Guest Blogger Keith Olbermann: An Open Letter to John Sterling

Sir:

Heavy weighs the heart that bears this message.

But we are a nation under economic seige. Men are out of work. Women are increasingly cranky. Children go to bed at night uncertain that, when they get up in the morning, they will still be alive.

It means cutbacks in our lives.

Each of us must sacrifice something precious, as a show of solidarity with the strange, endangered species that we call "humanity."

For you, Sir, the Win Warbles must shorten.

Last year, you set a new record. On Aug. 28, your Sterl Hurl -- "Ballgame over. Yankees win. Thuuuuuuuuuh Yankees win." -- ran an incredible 7.94 seconds. It was the greatest moment in a season of torment.

It's no overstatement to say your Win Warbles are one of the defining acts of humanity thus far achieved in the new millenium. If anything, it's an understatement.

That's why this message is so difficult.

Sir! When our economy was a vibrant young buck strolling down the boardwalk in a wifebeater-T and tight jeans, your Win Warbles lit the very wicks of our souls.

But now, we are fat and craggy and mired in a toothless recession, and it is time for you -- and each of us -- to temper our joy over contests of manhood.

After a Yankee victory, you must look inside yourself to the good person that you are -- the impetuous lover of show tunes and vagaries of the game -- and not break your record.

Sir, think of that Royals fan... listening at home, chewing on his knuckles, hand cupped over the electric radio to get reception... he's jobless, hopeless, balding, slightly retarded, and without shoes, huddling with his children to stay warm and perhaps satisfy some kinky sexual thing... He does not deserve to sit through an 8-second Win Warble.

You, Sir, must change the warble. How about this:

"Ballgame over! Struggle continues! Yankees win. And all us will somedaaaaay... win!"

In these tough times, our nation must come together. Sir, you are the catalyst to launch that healing process. You, Sir, must downsize your warble.

Good night, and goooooooood luck.