Oh no, now we can't trade our entire farm system for John Danks!

A crippling bolt of news last night sure took the tinsel out of my holiday: Those money-pissing Betty White Sox - the Optimists Club of MLB - hocked all their gold fillings and signed superstar John Danks to a long-term contract, rather than peddle the ticking time bomb to us.

What a shame. All they wanted from us was Jesus Montero - near Jesus' birthday, no less - and a few young pitchers. Oh snap. Now, we can't make a horrible deal, unless the heavens part and God (or Oakland) allows us a chance to obtain the great and all-powerful Gio Gonzalez!

Wow. I know humankind has evolved,  but really - did any of us ever imagine a chance to spake those words: Gio Gonzalez in a Yankee uniform. Why, it's a wonder the Internet doesn't crash, just thinking about it!

Listen: We've had Jesus since 16, when he was healing pitchers in Venezuela. To trade him now would be like reading a 400-page Agatha Christie novel until page 397, then throwing it away without learning who done it. We've raised the pup. We kept him through Cliff Lee and all those King Felix rumors. Did we really want to trade him for John Danks? Or Gio Gonzalez, (which is Latino for Jeff Weaver.)

Three shopping days until Christmas. Roy Oswalt, anybody? I don't care. BUT WE MUST NOT BETRAY JESUS ON HIS BIRTHDAY.