Buck Showalter Hates Us: Five Ways We Can Return the Love

For starters, no surprise. Showalter should come clean and admit to being the guy who - during his time with the Arizona Diamondacks - played "New York, New York" on the public address system following the 2001 World Series, an act so mean-spirited that it was criticized by Peter Gammons.

No sir, we will never forget. The Diamondbacks are on our shitlist, (which is why Cashman delivering Ian Kennedy on a silver platter is particularly offensive.)

We can't go back in time and keep Buck from playing his victory music, but we can send him some flowers in Baltimore.

1. Refuse to take Vladirmir Guerrero off his hands. Whenever the Yankees get within 500 miles of Baltimore, the sportswriters start ginning up rumors that the Yankees would trade Jesus Montero for Vlad. Yeah, right. Sorry, O's. He's all yours. Enjoy.

2. Matt Wieters? Wanna be a Yankee? Not sure we need a catcher, but hey, I think this guy will be a player in two years -- and you know what? You can never have enough catching. If not Wieters, surely, Baltimore can come up with at least one young free agent worth us signing. They want a Boogeyman? Let's give them one.

3. The hell with their crabcakes. Nothing beats playing Baltimore in Baltimore with a crowd of New York fans. Let's not change that. But let's pack our lunches. Let's boycott their stadium food, because we don't fund the people who hate us. We, as Yankees and Americans, are tired of sending our money to people who express hatred for us.

4. Beat their asses like a kettle drum. This should go without saying. Sixteen and oh would be sweet.

5. When he's done, when he's fired, when he's an old, coughing lung of a memory, invite him back. Then, we forgive. We always do. Let the Redsock fans harbor hate. We forgive. After crushing.