In today's Rupert Reamer, Joel "the Mole" Sherman -- best beater covering the Yankees, one friend constantly tells me -- says we are about to close on Cliff Lee... and Jesus of Wilkes-Barreth is about to become Montero the Mariner.
...The Yanks were definitely making the strongest move last night, coming from seeming disinterest into the clear front-runner and last night it seemed they were all but certain to obtain the 31-year-old lefty...
By betraying Jesus, and becoming Cliff-divers, we will have 5.5 starters, considering that Phil Hughes is now on a Cycle 1 innings diet.
Thus, it will free up Cash to flip Javier Vazquez and a package of steak knives to Philadelphia for Jason Werth, which gives us four outfielders, considering that all-star Swish is too fluid to be a DH.
Thus, it will free up Cash to flip Curtis "Not Very Grandish" Granderson and a handful of magic beans to somebody for a closer -- does Washington even bother to have one? -- in case Marinano falters, or at least who can secure the eighth inning with a 4-run lead.
Thus, it will free up Cash to flip Joba and an ouce of decent weed to Baltimore for Ty Wiggington, who can back us up at four positions and mow the lawns with intricate crop circle symbols designed to send messages into outer space.
Thus, it will free up Cash to send Ramiro Pena, Eddie Flotsom and Jose Jetsom to Pittsburgh, because we are required by secret MLB bylaws to cut a deal with the Pirates every July, to remind the baseball world that that team exists.
That frees up Cash to elevate Austin Romine to Scranton and tell everybody that Jesus was never our One True Messiah, and we can start the whole 2,000-year search all over again, this time focusing on Gary Sanchez, who is hitting well in the Gulf Coast League, or the next 16-year-old Latino who has been raised by a pharmacist and is already into his second marriage. And then...
Zambrano.
Thus, the new wild man in the clubhouse will free up Arod to drop Cameron Diaz and bed Drew Barrymore -- who will end the 2010 season sitting with Jimmy Fallon in the Guiliani seats, clad head-to-toe in Yankee swag, with hair like Oscar Gamble, recreating the mush scene from "Fever Pitch" as Yankeefans.
You read it here first.
If we're going to trade for him at least do it BEFORE we have to face him. Damn.
ReplyDeleteWait, will Carlos Zambrano be on our bench, in our pen, or a starter?
ReplyDeleteBrilliant!!
ReplyDeleteIs that pronounced ho-say het-som? JOHN STERLING! will be the first to tell you, Hetsom's really lighting up Scranton-WB. And will the Yanks be able to retain their claim Larry Leavings, Gary Goings and Ronaldo Runouttatown? Even more: can the Yanks possibly do an end run around Miami and still sign this LeBron guy? We want all the stars in the sports universe.
ReplyDelete