Red October: Youk vows to be back by Halloween

Recalibrate your Magic 8-Ball, MLB oddsmakers! Youk "Superthumb" Youkilis says he hopes to be back in Redsock blue by late October, just in time for Game 7 of the Series.  

Says Alex Rotoworld:

Youkilis hasn't been told that this scenario is actually a possibility by doctors. Bottom line, if the Red Sox manage to make the playoffs, seeing Youkilis would be a bonus.

Bonus, indeed! October wouldn't be October without those Youkian cries of "Why me?" after a 95-mph brick finds the sweet spot along his ribcage. Speaking of ribs, we might miss Jake Ellsbury, too.

But Youk isn't the comeback planner.

Lance Berkman, the Burly Workman: Mr. Astro will be walking gingerly in his Thom McCanns until Sept. 1, as he balloons toward 300-pounds, becoming the most-plunkable Yankee batter since Paul O'Neill's right hip patrolled the strike zone. Look for him back by Labor Day.

Tony Hayward: His life restored, the Golden Tone probably won't be surfing BP's flaming coastlines until next Mardi Gras, where he's penciled in to lead the first annual all-you-can eat Shrimp & Pelican fest, sponsored by Exxon. Be there or be square.

Beltway Joe Biden: The White House expects him back from soundproof underground bunker "sometime after Election Day." No further details.

Pedro Martinez: Make no mistake. This dwarf-loving midge has not retired! Pedro is now looking at a 2012 return date for the lucky team willing to bet he'll still have gas in his ever-expanding tank.

Octomom: Currently on disabled list with groin issues, the potent Lady of the Leak plans to pill-up for EggFest 2011, her quest for a double-digit delivery. If she someday fields a starting nine, let's hope she names one of them "Youk." Short for yoke.