Excerpts from The Bill O'Reilly Baseball Abstract

"I went into the Mets clubhouse after last night's game, escorted by my good friend Pepe Somethinorother, and the Latinos were showering, just like white guys, and you wouldn't even know they were Spanish, unless you gave a listen. I mean, nobody was dancing or flashing their blades. They were just like you and me, except that when they talk, they said, "Habla, habla, habla." It's amazing."

*

"Had a chance to sit down with the Red Sox Japanese superstar, Dice-K. Nobody knows his real name, but that's OK, he likes it that way. I gave him hand-gestures, and he smiled. And you know what? I completely trust him. He's not going to do a Pearl Harbor thing on me. I'd let him drive my car. He's a nice guy. It was great."

*

"Who is going to win the World Series? The Yankees, and I'll tell you why: Derek Jeter. Is he white or black? Nobody knows. And nobody cares. He's got the mixed blood. And next to him is Arod. Is he Latino or white? See what I mean? And they're just like Al Sharpton and me. Sure, we rib each other, but he's never called me a motherfucker. We're best of pals."