Obama, taking cue from Cashman, to announce spending freeze tonight

SAYS NATION CANNOT AFFORD GOLD-PLATED HEALTH CARE PLAN AND WILL SIGN REED JOHNSON INSTEAD

Other elements of the President's State of the Union message, leaked to IT IS HIGH, include:

1. Vow to shore up left-leaning offense by signing more hitters who veer to the right.

2. Claim that Yankee fans will embrace stances of Javier Vazquez, even though they denounced him in 2008.

3. Argue that war against Boston will end in July 2011, though field general Girardi says this is impossible.

4. Denounce growing movement of radical fans who place all faith in Jesus Montero.

5. Announce plans to retire Jeter and Mariano in 2012.

6. Introduce new Arod girlfriend, sitting beside Michelle in gallery.

7. Discuss recent Supreme Court decision to allow corporate luxury boxes on playing field.

8. Announce Kei Igawa relief mission to Haiti.

9. Unveil new administration spokesman, John Sterling.

10. Admit recent mistakes, such as nation's failure to sign John Lackey.