NEW YORK _ Ailing Yank catcher Jorge Posada will forego shoulder surgery for now in order to try alternative cures, including St. John's Wort, royal jelly, leeches and extract from the wonder plant, ginkgo biloba.
Posada is currently staying in a secret pyramid, which focuses thought rays through cured beefstake on his troubled labium.
After discussions with his doctor (pictured, above), Posada will forego aroma therapy, as an unproven method.
"Throughout the month of May, we had plenty of aroma," Yank son owner Hank Steinbrenner told reporters. "Hell, if this were last year, we'd send him to Andy Pettitte's dad. These days, he's off the grid, so we're going for scientifically proven miracle cures. And I'll tell you, there is good stuff out there. I'm using that FlowMax, and it's made me a new man. You should see my stream. I can hit the bowl from the free throw line. I tell you, Giambi can't even write his name in a snowbank, and I could deliver the Gettysburg Address. It's given me a new lease on life and, what the? Abraham, are you taping this? Jesus Christ, turn that goddam thin-"
Talks with healer/evangelist Pat Robertson ended Wednesday, when the Reverend announced that he would not say the word "labium" in prayers, because it sounded dirty, and he didn't want God to be embarrassed.
If FlowMax works for Hank, then I know it will work for me!
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