Poetry Corner: Let's Sign Old Jason Varitek!

We’ll pass on Mr. Pedro,
No bids for Derek Lowe.
They claim that Schilling’s healthy.
We just say let him go.

There’s only one guy out there
That we’d like to posses.
Let’s sign old Jason Varitek,
And make him wear a dress.

We do not need Big Papi,
His feet are full of lead.
And if we pick up Youkilis,
Who’ll fling balls at his head?

There’s only one free agent
Who’d bring us shock and awe,
Let’s sign old Jason Varitek,
Then fit him for his bra.

We’ll make him take his clothes off,
Then climb a tall oak tree.
We’ll make him cry on Oprah.
We'll make him drink his pee.

We’ll make him scream foul insults
At saintly, Catholic nuns.
We’ll pay him to embezzle cash
From all the Jimmy Funds.

We’ll give him extra money
Just to ruin Theo’s life,
We’ll send him on a three-month cruise
With Johnny Pesky’s wife.

We’ll make him swim the Hudson,
Until he starts to faint,
We’ll pay him to reveal the truth:
Curt Schilling used red paint.

We do not need Pedroia,
He’s won his last award.
Let’s sign old Jason Varitek,
Then use the waterboard!