In search of bats, Yanks Looking to Sign Everybody in World Except Barry Bonds

Supposedly, we're thinking about signing Richie Sexon, the tallest position player in MLB history. (The .218 version.)

Remember Dave Kingman, Jose Canseco, John Mayberry, Ron Kittle, et al.

Yeahp. That's where we're headed.

Older and slower.

Yesterday, we signed Eric Milton. It was our second time.

Last week, we signed Ben Broussard. Our second time.

Two weeks ago, we signed Sidney Ponson. Second time.

Older and slower.

We're looking at Victor Zambrano. We're pondering Freddy Garcia. If Ethel Merman were alive, we'd be working her out at the Tampa complex.

OK, let's be straight here: This is the old-fashioned beating of the bushes. Who knew Sidney Ponson would give us two good outings? And every Yank fan dreams of a vast feeder network of all-stars, to be slotted in at a moment's notice to replace a regular. Zambrano? Why not? Garcia? Of course.

Remember: Cleveland told us they would only accept Joba and Cano for CC Sabathia. Then then peddled him to Milwaukee for a prospect. That's how it's going to be for trades: One offer to the Yankees, one to everybody else.

But how old and how slow can we get?

This kid at Scranton, Daniel McCutchen, has thrown 2 shutouts in his last six starts. He's 25. He's from the University of Oklahoma. He's in his third year of pro ball. He's a horse.

If we plop Zambrano or Garcia into the rotation -- hell, there are people on acid who think Carl Pavano will come back -- does McCutchen ever get a shot? Do Ian Kennedy and Phil Hughes? JB Cox? Mark Melancon? The Mexican guy, Aceves?

And what about Brett Gardner? OK, he's not exactly lighting it up in the batters box, but look at him on the basepaths. He is an automatic 9th inning stolen base.

If we sign Richie Sexon -- well, -- do the math.

Older and slower.