Sports Illustrated calls for jihad against Yankees

OK, folks, the final 2009 script has been proofed and sent to the printers.

It stars the lovable Detroit Tigers, who are facing the evil villains from the East. Us. The bad guys. Yes, in the minds of Sports Illustrated readers everywhere, America's Cinderella Tigers -- representing The City that Money Forgot -- will face off against the ruthless Satans of Wall Street. Us.

You know who's really going to take this to heart? Joe Buck. Face it, folks. He is not going to give us any calls at home plate. A ball, outside? Sure looked like a strike. Ball the line? Foul. And God help us all if the umps make a mistake that helps Girardi's Germs of Pure Evil.

Face it, Yankiverse. We'll play the bad guys, the Snidely Whiplashes, the Magnetos, the Draculas who sucked CC Sabathia, AJ Burnett and Mark Teixtiera from the small market teams -- you know: California and Boston -- that sought to lovingly lowball them. By game three of the opening round, we'll be the most hated collection of masculinity since -- well -- the current Dallas Cowboys, (but that's an unfair comparison, because last time I checked, even George Steinbrenner hadn't come up with the idea of selling 30,000 tickets to people who can't even see the game, and then trying to woo them with cage dancers. Now THAT'S evil. But Sports Illustrated seemed to like it, didn't they?)

Expect an ugly post-season. And keep this in mind: We have one option: Win.