Yankeetorial: We Must Tighten Security and Maintain the Watch Fires for Our Enemies Are More Dangerous than Ever

To the Yankiverse:

I am fear-blogging from paradise, unable to vacation fully due to the signing cease fire -- not one in the last week - and the sense that we will grow flabby from the constant masturbatory rethinking of our order (... oohh, Cano batting sixth, or Matsui, ahhhhh...?) Believe me: The Kansas City Royals fans are not sitting at home pleasuring themselves about who will bat third!

Go to Redsock terror sites -- I won't link for fear of driving up their commercial value -- and you'll see a simmering, festering, almost Christmassy giddiness that some gigantic trade is soon to come. They're planning to get Roy Halladay. They think the next great star in the heavens is someone named Lars Anderson. They're in their frathouses, poking pins into AJ Burnett dolls, and spitting wine coolers onto our likenesses.

Now is not the time to celebrate having won the 2009 World Series.

Bolted upright in my sleep with inner terror, I jotted down these notes, which I offer verbatim.

1. Feeeagents. (Translation: There are no more free agents worth sucking up to, unless we're talking about a Cody Ransom to compete with Cody Ransom.)

2. Htrrrrrrrrrrade. (We must prepare to outbid the Redsocks on any trade. I'm talking Halladay here. Before he hits the market, Theo Epstein will try to shoplift him. The Redsocks long ago built a wing in their Hall of Fame for Jacoby Ellsbury; they'd trade the bum in a heartbeat. They are starting to hype prospects in the way we've done -- (which is a good sign for us; hyping prospects is the best way to kill them.) But we have to be able to outbid them: Start with Swisher, add Melky, Kennedy and go from there.)

3. Important: Ga.. (Unfortunately, I cannot remember this thought. But I do believe it was critical. Damn.)

Filed over coffee in less than eight minutes.

el duque