Open Letter to Manny: It's time to follow your dream and become a Yankee

(Note to readers: Email this, post print outs of it in public restrooms, rent portable sound-systems and read it aloud while driving posh neighborhoods; it is critical that Mr. Ramirez reads this today. His future -- our future -- depends upon it.)

Dear Mr. Ramirez:

Face it. The Dodgers are lying.

Last August, they happily climbed upon your back and whipped your flanks into the post-season froth. Now, they pat your head and smile, while chistling away at your rightful pay and seeking to suck the financial marrow from your bones.

Did you read what Joe wrote about his old Yankees?

Sir, he will do it to you.

They lie. Know why? Because down inside, they're nothing more than West Coast Redsocks. They scheme. They monger rumors. They cheat.

There is one team the Dodgers hate. It's the team that Redsocks hate. It's the team you always wanted to play for.

You know the team.

Today, now, this very moment... as primal economic forces swirl in the stratosphere... it is time, Sir, for you to take control of your life:

Tell the world that you will play the 2009 season for one team and one team only: the New York Yankees... and to prove your intergrity and end the cycle of greed... that you will play the year for $1.

Yes, Sir, one dollar. (With incentives.)

By doing so, you will break the backs of the Hollywood schemers and dog-thankers, the Boston frat pimps and their pressbox laptop lapdogs.

You will follow your destiny and join the team that values you -- and fights the evil schemes of Redsocks and Dodgers everywhere.

One dollar. They'll never again call you greedy.

One dollar. (With incentives. How about, if we win the 2009 World Series, $20 million?)

One dollar.

Sir, call a news conference.

Tell the world that a new age is here.

Tell the world you are your own master.

Tell the world you will not play for schemers.

Tell the world you're coming home!