Does the Mayan Calendar predict Earth ending, Cubs winning, in 2012?

Answer: Yes.

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The Mayans were the greatest scientists the world has ever known. They invented tortillas and time-sharing beachfront property. They perfected special glasses that widened their faces, allowing them to swin underwater and make fish think they were one of them.

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Mayan astronomers, using enhanced lenses made from corn, discovered the planet Nibiru, which is hurtling toward Earth at the speed of light. It will hit Philadelphia at the precise end of the Mayan calendar: during the MLB winter meetings of December 21, 2012 -- as the owners celebrate the championship of the Chicago Cubs.

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Doomsday.

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Mayan folklorists and poets, most notably Maya Angelou, have predicted that the first sign of this impending cataclysm will be the arrival of The Three Bleached Foreskin Chicagoans, a prophesy that was once believed to be mere myth. The first whitened face is believed to be Michael Jackson. The second was Barack Obama, metaphorically, as he moved to a moderate political stance. Most recently, photos of Sammy Sosa's pale face have confirmed the death spiral.

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What does this mean?

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Simple. It is time to trade the prospects for Roy Halladay.