Stingless no more, Joe Maddon’s Tramplin' Tampons are on the verge of bringing the Grapefruit Pennant Flag to the long-suffering Ray Nation.
Despite Sunday's tough loss to Cinncinati, in which nobody puked blood, the Big Ray Machine stands 7-2 on the March march, maintaining a 1-game lead (2 in the loss column!) over the Johan-juiced Mets.
If he can avoid the dreaded post-St. Patty Day swoon, Maddon is a lock for Grapefruit Manager of the Year, having coaxed fullbacks like Elliot Johnson to pancake opposing catchers -- the Tampa Bay Level Rays? – and play Grapefruiters the way they should be played... to win... even if the games end in ties.
Hell, it's not that you never ever not try to not not-injure another player. That's Rayball, godammit.
Hell, we at IT IS HIGH will knock down our own gramma if she's trying to turn a DP, knowing she'll understand, instead of whining like some second-division aunt or uncle, who thinks we should come in standing up with cheap flowers and a box of chocolates. Hell, you lower your shoulder and aim for the old bird’s kneecap, so the snap resonates into the upper deck, and when the geez wakes up, she’ll know she raised you right! And you better believe Granny'll stand and cheer (hell, oxygen makes her gritty!) when you wave to her from high atop the 2006 recycled Orange Bowl float, parading along the Tamiami Trail of Heroes, celebrating the Grapefruit Crown to the joyous Tamponian throngs of rapidly reddening snowbirds who just returned from daytripping to the Sarasota Jungle Gardens & South Venice Flea Market.
Ahhhhhh, but don't start the celebration yet, Tampa. Nooooooo, sir. We’re 3 out with 3 weeks left. It’s gut-check time at Legends Field, and furnace-bellied Shelley "Slam" Duncan is stoking a fire inside Team Girardi. You can run us over. You can have Zim charge us. You can make the all-Maddon team. It ain't over.
We got three games with Tampa left this month. Then, in the final week of play, the Raysters face a tough 3-games with Cinncinati.
Hold onto your hats, baseball world. This spring pennant race is going to the wire. The Impossible Grapefruit Dream Rays are for real. Get in their way, and they'll run you over.
After all... it's March.
Both of my grandmothers are deceased but I would knock them down in a heartbeat; probably their last.
ReplyDeletePop Quiz:
ReplyDeleteLast week, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays reminded Yankee fans that they, too, play in the Eastern Division of the American League. In addition to the Rays, Yankees and Boston Red Sox, can you name the two other teams that play in the AL East?
wahhhhhh... sounds like Joe Girardi's whining.
ReplyDeleteDear Anonymous
ReplyDeleteThank you for thinking of us.
Due to the large volume of mail we receive, we find it impossible to respond to each and every letter from fans. But rest assured, we read them all and hope someday to be able to write back with the kind of personal message that you deserve.
Until then, all the best.
IT IS HIGH
I'm so glad that socks fans come here to visit (question: should we call them "stockings"? no.)
ReplyDeleteThey have the loser mentality and are defeated even when they win. Their obsession with the YANKEES and their fans is truly pathetic.
But we are kind and generous, and they are always welcome here. We will help fulfill their psychological needs.
Curt Schilling for Vice President!
ReplyDeletePosts like this are the reason why this is my favorite blog ever.
ReplyDelete