Thursday night: We de-teat that sissy-goggled, chicken-bodied Tigers' closer, Valverde, or Valvoline, whatever. The guy with the smartypants mouf. Let's shoot him in his smartypants mouf. Then he can talk trash. How many consecutive saves does he have? Let's feed him lead donuts and dunk him into the Hudson backwash. VENGEANCE.
First Round: We knock out the Kalines, in memory of '06. Yeah, we remember juiced-up Kenny Rogers doctoring the ball, and Magglio Dry Look, with his Weird Al hair. They embarrassed us. They coldcocked us. This time, they'll wake up to a bloody Tiger head with a cigarette dangling from its lips: Jim Leyland's lips. In '06, they had Grandy. Now, they can watch him. (And where's Marcus Thames?)
REVENGE!
Second Round: Torch the entire empty-cowboy hatted hate-state of Texas until it's a pile of dirty bone ashes. (Oops, too late; global warming beat us to it.) A good beating will make drydrunk George W. Bush weep like a Disney mouse singing "Somewhere Out There." Let's impregnate Bush's socialite twins with Mary Cheney's semen. Let's remind Nolan Ryan that he started with the Mets. Let's toss Josh Hamilton a baseball, just a foot too far from the overhang. Damm, I want these guys to suffer like I did. NO MERCY!
World Series: Let's lash the Diamondbacks to a tavern bucking bronco, so Bristol Palin can lecture them, like a meter maid in some porno version of COPS, on her upcoming reality TV show. Let's tie Randy Johnson to the foul pole and wait for the next mile-high sandstorm to devour Phoenix. What's left, a million man march of fire ants can finish. For 10 years, we've waited for a whack at these self-righteous, hate-filled snakes of the desert. In 2001, the rat bastards celebrated at home plate while the p.a. system played "New York, New York." We will never forget. The grist of the gods grinds infinitely fine. So do the Yankees. OCCUPY ARIZONA! WIPE CLEAN THE VENGEANCE SLATE. As John would say... LET'S KILL SOMETHING TOGETHAHHHHHH...
I love this plan!! In the back of my mind I've been thinking about this playing out just like this since we knew who was going to be in. And for the record, I'm still pissed off about them playing NY NY at the end of that 2001 world series. BULLSHIT!! Payback time!!
ReplyDeleteAnd if, somehow, the Cardinals get to the Series instead, remember 1964: the World Series loss that got Yogi replaced by Johnny Keane.
ReplyDeleteYankee fans never forget.