Sunday, July 2, 2017

Glengirardi Glen Ross

Everybody here? Siddown, assholes. Fuck this. I'm not waiting. Hey, you! Yeah, tall guy, throws in slow-motion. Put. That rosin bag. Down. You heard me! PUT THE FUCKING ROSIN BAG DOWN! That rosin bag is not for you. That rosin bag is for closers. What? You think I'm fucking with you? I'm not fucking with you! You call yourself a reliever? Fuck you, you son of a bitch! Fuck you!

I'm here from Downtown, as a favor from Hal and Randy. They are fucking sick and tired of all the shit that's been piling up in this bullpen. And I got some good news: You're all fucking fired! Yeah, you too, Miss Havana. And you, Dr. Beaker. Who the fuck conjured up the ghost of Kyle Farnsworth? Get the hell out! You're all fired. The bad news? You've got a week to win back your jobs. Starting with today. Starting with fucking today, you twats! 

Oh, do I have your attention now, ladies? Cause I'm adding a little something to this week's closer contest. First price is the Mariano Rivera legacy. Second prize is a fucking Scott Proctor bobble-head and a one-way bus ticket to Scranton. You fucking hear me now? You laughing now? Because after all this bullshit, all these shitting years, we finally got leads. Hal and Randy, they paid good money, good fucking money, to get these leads. But leads are for closers! You fucking hear me, assholes? If you can't close on them, you aren't worth shit to us! PUT THAT ROSIN BAGE DOWN, GODDAMMOT!

What did you say? The leads are weak? Fuck you. There's nothing wrong with these leads. Huh? Who am I? What's my name? "Fuck you" is my name. You know why? You're sitting here in a shower room. I'm in my luxury box. I can change the channel and go into my private kitchen and make a tuna sandwich, while you're sweating into your filthy jockstrap. That's my fucking name! If you can't play in a man's game, if you can't close, then go home and tell your wife your troubles, because I don't fucking care about them. Only one thing matters in this game: Throw strikes. Get them out. Close the fucking game. It's A-B-C... ALWAYS. BE. CLOSING.  

Do I have your attention? Cause right now, it's fuck or walk. Close, or head to Pennsylvania. Get the fuck out there. We got good prospects coming in. You think they came here for the sunshine? They came to get the fuck out of Trenton. They're waiting down there, looking to take your job. Are you gonna let them? Are you man enough to close?

You see this rosin bag? This rosin bag costs more than your wife. That's who I am, pally. What? You're a nice guy? I don't give a shit. A good father? Fuck you. Go home and play with your kids. You wanna pitch here? CLOSE! You think I'm abusive? You think this is abuse, you cocksucker? You can't take this, how can you win with the game on the line! Get mad, you sons of bitches. You wanna know what it's like to win a world series? It takes BRASS FUCKING BALLS!

The pennant is out there, gents. These are the new leads. These are great leads, solid leads, and if you want to be worthy of them, go out today and close, close, CLOSE, GODDAMMOT, CLOSE! But if you can't close, you're gonna be shining Jose Altuve's shoes. You'll be a bunch of losers, sitting on the team bus, watching Tampa Bay creep ahead of you, and let me answer that one question on your minds, boys. Why am I here? I'm here because Hal and Randy asked me for a favor. They wanted me to talk with you. I told them the real favor would be to just fire your fucking asses. Because losers are losers! And if you can't close, YOU ARE FUCKING LOSERS!

4 comments:

Urban Farmer formerly known as Dutchfan said...

I wish this movie was as well known out here as it is (presumably) in the US, because this piece of art deserves a worldwide audience. An audience that is in the know.

I just watched the original clip and read these lines simultaneously. I must say, best baseball movie ever!

Thank you!

Anonymous said...

MY FAVORITE POST OF THE YEAR.
IT HAS THE FINGER ON THE PULSE OF ALL OF OUR RAGE LATELY.

Joe Formerlyof Brooklyn said...


A masterpiece! Both the scene in the movie and the more recent contribution...

Alphonso said...

Duque,

If this Dutch guy was a student of yours, he would bring you shiny apples every day and tell you how much he enjoys learning from you.

My movies always wind up with a bunch of filthy guys shuffling around in a circle, out in the New Mexico desert, shooting each other.

Note to Dutch person; that movie ( Glen Garry Glenn Ross ) doesn't "play" in Holland, because you don't have houses covered in aluminum siding. You make them from real materials. So they look nice.

Only in America do we have people whose jobs are centered around ," selling shiny fake things that people don't need or want."

Just a thought.