2. John Sterling will unveil a new home run call for Jesus Montero, scrapping his unpopular "Jesus is loose" for an obscure 1950s Broadway show tune reference. Unfortunately, it is impossible to predict this line, because only Sterling will remember the show and recognize the connection.
3. Arod will continue in his heroic quest to bed all of post-WWII Hollywood - aiming for Drew Barrymore - to close the file forever on the horrible "Fever Pitch" movie, which celebrated the 2004 Redsocks' miracle season. Barrymore will elude him - his barking knee and hip will cost him at least 30 tallies - he will score Katy Perry, an event that will be signified by his dayglow blue hair.
4. Attempting to recreate the austerity Colon-Garcia purchases of 2011, Brian Cashman in early February will sign pitchers Tom Glavine and Pedro Martinez to incentive-based contracts. Each will throw 200 innings and anchor the rotation. Unfortunately, Pedro will be banned from MLB after it is revealed that, via illegal surgery, he had an 18-year-old's arm grafted onto his frame.
5. Curtis Granderson will cure cancer. He will render it unto the world for free, saving millions of lives. Unfortunately, his batting average will dip to .240, and he will be booed.
6. Nick Swisher will become a regular on the MTV hit reality show "Jersey Shore," where he will be known as "Zip Code," because he seems to inhabit his own private one. He will develop a hilarious catchphrase: "That's why I don't wear Chap-Stik!"
7. After recording his first save of 2012, Mariano Rivera will reveal that surgery on his vocal chords has given him the voice of Marge Simpson.
8. The Redsocks, thanks to a disciplinary crackdown by Bobby Valentine, will win 130 games and sweep the post-season en route to the World Championship. But it will all prove to be a dream. Only a dream.
Katie Perry would kick old man A-Fraud out of her steaming hot bed. He should try Christina Aguilera instead.
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