10 signs Jesus is coming soon

1. His bat hath heated uppeth in Scranton.

2. St. Jorgie of Posada hath been revealed as false messiah.

3. Texas prayer-a-thon calleth for him to ascend, replacing weak-hitting prophet Francisco Cervelli.

4. Freedom of lightbulb candidate Michele Bachmann demandeth that he play every day.

5. Disciples hath describeth him as "bored" in Scranton.

6. Only four months until armgageddon, as forseen by Mayan calendar.

7. Satan hath merged all evil forces in Redsock antichrist super team.

8. Gospel of Buster Olney hath predictedeth Jesus' rise.

9. While outside mobs hath cried, "Give us Ubaldo!" chosen team hath shown faith in his catching ability.

10. Earth hath run out of money, needs to borrow from Arod, and turn to new, low-cost savior.