Fearing fists of Dallas Braden, Yankees to forfeit future games against Oakland

New York _ Rather than face certain injuries to their veteran lineup, due to slashing-Tiger-hidden-Marlin ninja pitcher Dallas Braden, the Yankees announced Saturday that they will forfeit remaining games on their 2010 schedule against Oakland.

"We've considered the threat, and it's too dangerous," Yankee general manager Brian Cashman told reporters. "A brisk wind might blow somebody's DNA onto Braden's pitching mound, breaking his unwritten rule of territoriality, setting him off like Uma Thurman in "Kill Bill I," or maybe "Kill Bill II," too. We wouldn't stand a chance. It's better to just let him have the wins and go our separate ways."

Braden, contacted in Oakland, where he was defending a tree house from rodent spray contracters, said the forfeit made him "angrier than ever" at Alex Rodriguez and the Yankees.

"Goddammot, they fukinay pithmeoff!" he said. "They just broke another unwritten rule: Never forfeit after touching a pitcher mound. Never."

As Braden spoke, he held reporters and authorities at bay by brandishing what appeared to be a plate of lasagna, which he claimed was a homemade nuclear device.

"Here's the rule. You touch my mound, I kill you. You hear? You blow air across my mound, I kill you. Understand? The Yankees will fear Dallas like John F. Kennedy should have feared Dallas. Anybody laugh at that joke, I kill you."