Monday, January 10, 2011

Yankeetorial: Why we must root against the Jets

For unknown reasons -- (most likely, though foot fetishes) -- decent, God-fearing Yankee fans occasionally feel obliged to root for Mets, Jets, Nets, Isles, Knicks, Rangers, Red Bulls (soccer), Liberty (women's BB) -- yes -- even the Coughlin Collapsers. They're suckers for any pro team that purports to represent the area of Greater New Sodom. Hell, if a nude mud wrestling league forms, they'll back the home town lassies, even in the face of substandard cleavage.

Well, we won't tell you who to root for. We would never tell you -- Mr. and Mrs. John Q. General Public -- to boo a New York team, even after blowing a 21-point lead in 8 minutes against your rival with the season on the line and a coach who is out of touch. Nope. It's not in our DNA to think that we know everything, and that you're just some sheepish, gullible Jet-tard.

That said, Yank fans who root for the Jets should be neutered. Snip-snip. Goobye. Their genes do not deserve to be passed. You sheepish, gullible Jet-tards serve as useful idiots for anti-Yankee-hate groups, and you play Ralph Naderlike into the scheming evil palms of our half-human enemies.

If the Jets win this year, America will celebrate another reason to hate New York. Its hatred already burns hotter than a billion suns. Arizonans see no distinction between the Yankees and Jets. They only see "NY," which signifies the horns of Satan. If the Jets win, they'll think New York always wins, and their MLB team will again try to the Yankees.

Since 2000, NYC has won three World Championships (two by us, one by the Coughlin Collapsers.)

The World Championship standings since 2000

LA: 7 (5 by Lakers, one by Angels, one by Mighty Ducks)
Boston: 5 (two Redsocks, three Patriots)
NY: 3
Pittsburgh 3: (two Steelers, 1 Penguins)

If the Jets win, teams will take it out on the Yankees. When Arizona wants to deal a Curt Schilling, they'll demand from us a young Alphonso Soriano and Nick Johnson, and then accept Casey Fossum and a bucket of fried chicken from Boston.

If the Jets win, our chances diminish for 2011.

Maybe that's why the Giants are keeping Tom Coughlin.
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5 comments:

  1. SwishaliciousJanuary 10, 2011 at 8:33 AM

    6 for boston, The Celtics won in 07-08

    ReplyDelete
  2. el duqueJanuary 10, 2011 at 8:35 AM

    Shit. It's worse than I thought.

    ReplyDelete
  3. David BallelaJanuary 10, 2011 at 10:50 AM

    can't we root for the Jets to at least beat the evil Bellicheat?
    Then they can go and lose to the Ravens.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Pedro MartinezJanuary 10, 2011 at 11:44 AM

    Boston has 6 titles since 2000. Don't forget about my man Ray Allen and the Celtics. Like i said when I was interviewed in the Ken Burns film, I would rather one championship in Boston than three anywhere else.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Joe De PastryJanuary 11, 2011 at 11:24 AM

    One good reason to root for the Jets: Two weeks of foot fetish jokes to fill the time between meaningful football games. Would Mrs. Ryan appear in public during Super Bowl week? Would she wear sandals or high heels?

    ReplyDelete

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