My Interview in Tampa

Stubby, Hal, Brian, Sir... Thank you for inviting me here and considering me for Yankee manager.

Simply put, here is what I will do.

1. Let Arod walk. He has the love and loyalty of New York. If he doesn't value it, "So long, Al! Our new 3B is a guy named Derek Jeter. Here's your going-away gifts: earplugs and a vest."

2. Sign Jorge and Mariano. Yanks for life. Yankees! For! Life!

3. Send Mussina, Giambi and Abreu packing. Eat contracts, seduce wives, whatever you gotta do. Wish 'em the best. Not their fault.

4. For once in your miserable, stinking, self-centered lives, think about the team TWO YEARS FROM NOW. (That's 2009 to you, Stubby.) You'll be in the new park. Guess what? Everybody will hate it. The fans will miss Yankee Stadium. Across New York, one question will echo: What the hell was wrong with Yankee Stadium? (Rudy Giuliani had better run for President now, because once people see his stadium, he will become a reviled Yankee presence -- as will you guys.)

Unless you field a great 2009 team, a really great team, the Yanks will lose New York to the Mets (whose fans will shed no tears for Shea Stadium), New England to the Redsocks (who will add more tiers of $500 "working man" seats), and the future to the past (which will be remembered in Yankee Stadium.)

As Yankee skipper...

I promise not to burn out young arms in a meaningless pennant drive.

I promise to find a long-term position for Derek Jeter.

I promise to find somebody who can come off the bench and steal a frickin' base.

And most importantly, I promise to come in third and get fired, thus saving your butts along with the franchise known as the New York Yankees.