Yankeetorial: At $17 million a year, Bud Selig has done the impossible: He makes Pavano look like a bargain

At last, we know what seventeen million dollars a year can buy.

An oil can.

Case in point, the Commissioner of Major League Baseball... a job so incomprehensibly meaningless and devoid of morality that George W. Bush is said to be next in line for it.

Exactly what does the MLB Commissioner do?

Well... he commissions. He commissions the All-Star Game, the World Series, the sport's steady loss of innocence, while protecting its corruption with the zeal of a mother bear watching her cubs.

And... uhm... you know, the administrative, day-to-day, humdrum, nuts and bolts crapola... commissioner paperwork! Yeah! That's the ticket. Bowie Selig must have to read memos.

He has desktop clacker balls, a bobblehead of himself and a fold-out couch with electric blanket and forced-air sleep-breathing aparatus. I bet he has a big computer but can't turn it on. I bet he hides cookies in a drawer and tries on mood rugs for different visitors. He calls in his secretary and says, "Miss Bixley, take a letter: Dear Senator Bunning, and so on and so forth, looking forward to the weekend, I'll bring chili."

Did I mention that he laments the loss of innocence? Because he does... while preparing his big day.

July 2. THE DAY BASEBALL TEAMS SIGN SIGN 16-YEAR OLD LATINO BOYS, BECAUSE THE $17 MILLION COMMISSIONER IS TOO GREEDY, DUMB AND MORALLY SENILE TO GIVE A DAMN.

Yes, that's the day Commissioner Hairpiece earns his pay and historical legacy. Certainly, his job every July 2 is to carefully check the testicles of Latino boys to make sure that no 12 or 14-year-olds slip through the tight security net. That would be morally wrong. At 12 through 15, they're too young for a pro contract. Thanks to Bowie Selig, and his concern for Latino families and social structure, the little ones get tossed back into the pond until next year, when they're 16 and ready to turn pro.

Did I mention that the Commissioner must lament the game's loss of innocence?

Seventeen million dollars a year...

Can we ever complain about ARod's pay again?