YANKEETORIAL: Open Letter to Bud Selig

Dear Madam or Sir,
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A cancer threatens our precious sport.
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The fans.
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They sit all day in their pantaloonies, burping and complaining, bringing nothing of substance to the game. Nothing. Of. Substance.
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Nothng.
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Mr. Commissioner, ban them.
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For too long, they've gotten a free ride. The press rips players and managers, but views fans as sacred cows, when in fact they are barnyard cows.
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FACT: Who invented steroids, and where do they come from? Fans.
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FACT: Last year, the slow and obese Barry Bonds somehow ended up named to the Major League All-Star game. Who voted him in? Fans.
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FACT: In 2003, a sociopath named Steve Bartman ruined the National League playoffs, causing an iron-willed reliever named Kyle Farnsworth to temporarily lose control, walk the bases loaded and give up a bases clearing double, ending the Cubs’ chance to win. It clearly wasn’t Farnworth’s fault. He’s not that kind. It was Bartman… a fan.
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FACT: Lee Harvey Oswald. John Wayne Gacy. Jeffrey Dahmer. Lindsay Lohan… Fans.
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FACT: Recently, the former Tampa Bay Devil Rays were forced to change their great tradition and drop "Devil" from their name because of Satanic fears by... fans.
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Mr. Commissioner, send a message to humanity: YOU ARE GONE.
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We hereby demand that Major League Baseball seek an immediate Order of Protection against all fans, requiring them to maintain a distance of at least 200 yards from every athletic facility during the period in which a baseball event is underway or in preparation.
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Let the world know that Major League Baseball will not tolerate mediocrity, the Tampa Bay Rays notwithstanding.