Pepper Spray has career week in news, but history would suggest its third appearance should be in pinstripes

Last week, Pepper Spray - the seldom feted, vegetable-based people-parter - enjoyed the equivalent of Mark Whitten's 4-home run game in 1993.

After years of being overlooked, it grabbed headlines of two major news events: the UC-Davis hippie-whacking, Pepper-Spraying Paul Blart, and the maniac Walmart Pepper-Spraying shopper witch.

Pepper Spray could go 10 years without mention in a major news story -- that's what happened to Whitten -- unless it takes a page from Whitten's book and... joins the New York Yankees!

OK, think with me now, because this gets complicated: Everybody knows bad news happens in threes. So Pepper Spray needs closure. It needs a third appearance. And that's how Whitten finally made his final peppery headlines, as a member of the Yankees 1997 also-rans.

So... how can Pepper Spray nail its third big news story? As a Yankee, of course.

OK, still with me, right? (I knew I could count on you. I mean, seriously, here we are, comparing Pepper Spray to Mark Whitten, and thank God nobody but sicko Yankee fans read this blog, otherwise, we'd all be put away.) So, here are the Yankee news stories that Pepper Spray needs to pursue.

1. Joba Chamberlain accidentally pepper sprayed during gnat attack.

2. Yankee Ground crew pepper sprays infield to ward off bad hops.

3. Jeter dives to avoid police pepper spray. (Off camera)

4. Anonymous pepper-sprayed fan disrobes in order to breathe.

Somebody stop this. Now. OK, that's it. Done.

How could you let me go this far? Have you no shame?