Trump demands to see Bartolo Colon's birth certificate

Following his triumph over the national political scene Wednesday, Donald Trump demanded to see the birth certificate of Yankee pitcher Bartolo Colon, whom he said cannot be 37.

"He's hiding somethng," the millionaire real estate heir said. "Whatever it is, it's time to come clean. The guy's built like Rosie O'Donnell. He's throwing 95? No way! Bartolo, you're fired!"

Colon's birth certificate - if it exists, would say May 24, 1973, Altamira, Puerto Plata, of the Dominican Republic. But last night, following his 8-inning victory over Chicago, Colon did not make the document readily available to reporters, and Trump is firing away.

"Where is Colon's paper?" Trump said. "I'm talking parchment, official seal, the yellowed stuff. What is he hiding, why is he hiding it, who is he hiding it from, where is he hiding it, when will we see it and how will we know? What were his grades in high school? Where was he on Sept. 11? What were his grades on Sept. 11? Is he the father of Trig Palin? Wait a minute, I'm sick of hearing about that kid. Trig, you're fired!

"Until we Colon flushes clean, until we know his true age, on behalf of America, Trump Enterprizes and the NBC television network, I say to Bartolo Colon: You're no Bret Michaels! You're no Cyndi Lauper! Maybe you can pitch to Adam Dunn and that Lillibridge boy, but you cannot handle the feminine wiles of Sharon Osborn, you could not outwit Rod Blagojevich! Until you cough up the documents, you're fired! All of you. Cashman? You're fired. Girardi? You're fired! America, you're fired. God? Where's your birth certificate? Close the door when you're done!"