Come morning, we run downstairs to find the floor littered with strikeouts -- too many to count! (Though 170 is the current Bill James projection.) Yes, some sportswriter, maybe encouraged by Stubby Steinbrenner in a nicotine frenzy, says the Yanks might sign Mike Cameron.
The jubilation spreads throughout the Yankiverse like a viral photo of Britney Spears taking a dump. Quick! Put on the Pet Shop Boys! We're getting Danny Tartabull and Ron Kittle and going back to the 80's!
Yes, The Team That Wants to Get Younger might sign a 36-year-old CF who bats .220 and strikes out .300. Good guy, though. If the hammy holds, he can replace Hideki and Johnny! Forget that we have three CFs -- Melky, Gards and A-Jax -- let's snag a fourth! For $8 mill. Oldest CF in baseball. And 170 strikeouts!
Wait. Tony Womack! Is he available!
Please.
Me? I am a simple man.
I work the fields. I come home.
I ask for little.
I am begging you.
I am on my knees, typing.
Sign John Lackey. Please.
IF WE SIGN JOHN LACKEY, WE WILL WIN THE 2010 WORLD SERIES. WHAT ARE WE AFRAID OF? THAT MLB WILL CLAIM WE BUY THE PENNANT? THEY ALREADY SAY THAT! ARE WE AFRAID THEY'LL CHANGE REVENUE-SHARING? THEY'LL DO WHATEVER THEY'RE GOING TO DO. YOU CAN BE SMART, OR YOU CAN BE STUPID. SIGNING JOHN LACKEY IS SMART. SIGNING MIKE CAMERON IS STUPID. WE WILL KICK OURSELVES 170 TIMES NEXT SEASON, AND WE WILL WONDER WHAT IN GOD'S NAME WE WERE THINKING WHEN WE REPLACED DAMON AND MATSUI WITH A FORMER MET WHO HITS .200. SIGN JOHN LACKEY. SIGN JOHN LACKEY. SIGN JOHN LACKEY.
Please.
I'm starting to get the feeling you want them to sign John Lackey.
ReplyDeleteMike Cameron is a monstrous upgrade over Melky; he'd be worth the cost. This is just like Swisher in the spring; didn't you guys totally fucking hate him? And he had a great year.
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