The first game ever broadcast in 3D will be 5-D... if you add the voices of John & Suzyn, driven by Jeep

Get the glasses and fill your hash pipe now. The first 3D baseball games ever broadcast will pit the Yankees against Seattle July 10 and 11. Derek Jeter will reach from your flat screen to eat the Cheetos from the bowl in your lap. For once, it will be worth paying $4,500 for an appliance that heretofore could only serve wide-angle views of Snookie's cleavage, a/k/a the Jersey Shore's continental shelf.

But why have the lords of the Loews Broadcast Booth failed to incorporate 360-degree SurroundSound for John & Suzyn's carnivals of the airwaves? Do not their vocalizations -- which long ago became the voices of Jesus and Satan inside our heads -- deserve high-tech wizardry?

When John introduces the Little Debbie 7th Inning Recap, shouldn't we feel the presence of that bubbly nymphette, in her plaid schoolgirl skirt, tugging at our elbows for an instant replay?

What do we want? SurroundSound for Yankee broadcasts! How else will we feel safe and secure?