Exclusive: The Secret Lilith Plot to Destroy A-Rod and Mankind

Kiss it goodbye: Cin-Rod is divorcing A-Rod due to infidelity, failure to produce in the clutch and meaningless long balls.

That's the official story of the Rods.

This is the true story.

The key is Madonna. Three weeks ago, we wrongfully assumed she would chase Jeet, because, hey, he's Captain. If the lust winds blew her to New York, we hoped she'd settle for a Carlos Delgato or maybe Shelley Duncan.

Wishful thinking.

Through seduction, physical charm and the intense sprinkling of cash, we have uncovered a plot of global proportions:

Eight months ago, the ultrasecret World Womyn Posse Comateatis gathered in its underground lair, somewhere beneath the Amazon River. There, the four-member Lilith Council -- Gloria Steinham (spring), Oprah Winfrey (fall), Laura Bush (winter) and Jenna Jamison (summer) -- told the cleaved assembly that Alex Rodriguez was on course to become the greatest home run hitter in the history of man.

A-Rod's quest, if successful, would engourge male egos -- and genitalia -- across the globe, keeping the burlier sex in geopolitical power another 10,000 years.

Thus, A-Rod -- baseball's most beloved Seabiscuit -- had to be put down.

They debated strategies. One called upon former First Yankee Fan Hillary Clinton to become President, take up jazzercize, then seduce A-Rod in the Lincoln Bedroom. Well, she's still on course for Delgato or Shelley Duncan. Other plans included the rouge contract assassin, Paris Hilton, the genetically-created Olsen Twins (born with the extra eyeshadow gene), and the atomic powered Williams sister tennis robots.

The Council selected Madonna, a superstar songstress, writer of children's books, adopter of African orphans, gym rat and the most feared killer of men since Delilah, the root word for Delight.

She crushed A-Rod's marriage in the palm of her mighty hands.

Now, she is going to take down A-Rod and the Yankees, one by one, until she not only destroyed Jeet, but Cashman the Pure and the entire Steinbrenner clan.

This is the greatest threat to man since invention of the bikini.

Gentlemen, we are under attack.

We are calling upon Jeet to step up to the plate, hold a man-to-man, another team meeting, if necessary. This is the time to circle the wagons. Time for the Buddy System.

Cin-Rod is gone. We must hold the line at Mad-Rod.