Pope Benedict XVI Baseball Watch : Pontiff Denounces Cub Trade

Dateline; July 9th. The Vatican:

PONTIFF OFFENDED BY CHICAGO TRIBUNE HEADLINE THAT, " CUBS GOT HARDEN FROM ATHLETICS. "

Early today, Pope Benedict XVI expressed his personal outrage at learning that the distinguished Cubs organization was publically flounting a level of physical excitement from Athletics.

" Athletics have many virtues," saith the Papal press release, " but any level of erotic pleasure associated with, or derived from, such activities is against our teachings, and those of Solomon as well. "

The Pope has maintained for years that religious doctrine approves pre-procreative activities as the exclusive right of men and a women living in a marital homes, tents, condos, FEMA trailers or palaces. Furthermore, it has long been the Vatican's position that anything involving physical stimulation should be clandestine and secret.

" There is no Biblical justification or rationale whereby Hardens may come to anyone, or any team, simply from Athletics. And It is not appropriate for ballplayers at all.

It is tough enough as things are, to hit a fastball moving at 95 miles per hour. I would think any other type of distraction at such a decisive moment would be dangerous, not to mention distracting, illegal and immoral. "

Adding a final note of concern, the Papal message read,

" We have the Olympics about to begin in China, and I would hate to think that the thousands of stong, virile, well conditioned young athletes participating in this competition, on the world's greatest stage, in front of millions of viewers would, or could possibly......... " ( statement incomplete, as we lost our cell-phone connection ).

Editorial note: Due to an inherent weakness in our interpreter's ability to translate Latin , it is possible that some nuances may have been mis-stated in today's communication from Vatican Square.