The Grand Cinema-to-Reality Experiment Begins Today: Yanks tab Roy Hobbs to pitch against Rangers

Today, the Yankees turn to a 32-year-old converted former outfielder, who was last seen 12 years ago throwing in a Iowa pasture against the famous barnstorming slugger Whammer "Bye-Bye" Balboni, whom he struck out on three pitches, allowing him to get laid by singer Courtney Love, causing him to shoot himself in the head, and disappear into the countryside of Eastern Pennsylvania.

Yesterday, the Yankees signed Brian Gordon, who it is believed has revived his career by drinking hydrofracking water straight from the Lehigh Valley wellhead, causing his right arm to glow in the dark. As a result, he has been unhittable, a veritable Cy Young of the International League.

If this experiment works, the Yankees will also look to sign 12-year-olds who have had their arms turned into rockets by surgery and the first high school math teacher who has discovered a substance that causes balls to avoid wood.