Exclusive: Transcript of Yesterday's Yank Brass Meeting in Tampa

NOTE: Top Yank officials Thursday met behind closed doors in the Fortress of Tampa to discuss trades and acquisitions for the key stretch drive, which begins any day. At considerable expense, IIH, IIF, IIc has obtained a partial transcript of the session, recorded by a courageous operative who -- for obvious reasons of personal safety -- must remain nameless.

What you are about to read is the most detailed glimpse of the Yankee braintrust in recent memory. Text follows...



CASHMAN: ... that's right, two pepperoni with onion, one with everything, and garlic clumps. We were supposed to get three dozen garlic clumps.


HANK: He forgot the garlic clumps?

CASHMAN: We have the garlic clumps. It's $55.90. Anybody got money?

HANK: Uhhh, I'm tapped.


OLD MALE VOICE: You're always tapped.


HANK: Aww, pop.


CASHMAN: Look, wait a minute. I'll call Stick. He's always got money. OK, where were we? Barry Bonds.


OLD MAN VOICE: Sign him. I know his dad.


CASHMAN: Uhh, look, he's a left-handed DH. If we sign Bonds, that's three left-handed DHs, with Johnny and Jason, plus Hideki, if he comes back, so it just seems-


OLD MAN VOICE: Sign him. I know his dad.


CASHMAN: Ooooooo-kay. Umm, Hank?


HANK: Goob garlic clumps. Hal, you got money?


HAL: I'm tapped.

OLD MAN VOICE: Is Bobby Bonilla available?


CASHMAN: No. But you know who is? Jared Washburn! He's pitching well lately. He's costing Seattle $10 million. They want to cut him loose.


OLD MAN VOICE: Washburn. Is he Ray Washburn's boy?


HANK: Would they really take Igawa?


LOUD BEEPING SOUND.


HAL: Hank, what have you done! We're not supposed to say that name! He's going into cardiac arrest! DAD, DAD, DAD!


CASHMAN: CALL A DOCTOR, CALL NINE ONE ONE!


HANK: Pizza Guy, we need to use your pizzamobile to get a doctor. Pop, pop, please, I didn't mean it! I was kidding!

BEEPING SOUND STOPS.

CASHMAN: He's coming around! Thank God. I think he's OK.

HANK: Pop, pop, calm down.

HAL: I think he's OK.


HANK: OK, look, Pizza Man. What you've seen here... wait a minute. You're not the pizza man. You're recording this! Take off that fake beard! ABRAHAM, YOU SONOVABICH! TURN THAT OFF! DAMMIT. YOU'RE WORSE THAN IGAWA! I MEAN, NOOOOOOO-

LOUD BEEPING SOUND RESUMES. (END OF TAPE.)