The State of the Yankees Address

Mr. Steinbrenner, Little Steinbrenners, Sportswriters, Players, Wives, Groupies, Suits, Fans, Hangers-on...

Today, the Yankees stand at the crossroads of Heaven and Hell.

For seven years, we have sent our best and brightest off to fight for other teams, while we became mired in a long, hard slog that drained our spirits.

We spent more than any other team, yet rising powers like the Tigers, Marlins, Angels and Redsocks (booing) -- yes, the Redsocks (louder booing) -- replaced us as the envy of the world.

We recently let go the greatest Yankee manager in modern history, Joe Torre (applause)...

The greatest Yankee player in modern history, Don Mattingly (applause)...

And the most beloved centerfielder in recent Yankee history, Bernie Williams (applause)...

Yankee icons. And they are gone. GONE! (Booing)

Our current firstbaseman is Wilson Betemit. (Groans) Our rotation includes three rookie starters. Carl Pavano (shouting, booing) is still in pinstripes. We still have nobody to get the ball to Mariano Rivera, who is 38.

IT IS TIME FOR CHANGE. (Applause).

We cannot keep trading youth for age. (Applause).

We cannot continue the failed policies of recent years. (Applause.)

But let's be realistic. We are in a recession. (Booing) To try and forestall it with trades and free agent signings would be a grave mistake. We'll numb the pain but continue the path, which has led to our current plight.

THIS... WE... MUST... NOT... DO! (Applause)

For the first time since 1993, our farm system is bursting with fruit. (Applause.) Joba Chamberlain! (Applause) Phil Hughes. (Applause) Ian Kennedy. (Applause) Austin Jackson. (Applause) JESUS MONTERO! (Wild applause, shouts of 'Amen!')

Yes, a Yankee savior is coming!

Tabata is coming! (Applause) Brackman is coming! (Applause) Horne! (Applause) Betances! (Applause) Melancon! (Applause) Humberto! (Applause)

Look past the month of March! Look past the problems of April! Look to July! (Applause) LOOK BEYOND THE ALL-STAR BREAK! (Applause.)

IF WE HOLD ON, WE WILL RISE AGAIN! (Shouting)

WE WILL DESTROY ALL WHO OPPOSE US! (Gun shots ringing out.)

WE WILL DEFEAT OUR ENEMIES! (Police sirens, fighting)

WE WILL AGAIN RULE THE WORLD! (Explosions. End of transmission. Cue the canned Cokie Roberts analysis. )