World Court, Mitchell Commission, Supreme Court to Review Attack on Youk, Injustice to Lowell, Cruelty to Ellsbury

THE HAGUE _ World leaders convened a special summit early Saturday to discuss a series of horrorific crimes committed Friday against innocent Redsock players and fans, causing thousands to weep as they gamely sang the words to "Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond.

Most inhumanly painful was the complete bastardization of justice that allowed little Mike Lowell to strike out on what Redsock Nation officials unanimously agreed was ball four, a pitch so dangerously inside that it could have wounded many bystanders. Across the country and throughout the globe, little children went to bed without supper, the ketsup having dried on their ceremonial socks, praying to the frozen head of Ted Williams, as they wondered for the first time why God had forsaken them... that is, if God exists.

As he hopped around, jackrabbiting his discontent and pogoing until he could pogo no more, Little Mike was beyond words. And who could blame him! He had been hideously denied a rightful base on balls, and the Redsock nation, its rightful victory.

"If we value our systems of law, this must not stand!" declared former U.S. Senator George Mitchell, whose investigation of New York baseball teams last year won praise from all corners of the Harvard Club. "It is time to re-establish the Mitchell Commission and re-investigate the Yankees. I'm not sure what they're up to, but my senatorial senate sense is tingling, and I know they're up to no good. If we can haul them into court and, say, break one of their personal trainers, get him to roll over, we can stop them."

Adding to Mitchell's ire was an uprovoked -- no, make that an unspeakably horrible and unprovoked -- attack on Major League Baseball's most beloved curmudgeon, Kevin "The Yook" Youkilis.

Mitchell and other Redsock team directors were at a complete loss to explain why such an ambassador of good will as "Yook" could be targeted for a frontal lobe beaning. He dismissed the notion that Yankee pitchers were throwing inside as a response to their own high numbers of hit batsmen in recent years.

"That's immaterial," Mitchell said. "It was a terror attack! It was a brazen attempt at assassination. It was -- oh, I'm so mad I could scream! I think I will scream. AGUUUG. Wait a minute. Are you taping this? GODDAMMIT, ABRAHAM, TURN THAT FUC-"

In other news, GOP Presidential hopeful John McCain again challenged Barack Obama to admit the Yankee surge has worked and the 2008 pennant race is over.

Obama, speaking from London, said it's July and too early to award the pennant, an assertion that McCain ridiculed.

Talking to reporters from a Pittsburgh deli, where he addressed a crowd of more than 20, McCain said Obama knows he is wrong, and the Yankees have won, but he's afraid to admit it, because it will make George W. Bush look good for having once being friends with Alex Rodriguez, until Madonna got to him.