Tonight, Chlamydia goes to war against Herpes; Six outcomes we need...

Tonight...

North Korea vs. Iran.

Lindsay vs. Paris.

Phlegm vs. Lymph.

Frankly, with our current rotation, it's hard to imagine beating either of these teams. Hopefully, they can drop the nuclear bomb on each other and mutually self-destruct. Here's what we need.

1. Tampa to sweep: Yeah, we'll fall out of first, but a sweep would have Boston wobbling like a plate on a stick in a Cub Scout talent show. Screw Tampa, but let's ditch the Redsocks ASAP. Otherwise, we have to play those three final games of the season in a broiler.

2. Beanball war.  C'mon, don't these teams hate each other? Doesn't Tampa know what Terry Francona called them the other day? He said they were "cheap, mutherfucking, shitass, dooshbag, chickenshit dickweeds." That's what he said. I was there. He threw in the n-word too. C'mon, Rays. When a guys says that kinda stuff, you gotta throw at somebody's cranium.

3. Marathons. We're talking extra inning games, 15 frames apiece, with scores worthy of a Patriots-Jets shootout. Give the fans their money's worth.

4. Hurricane. Hamstring weather, people. (Yes, it's tough indoors, but holes in roofs have been known to occur, am I right, New Orleans?)

5. Eggs Benedict. Have another plate, Papi. Sunnyside up! Mmmm-mm. Think of that training scene from "Rocky," Josh. Down the hatch.

6. To the victor, the spoils. Lady Gaga to the winning team's clubhouse. Lindsay Lohan, come on down! What was that about Chlamydia v. Herpes? This weekend, they could both be our allies.