The fact is, you powdered-fanny, pepper-mouthed critics have no clue whatsoever of would have happened if we had signed John Lackey, as I advocated. None of you is God. None of you is even Springsteen. (Yankee fan, btw) So, yeah, I was a Lackey lackey. I liked Lackey. But the Yankiverse wasn't lacking in Lackey lackies, liking to lock-up Lackey. And I still say Lackey in 2010 would have been our third starter, which meant instead of AJ Burnett’s Betty White impersonation against Texas, we would have pitched Lackey, who might have risen to the occasion, as he did whenever he faces us. Couldn’t do worse. Might have won it. No. I take that back.
We WOULD have won it.
OK, so what about 2011, you say? Fuck 2011. Put a 2010 World Series ring into Lackey's life, and maybe Lackey and his cancer-stricken Lackey Lucky Lady wife don't drift apart. Manhattan is a magical place for lovers, and fall is a time when romance is on the prowl, like a rapist mugger who cuts his victims into pieces. Remember that chick flick where Winona Ryder hooks up with Richard Gere? (Yankee fan, btw). Maybe Lackey would have found marital bliss in NYC, and he would have rushed to her side, pitched his guts out, become a human embodiment of a Lupica column, plucking our heartstrings... if he only had signed with us, instead of those drunken slobss in Boston. Can any of you put your hand on The Bible and catagorically say otherwise?
Yeah. I didn’t think so.
Finally, if a happily married Lackey had been removed from the poisonous snake-filled drunken clubhouse of Josh Beckett and Wee Man Pedroia, (straight from MTV’s Jackass), who knows? I say we WOULD have won the 2011 World Series. Prove me wrong.
Listen: I screwed up on advocating for Kevin Millwood. Don’t know what I was thinking. Bartolo’s success blew my gaskets. The Mill Man will always be on my police blotter. Guilty, as charged.
Haven't you figured it out by now, Duque?
ReplyDeleteWe DID sign John Lackey.
AND Carl Crawford.
Cabman's best deals. And we didn't have to pay a penny in luxury tax, because they were, as they say, under the table.
You didn't think we were paying $39.50 for a quasi-meat hot dog just to pay off Soriano's deal, did you?
Bern, the truth has hit me like a battery out of the left field bleachers. That explains everything. What a genius.
ReplyDeleteI shall never besmirch the name of Cashman again.
Dear Duque,
ReplyDeleteI wanted to apologize for making light of your decision to advocate the Yankees to sign John Lackey. Pray, accept my apology from your biggest fan.
Pray, pray for the children in Haiti. And Japan.
Can you advocate Brian Cash-man to sign the Prince? This way we can trade Jesus, Savior of Scranton, for a nice lefty. Maybe Clayton? Then sign C.J. Wilson and Garcia and, bang! Rotation problems are solved.
Love,
Tanyon Sturtz
P.S. Can you make a joke about Ted Williams? I miss those.
P.P.S. Put flowers on Algernon's grave for me.