Alphonso Verbal Grapefruit Report: What's Really Happening in Tampa

Dear readers.....

After 26 hours of fine eats at Hooters, we made it over to Legends for the game against the ever poopular Houston Astros.

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And let's get the ugly business over with early; no , Rocket was not there. Although there was a concession stand called, " Rocket Boosters " where they appeared to be selling lemondade dispensed through rather large needles for $4 a pop.

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Legends field is deteriorating.

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Here are the major complaints:
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1. The PA system is only audible when running pre-recorded advertisements encouraging us to eat chips with cheese spread. When a new player comes into the game, he is either ignored or you can't hear the PA. Personally, I think the guy is blasted on martinis and can't remember to turn on the mike. Also, the LED screen went dark at the 5th inning when all the regulars were out of the game.

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2. As to the Yankees: Not a pretty picture. The star of the game was Brett Gardner. Two hits... including a triple where he motored like no one we have seen since H. Bush. He also threw a guy out at the plate.

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MO's debut was flawless. Andy was OK. Edwar went 1/3, but didn't impress. Hawkins sucks...write him off. Steve White is worse ( Randy Johnson is still hurting us.) Bruney got in trouble and then got out....what else is new? Veras is pathetic. And some dude named Phillips pitched pretty well. (Sidebar for El Duque: who the hell is he?)

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(El Duque response: Haven't a clue. Future mayor of Scranton maybe.)

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As to the offense: Jason Lane looked good and Ensberg looked good. Shelly D. had his worst day... bad fielding; poor hitting; no high fives. Action Jackson looks like a ballplayer... but maybe more suited for NFL Giants. A bit out of control, but he is young. Derek way out in front of the ball and 0-3. Same for Jorge. Melky looks good. Cano looks good.

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The Attorney General played quality SS and got a base hit. Wilson Betemit clobbered HR over RF wall and played good "D" at 3rd. Looks like he is a pound or two slimmer from last year.

Some interesting performances by no names: Cody Ransom made great defensive play at 3rd. Some guy named Porter 2-2 but lost "a can of corn" fly ball in clouds playing LF.

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Some guy named Curtis made great running catch in gap playing RF, and nearly made an even better one later in the game.

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Here was a surprise: Guys with high numbers on their jerseys came out post-game and ran sprints from 1st to 3rd and back...and back...and back.

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Lastly: back-up catcher named Pilitere has no arm at all... I think they stole 4 bases off him. Don't know what we'll get today. Without Jesus, what is spring training? And without Jesus, we have no back up catching after Jose Molina... who looked good.