, the land of lugers, to get his own re-spun blood squirted into a barking knee - based on the advice of famed microsurgeon Kobe Bryant - doesn't exactly inspire hope for 2012. Why?

a) His knee is bad enough to need it.

b) If A-Rod tries to frootch a fraulein, he'll get his bash bashed in.

c) If the German therapy worked, Bartolo Colon would have already tried it.

There is, however, one hopeful scenario:

The Russian KGB, seeking to plant a spy in America, will kidnap A-Rod and replace him with a younger, highly-trained lookalike. The secret agent will hit .290 with 30 home runs, and send back to his masters at the Kremlin detailed sketches of the great Jeet estate.

Yankeetorial: Georgie deserves justice

2011-12-27T06:22:00.001-05:00

Amid the Kardashian wedding-level celebrations regarding our re-signing of Gus Molina, one news byte seems to have evaded the Yankiverse radar: Jorge Posada is mulling offers from enemy teams.

Jorge doesn't want to retire, God love'm. Who can blame him? For six months last year, the Yankee brass wouldn't let him catch; then injuries neutered us, so he donned the mask and did the job. For eight months, the writers buried his hitting; then he became our best bat in the playoffs. Remember the terrible night when Girardi batted him in a pitcher's slot? Jorge pulled himself from the lineup, then ate shit for a month, just to defuse the spat. Now, we tell him to take a hike, thanks for the memories, Georgie old pal, HEY LOOK, GUS MOLINA! Yeah, right.

Listen: Nobody worth keeping retires gracefully. The best ones leave clawing tiles off the floor. David Wells and David Cone - the bastards - signed with Boston. Bernie boycotted Old Timers Day. Even now, Roger Clemens is lifting weights, dreaming of his return. (Is Ricky Henderson still with Newark?) Nobody quits. The great ones believe in themselves, long after everybody says goodbye.

So Jorge is mulling offers. Well, here's a question for Mr. Cashman:

WTF, man? Does your phone work? Do we let a lifetime Yankee - perhaps the best managing prospect among the recent generation - go out as a Tampa Ray? Are there no coaching positions, announcing positions, Reggie Jackson positions - missionary positions - available for a Core Four member?

Yeesh, if the Yankees were Rutgers football, Jorge already would be on the payroll, handshaking the alumni. Come on, Yankees: This is not the retirement of David Justice. This is Jorge. Georgie needs justice. Make him an offer. Nobody wants him hitting for the Mets.

On New Year's Eve, we will crown the Sexiest Yankee Alive

2011-12-26T07:14:00.000-05:00

You elected them. Now it's time to separate the man from the boys.

The Fine Four

T-No

Gator

Lawrence

Johnny

Do you hear what I hear

2011-12-25T19:46:00.000-05:00

Message to Santa: 2011

2011-12-25T07:24:00.002-05:00

Lingk

2011-12-24T23:40:00.000-05:00

Top 10 ways Yanks C-brate C-Maz

Stairway to Christmas

2011-12-24T20:55:00.000-05:00