Open Letter to Occupy Wall Street: Here is how you win over the NYPD

Dear Madams and Sirs,

Frankly, I don't know what the hell you're doing, but it sure looks like fun, and if I were 22 and jobless, screwed with $100,000 in college debt, I wanna think I'd be down there, Woodstocking with you, fightin' The Man. So, for whatever it's worth, give the rich ratbastards hell, because they deserve it. No. Let's be honest. We deserve it. All of us made this bed. But the Wall Street ratbastards have skated too many times. Give 'em hell.

But... danger lurks. This never ends well. What happens is that the power structure - (played by George C. Scott) - calls out the NYPD (Joe Don Baker and Cate Blanchett, magically portraying a man). At first, they come in peace. Then rocks gets thrown and - kaboom - the opening of Hippie Shooting Season. It's human nature. Google "history of world conflicts." (Ask Jeeves, if he's still here.) It's the folly of humankind (played in the movie by Pee Wee Herman.)

But here's where it gets dicey. Somebody always gets his head cracked. Somebody always pays a big price, far more in their lives than global social change was worth. This doesn't mean you run away. But I don't want it to be you.

So listen: Here is your insurance against a skull-crushing police boot.

Yankee swag.

The NYPD loves the Yankees. Always has. It's part of the cop soul. It's part of NY pride. Yeah, there are Met-lovers, but not enough to matter. It's a Yankee frat, a Yankee-loving paramilitary force.

So be smart. Wear Yankee swag. A Yankee cap is your helmet. A Yankee jersey - think No. 42 - is your body armor. Imagine 20,000 people in full Yankee swag - and the most powerful secret sect on the planet would unite protestors and police against the mad corporate muthafuckers who bestow $20 million on the Carl Crawfords of the world.

We can win this revolution. We are the 69 percent - the Yankee fan! Wear your colors! Change the world! (And support next year's lineup!)