SECRET TRANSCRIPT OF ANDY PETTITTE IN CONGRESS

CONGRESSIONAL STAFF: Please state your name.

WITNESS: Andrew E. Petitte.

STAFF: And how is that spelled?

WITNESS: Four T’s.

STAFF: Wait a minute. Four t’s? Are you sure?

WITNESS: P-e-t-t-i-t-t-e.

STAFF: That's funny. I’d swear I’ve seen it spelled with three T’s.

WITNESS: It’s four.

STAFF: Wow. You ever encounter misspellings?

WITNESS: Occasionally.

STAFF: Does it make you angry?

WITNESS: No. I try to remember what the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ would do in such situations, and I forgive.

STAFF: Four t’s. You know, I’ve seen it with three. Are you sure it’s not three?

WITNESS: P-e-t-t-i-t-t-e.

STAFF: OK, fine. If you want to be huffy, Mr. P-e-t-t-t-t-i-t-t-i-t, let’s get down to business. ARE YOU NOW OR HAVE YOU EVER BEEN HIGH ON PERFORMANCE ENHANCING DRUGS?

Well?

You’re staring at me. Is that your answer? You’re covering your mouth with your hands, and you're giving me the hard stare.

Let the record show the witness is staring in at me, hard, and shaking his head slightly.

You are boring in on me. Are you trying to make me back off?

Let the record show that the witness is holding his hands over his mouth, so that all I can see are his eyes, and he is boring on me, hard, and he is nodding slightly, as if he intends to throw something at my head.

Let the... uhm, well… hey! Look at the time! I’ve think we’ve covered the ground we hoped to cover. No further questions.