SECRET TESTIMONY OF BRIAN MCNAMEE BEFORE CONGRESS

STAFF: Please state your name.

WITNESS: Brian McNamee.

STAFF: Thank you for coming, Mr. McNamee. You brought something for us?

WITNESS: Yes, sir. These are some of the most cherished items from my Roger Clemens Memorabilia Collection.

This is an official Roger Clemens DNA-autographed beer can that the great Yankee pitcher crushed on his forehead in 2001 while high on HGH. I'll never forget the moment. We were celebrating the clotting of his butt wound, following a particularly difficult injection, and Roger spontaneously pressed the beer can to his head and said, "Bri, take this can in rememberance of me."

STAFF: And those cotton puffs?

WITNESS: Oh, yes. These are genuine Roger Clemens Butt Swabs, each containing microscopic filiments of Johnson's Baby Powder, linseed oil, skin mites and future Hall-of-Famer blood cells, painstakingingly gathered by hand from the pillowy seams of the great hurler's rear. These are valued at over $1,000 apiece. Each comes in its own ziplock bag.

In a couple of these, I moved the swab in a way that -- as you can see -- has the darker particles recreating the "NY" logo. Those are valued at $10,000 apiece.

STAFF: Wow. You can see the NY logo! That's incredible.

WITNESS: Thank you. I always felt they would go to Cooperstown. Roger and I used to joke about that. We called it Pooperstown. That's a HGH-butt joke.

STAFF: And the needles?

WITNESS: Oh, yes. These are the official Roger Clemens Juicing Implements, used to pierce and fortify the great Yankee fireballer in 2001. These are not duplicates. There is actually real Roger Clemens detritus on the points. This is where history was made.

STAFF: Is that it?

WITNESS: Not at all. This is just a taste of some of the exotic artifacts and treasures that comprise The Brian McNamee Baseball Collection.

I have authentic roach clips, condoms, G-strings, underwear, kleenexs with dried whatnot, candy wrappers, dental floss, Hooters napkins and perspiration salt harvested from some of the greatest ballplayers that ever lived. This is the public's chance to connect with these great stars on a truly micro level.

Tomorrow, I will be appearing with the great Bucky Dent, from 10 a.m. to noon at the Bass Pro Shops Sportsman's Center, Fingerlakes Mall, in Aurelius, NY. I'm hoping that-

STAFF: Uh, thank you, sir, no further questions.